To tell the truth….or not?

 Proverbs 12:22

Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight.


My heart tells me yes, the logical needy person said Not! as loud as it could…

Should there be truth coming from writers of blogs or not?

In fictional storytelling truth may really not be all that interesting without fabrications, then they do say truth can be stranger than fiction. I’ve got one of those friends that can tell you some pretty wild experiences of her day and all she’s doing is going to the store.

Then there is my case – where my blog is a person (me) learning to walk towards the Lord…What can I say?

A strong feeling is that  would be doing a disservice if I were not truthful.

But to who would it hurt, to say things about being in a place when in honestly haven’t arrived there yet?

First me, then there could be another new comer to the faith. There has got to be other believers who are not able to shed their former lives as quickly as they feel it should be. When I walk into a church service face it majority of them there have been in those seats a lot longer than a newbie.

And then there’s the part of writing untruths about yourself , it just feels it’s a deception, who would I be kidding? Already have done it on days when I don’t feel it and would rather walk away I typed passages from the Bible..Some was in hopes by the end would have felt differently or at the very least learn a passage or two.

Certainly not the Lord and he knew what I was doing when it was placed on the internet and I really would like to pass on standing before the Lord explaining my lies about my faith (got enough on my other sins, gish) Maybe I could gain more readers if I were only to write what true believers feel is biblical and appropriate. It would be so nice to have approval, that’s the needy side the one that wants to be a follower. Never been good at it, it’s like I am destined to be going against the grain my whole life.

Would it help more people if I did say only the nice things about coming to this Christian life ? Very possibly.

There are a lot of great resources out there and I continue to look for them but its kind of the same issues of the single person faces, they discuss married life, dealing with your spouses and so forth.  I have no spouse and really do not care to be reminded and to be very frank don’t want to hear how God has some people called to singlehood. There were or should say are two reasons that sat sometimes in front of heavy metal then other times singleness was behind on why I had no intentions of stepping foot on this path.

And I don’t like fakes…

Jesus isn’t fake he’s the real thing but I wonder about some of the stuff…Is it really coming from him?
So I came kicking screaming and a whole lot of wailing, I howled like a wolf on a full moon.

No I’m not proud of this I came hoping my slate of discouragement would be washed away, a new beginning in order to have a healthy relationship with Jesus Christ.

Shedding what is me in order to gain what I have no idea is being gained, I’ve lost my dreams and not ready to begin or retrieve old dreams to be disappointed. I’ve seen plenty of people achieve  their dreams – they had support of believers whether it was a spouse, parent who guided and some even supported and they actually became quite wealthy returning the favor back to the supporter.

Lost my source of income that was already pitiful, what was substantial left with the recession, have very little to offer so my intentions of the blog was never instruction, couldn’t explain myself a way out of a paper bag. In part to set discipline and part a way of expressing and the rest had no idea.

On actions that are tough to scrub off a  little while after sending my monkey blog into the galaxy of readers Alice n Chains came in through my headphones blocking out my tangible world. Stressing maybe I could have gone with a more or less language. The song was “Angry Chair” outside Alice n Chains being in my top five bands (list goes Tool, Perfect Circle, yeah Maynard fan, Alice n Chains, SlipKnot, Metallica) anyways Alice n Chains on list for a very long time. Lyrics to Angry Chair portrayed how I felt. So does Nutshell and Heaven Beside Me, but those two didn’t come in during my uneasy gut of what in the world is wrong with me mood.
Angry at feeling that I need to give up what I have counted on and do this right away. And here comes another song that speaks of my heart Silvertides”Nothing Stays” when everything seems to go away…nothing happens when I pray… On the surface these lyrics can appear a bit depressing but I don’t I feel connected like a great blues beat, sure they’re sad lost love songs but man the beat and rhythm brings me back.

Back to my anger at giving up sure I know Abram gave up close to everything on God’s command and in returned he received many blessings. Abram had been walking with the Lord for 70 good years. Its been less than 2 months for me and I am very alone in doing so. There is not herds of animals family members joining me. It me with a checking account taking a toll with insufficient funds owed on it. A car that I would rather not explain how it came into being that I now owe many dollars on because I won’t pay the other way anymore.

My frustration, self doubts bring back that maybe I should be  finding another to take over this blog and begin again. What do you think of  Baa -baa? (Just pretend that its a sheeps baa-baa sound)

In my heart I know that Jesus Christ is the Lord and my Savor and in time Jesus will help fix all these issues but I have to be truthful, yes there are days where it would be so much easier now to walk away. I don’t care about some of the issues the church is fighting against. Someone’s gay, don’t care it’s between them and Jesus, my sins are not less or no worst that theirs and I am not going to point out their issues, anymore than I want someone pointing out mine.

I have questions on abortion but I want freedom of choice just for that reason alone “choice” because if we keep having government making rules to protect ourselves soon it will back fire and we will have no freedoms. The Lord very clearly gave us free will. Yes abortion brings heartache to those who choose this route for fixing a problem but we’ve seen the history of deaths to women who sought extreme measures.

These are my truths, and I am sure I will lose some readers over it, but as I said hate fakes. Lies said in order to sound good are worst then not being said.

Some things are best left unsaid it they are not true, they do more harm otherwise.

I do want a relationship with Jesus, will give up things like work a bit harder on my language especially when it comes to using his name as a cuss word, I will read what I can and talk with him and will discuss my confusion frustrations that are about this world, my excitement about music (have  idea about a Tool song to discuss that lingers at the back of my mind), and yes raising a toddler  when I thought I was done being a parent. Which is another issue I have with the Lord. See by nature I am not a parent, this is not an easy deal never was and yet there are so many people where this does come to them and they actually want it that are barren. Just doesn’t make any sense to me. (P.S. I love the little peaches Riley, having some money and no hot flashing makes it a tiny bit les painful)

My idea for my life was being in the music business as a sound engineer and work my way into producing too late to try that now, they don’t want 54 years old women in the studio banging out rock music.

So I will shovel, trudge, kick my way through this path, hacking at debris with my sickle in  hand but one day I will be the one that is firmly planted either that I will have one h**l for arm muscles.

To be honest what do you think? Should I be honest in my struggles with this path or say it like it is going to be when I get there before I am there?

Your lost lamb  



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