Don’t know but it’s in the plans and have been reading and thinking. Thinking on my part is dangerous. Reading can be good unless it hits a sore spot then I am back in the zone of danger. I really truly want to be different from what I am, do things that I dream about instead of reacting through my worn out means.
Back in the day when I rode ten speeds and the gears would sometimes grind in changing. When this occurred usually it would progress from bad to worst because of my frustrations in not getting it to move as it should. I say as it should, because in my book they’re not supposed to jam.
My bike riding back in the day were intended to be stress free, my stress level was real low then. Well it wasn’t that low I just didn’t question stuff when they came along. As a child learns to walk they fall and get right back up, most whimpering happens because of gasps that expel from my mouth and then the rushing to pick them up, is what gets their tears and wailing going. Did it the other day for Riley, she took quite a tumble tripping over her toy and it wasn’t until my reaction did she ball up and cry.
Not to sound callous but here she is in my arms crying I am worried something is really wrong and she didn’t even have a bruise to show for it all. My reaction wasn’t called for but it got her going and she whined for a better part of ten minutes. Maybe she just liked be snuggled in my arms and it worked I held on tight with millions of kisses applied to the boo-boo. Maybe that’s why there wasn’t a bruise, those kisses might after all work.
In trying to rethink in order to think less, went to listen in on a paster on You Tube, still in bed cup of hot tea on the nightstand and Riley buried under her purple blanket playing with my dogs I found one that sounded great on God’s grace. Been banking on his grace so why not try to understand what I am doing. I know we all count on His grace but like my unsounded aah don’t want to say out of her mind but yes, neighbor bagging on my window at 4 am, when do you take more than you should? Don’t know that answer, hoping as long as my heart longs for Him.
Kind of like this passage that makes me fearful.
Psalm 75:8 ” For in the hand of the LORD there is a cup, and the wine is red; it is fully
mixed; and he pours out of the same: but the dregs thereof, all the wicked of
the earth shall drain them down, and drink them.”
With days like the last few I have certainly been counting on that line of grace undeserving. Sure I can and should be better but I haven’t quite overcome the physical woes or the issues for the rest of my life. Got a child whose mother wants her back but she has no home and hasn’t stopped the barfly nonsense. I did offer her mine but required that she either go to school or do something other than the partying, guess couch surfing is so much more fun.
As much as I do not harbor parental skill really don’t want Riley endangered by her idea of harmless fun. Think her attempt in taking Riley back is to regain welfare support. This is all going into the Lord’s hands though I tremble on what His idea of what is best for Riley but I have to and must give Him all of my trust.
Personally it wouldn’t be that difficult to keep caring for Riley if this menopause could be slowed down a bit and of course the money to sustain her adequately. Just to be able to keep some clothes on her back, get her enrolled one day a week in day care so that I can have time to write, of course phsycially go out seeking work, kinda feel my resume is going out into the ozone instead to a person on the other end and of course Riley could play. She really enjoys the nursery when we go to church.
Oh well it’s in the Lord’s hands now. It always is isn’t it?
So today as I cuddle Riley will place in mind that one day I will be as relaxed as when on the rare occasions I sat with friends with a glass of wine (catch that 1 not 2 ) and cubes of cheese talking a million miles an hour. That relaxed!
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you. He will never let the righteous fall.
pic: By moldybean6
Psalm 75:8 http://bible.cc/psalms/75-8.htm