Sitting down to write that blog in the first few paragraphs I heard a clock ticking like in the game the show To Tell The Truth, pressure building as the last grain of sand spilled. I spoke…
Then went to bed wrestling the night as if I were Jacob in Genesis Chapter 32: 24″ And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day” Jacob goes on to say after his hip was pulled out by the joint from being touched by the man, 32:26 ” I will not let you go unless you bless me”
As far as I know my match was with myself, can’t even blame it on the devil. My qualm on needing to speak my truth on where I sit in my knowledge of the Lord, my troubles in trusting and not …oh never mind been down this road too many times and it doesn’t matter in the end. My sleepless bouts was more out of losing any chance at acceptance, as much from people as for God.
Time went by and felt that I was quiet, my chest was settled with very little simmering of worries about how I should behave. For as long as I stayed away from what is expected I was fine, with my learning curve taking its time. When I did venture into the deadwood territory before I had gotten too tired, applied what I had learned from a learning to fly book, of one going along with what is set before you and that our creator wants our emotions and reactions so that in the end we are able to accept what He has given us.
I also recalled his what we resist persists and I really want very little to do with tests that even he said would continue to fly into my lap. O how those tests grate on me and my nerves. To me they just prove that I am not cutting the mustard for the job of being a follower for Christ.
Just like today, finally found my deep sleep zone and that neighbor the one that is certified crazy banged on my door before 7am, screaming. For more than four days been making arrangement to get her to the doctors to get some bag repaired and each day she either doesn’t show, or got there after she swallowed a bunch of pills and was passed out. So I did not answer the door, figured it was one way for her to learn boundaries. Let’s face it a crazy person doesn’t know boundaries or can’t learn them but I was drained so exhausted that I could not get my feet out of bed to answer. For more honesty can’t handle her and wasn’t willing to do it either.
My wrestling match went into new rounds, me being squelched on the mat, losing. Who was I wrestling, guilt.
Guilt for speaking my opinions and afraid to help that woman, and she does scare me.
During these moments do wish I were still the Catholic, confess say a few Hail Mary’s and move on, simple straight to the point. I apologized quite a few times to Jesus for my weaknesses and the only way to make that awful feeling go away was to keep my mind on anything that did not involved the Lord.
I want to move on from this pattern, maybe picking up a rosary and saying my prayers for forgiveness when help to move me along, to feel forgiven. It doesn’t have to be Hail Mary’s but an act that did make me feel that I was actually worshipping and felt Jesus in my presence. In a Catholic church His cross is as big as the whole front of the building (my was) how could I not feel ashamed and understand what he went through when it was placed in front larger than life?
Making the decision of letting go of what I do as being bad, does continue to be the right choice, even when I am concerned about what “others “think. Going to turn down the listening part, especially to pastors who are going into details of our actions and how we should react to scripture. Good idea?
For me yes, these instructions have value and should be taught, I am not there yet.
Reaching 54 years of age believed would have a whole lot less worries, more relaxed and confident. That was true when I was in my twenties, thirties were okay better than now, forties my sons were in their teens it was a living hell, but not like it is now.
So as you can see tests make me sick. I would really like to find out what it is like to live on easy street for a while, never been there. That is a test that I would like to show up at my door! Have someone drop of a car that I don’t have to pay for through sex, sure give me a job that does pay for it, would be awesome, one that will pay my rent, buy the food for the table, utilities paid all in the same month and maybe have enough left over for a night at the movies, lunch with girlfriends, enough gas to visit my mother who I haven’t seen since 2008 due to no money.
Like the idea of easy street, actually love it! Going to start speaking it out every day and think of it until I can picture it in my mind. And if you could live on easy street where would it be? Is there a place that calls out your name or maybe its a career that you couldn’t get because life stepped into your way, what would it have been, if you didn’t get tripped up?
Mine as you might know already was recording engineer, one that would get me to producing acts. Best part of that kind of work, is yes they have long, long hours and can run for months but when your off your off. Being creative that line of work you are never really off, your mind keeps coming up with new ideas, sounds but the thing is you do not have to be in a building, you can take off for France, Italy or Japan it doesn’t matter just the more you experience life the better you are at it. Creativity needs to be refueled. It’s a gas guzzler just like those huge SUV’s but what a life! As long as you stay out of the danger zone of the drugs. That my friend I can and have done.
Jesus Christ is a part of that vision for a life, I need someone to accept me as I am and I have to believe he does, at least keep knocking on his door . Maybe one day Jesus and I can lounge in a French bistro and have lunch with a glass of wine and some of that rich food….
1 Samuel 2
Hannah Fulfill Her Promise to God
This was Hannah’s prayer:
How I rejoice in th eLord!
How he has blessed me!
Now I have an answer for my enemies;
For the Lord has solved my problems.
How I rejoice!
Bible verse: The Book Tyndale House Publishing
Sand clock pic: picfind3.bloguez.com
Green bistro pic: http://www.unogourmet.com
White picture: honeyandfitz.blogspot.com