Oh Dear Lord Not Another Test

“In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

Proverbs 3:6


Humbleness came onto a barren plate, empty pockets,  hands tied down to the sides,  tongue swollen and stuck  to the roof of my mouth unable to utter with sense and my eyes are seeing what I cannot do with as much talent as those who do have it.

My world abounds with a toddler who can say “No” with assurance of the full meaning yet cannot take no for an answer and cannot keep tiny hands off things that are beyond her reach and has a thing for the light switches. The daily routine is repeated.

Tests are for me a place to fail where even my name is lost and that would be okay  if there were an easy way to begin again with a new name. Mine is dull an overused name from the 40″s to the 50″s leaving me to feel even less special, but what if I were to become a Charlotte or what about Sophia?

Why should I feel special? Why would I expect to be anything more than I am?

For most of my growing years was the product of divorce and remarriage, a new set of children moved in and though there was a point in making things not seem lopsided and strained. You can’t deny when you see a father with his own children the time and patience they give to them and this uninvited guest has followed through the passages of time, as the salmon swim up-stream against the currents where only the strongest make it to the prize.

I loathe tests and they say they make you stronger.

I’m concerned by all the talk of the end of times when it seems my life has been stifled. At every move to go beyond the lot that has been pushed into my way there is always more debris and nonsense that comes along. My troubles are three times more than what I been shoveling to get rid of, in this process lost my dreams.

My problem with the discussion of the end of times is that since we do not know when and it seems that the Lord’s seven days are not the same as our seven days, most likely we will meet our own end before the world comes to a close as we know it. So it is best to be prepared to meet Jesus at any given time with or without the rapture.

It’s clear that I am no problem solver, not a bread winner or a person fit for marriage, or a writer just a person like so many trying to put food on the table and do what it takes to get through.

So what can I do?

Nothing but keep my eye on Jesus and the two year old with hands that seeks the danger that is lurking at every corner.

I thank God for her childish laughter. I thank God for what food does make it to our plates, I thank God for the dogs that love me unconditionally and that my grown sons are all healthy and safe and I have thanked God for the 165 eyes that have stopped by my blog.

The Lord has provided a world that has so much of Him in it, from the sky above to depths of the sea you can see his love as he made them. Ugliness did not come from Him yet I have embraced it.

His voice can be heard in the strings of a cello being played, His dancing can felt in the beating drums and His word instructs.

But I still hate the tests.

Lost Lamb

Bible verse from ESV


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s