I Fumble, She Dances

Night after night and in every morning there is a waking from a sleepless night. Plan to stop this nonsense. It’s a  fool proof one, only if  I the one who should follow through. It comes highly acclaimed and written in stone;so proven by history to be steadfast in principles. Wouldn’t you follow these instructions? Knowing they that have been recorded in order to prove they work.

I have chosen to fumble in my choices for directions and have seen people go along with the smooth tongue motivators with no personal track record of success other than the amounts of cash collected from their prey yet many in including I have done this.. In so bared financial hardship from expensive misjudgments.

What about the personal costs? The damage done in portraying bad decision making skills that send your own flesh and blood  – what is your most valuable treasures onto hardships. These mistakes are more than hardships it plants wrong ideas on how to handle life for your children. But I want a quick fix no time for patience and practise and instead have straddled my family by fledgling notions that it up to you to resolve your problems and that you are the one in control.

Its about you, everything is about you so I go to bed with mental fights over how am I going to resolve my financial burdens, worrying about things that even at that time of the night if could be repairs it won’t be and normally its ones that I can’t repair. I worry about how to acquire a position that is of high desire for my heart, a lifestyle that sounds mighty to me. In my heart know full well it is out of my comfort zone and way out of my financial reach as well. I spend sleepless nights worried about a son who broke his foot and he is in another state and way too far to feel my concerns, yet I do it. Does he feel better for it? How could he I wouldn’t saddle him with that kind of guilt.

Just look at my paragraph above, what do you see? Six “I’s” and I’m not done because I am fumbling over scriptures that I cannot get my hands solidly placed on to. Maybe some super glue will work, the same glue that is used in keeping my hands welded to problems when I should be letting go of. Just drop it like a hot potato – in life I wouldn’t hang on to a scorching potato or anything that is hot so it could burn me in the process. This is slowing tme down and not  enacting instructions to allow God to work through me by keeping Him first instead of me.

I’m fumbling completely through the ten simple commandments giving by our Lord Almighty and he didn’t even ask for that much from me!

His first command is that “Thou shalt have no other gods before me” not only fumbling this command, believed a long time there were no other gods before me. How many think he was speaking of actual gods? Kinda had Zeus in mind when I read that as a child ( was a secret Clash of the Titans fans back then) and sure coming into my adulthood knew gold was confined to be in the realm of gods. Yes I wanted riches of life but it wasn’t at the forefront and the proof is I would’ve been more financially stable if I had applied as much effort as I have done for the one god that I did solely bowed down to and shamefully still do with reluctance – fear.  I didn’t understanding that I placed fear in the position of gods, not until I heard a fairly new release by Alice in Chains, (See rock can be good for you!)

He then said “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath or that is in the water under the earth; Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them; for I the LORD they God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me. And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me and keep my commandments.” Not only did I fumble on this one, dropped it completely! First part “Thou shalt not have graven images” – raised Catholic and personally really don’t remember what was there in my teaching it wasn’t this.

And I can’t even count how many times I could recite who what and where about actors, movies, rock bands, read their covers back to front until I memorized every scrap. It was popular to know such information, made me look good towards my peers when there was a small cry saying this wasn’t right but I did know not to bow down before false gods and here I did by bowing down to what the popular mainstream approves of not even trying to grip the ball.

Third commandment “Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD they God in vain, for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain” fumbled it then tossed it around and had fun in doing so, to the point in scuddles out of my mouth before it hits my thought. Did the LORD ask for too much here? I surely wouldn’t approve of someone else using my name as a cuss word so why would His be okay?

Now for His fourth command and will keep it brief for it is so simple “Remember the Sabbath day” what great advise! Keep one day not only for worship –  worship helps to relax from the six days of labor. He gives instruction to take care of our lives so that we may live happily and it rarely entered my life, willing to do what ever to keep food on the table. What did I receive for it in return?

An inability to relax in order to think clearly, so not only am I trying to learn through life’s obstacles but with a mind damaged that came from me and you know what else? It rarely kept food on my table at that so I fell head over heels and I was no where near to lock my hands on it and it is another poor concept by the main stream.

One time wanted so badly to go to New York now this was more than twenty years and closer to thirty of this trip and you know what? I was going for Thanksgiving to see the holiday displays and they were not up, and Sunday most if not all shops were closed. Being in California where they begin setting out Christmas décor in August this was shocking. New York the place one thinks of for center of all financial institutions not open on Sundays only the two big stores Macy’s and Bloomingdales the rest shut down and I would not be surprised that is part of their money issues that they did away with the Sabbath.

All of these have to do with Him and I have dropped, ignored, missed and completely disobeyed and if I were to continue with the rest that lays out our treatment of one another you would reading this blog until the end of your days and then some because I have given my parents grief even when I wasn’t doing it on purpose, preferring what society approves of, while I haven’t ever killed anyone have had thoughts of vengeances, and oh my word adultery who hasn’t looked at George Clooney and didn’t succumb to lustful dreams come nightfall? Single so it’s happened more that it should and something tells me I may not even like the guy, a sneaking side of me tells me I would just tell him to shut up so we could finish the sinful deed. So thank God I am not his type! And yes all too often I wanted to bear false witness so that I may covet someone else’s house, cars, their very lives and lively hood. Now I can’t recall ever actually bearing false witness at the same time wouldn’t be surprise if some else can recite the time and date of me doing so.

So as I fumble in learning stressing over not catching on instead of just enjoying the process of learning my granddaughter dances as I should be doing before the Lord.

Lost Lamb

Ten Commandments – KJV Bible

photo: Dancers is a black and white collection of photographs by Iris …


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