That is exactly what I did today, cut my hair! A bug in my ear is telling me that there’s a name for this type of self abuse. Since I normally take out my life’s frustrations by doing it myself just couldn’t talk my neuroious into inflicting Riley’s hair. Humm…maybe I should look it up but don’t care enough to do the search. So back to my story as I was attempting to brush my grand baby’s curls, the tangles had her crying and me feeling as a dentist in the Marathon Man. It was way more tangles than should be, it was time to take care of her hair. Not that there’s money for it but sometimes things must be done, so the electric bill will be short-changed on the balance. Inside the Great Clips I said “that will be two today” when I really needed to say one. However my hair was bad and when I say bad think of our recent late Phyllis Diller’s do.
Why when everything looks grim I go straight for the hair for change? Could be you can get that instant satisfaction in the change. The 15 mile drive this time was the longest I waited as before where it took a change to happen in the amount of time it takes to dig a pair of scissors out. So I am sure you’re wondering why would it that today of all days I would seek revenge via through the hair.
Well it could be the news headlines of the last few days, brewing me into a stir. Well I should be bald if that were the case but you have to admit it’s been more than par lately. We all knew 9/11 would trigger some things but outside me being selfish worried about being left behind didn’t really think much more than on that note. As much as I hated remembering that intense fear honestly do not want another or so many others to know what I am talking about.
No one likes to be left behind from an invitation to a party and when you know for a fact others are going to, it can really hurt. Neither does anyone like to miss out on a deal within minutes of being too late. Like today after splurging for hair cuts went over to Sonics and got my cherry coke and Riley her cherry slushy not thinking that if I waited just ten minutes would have saved by 50%. While it stinks like that, can you imagine missing out with Christ. Guess you can miss out on the rapture but what if you still even through all the hardship of the aftermath and still miss out? Wow I do not want to know the full meaning of that.
These are the things that roll around my head and of course as too many know I can get into a pickle over these failures. It is so easy especially when everyone is so quick to tell you what you should be doing to become a better Christmas. Becoming a better person to represent Christ seems to take so much.
Christ Jesus is perfect and look at this lamb,I can’t even show you my pic because it’s that hard to look at ,then I can barely carry a small load and others are way more burden than this one. But it just seems you have to do this or do that and be this, live this, not do that. It goes on and on and it’s the same whether you’re a Christian or not. Right next to the bad news headlines are more headings of eating this, don’t eat that anymore the new studies say… how to land that job, don’t do this at interviews or put this on your resume, do this for your children, it goes on and on and for the sake of not rattling this cage anymore forget about the weight. This is where my mouth instinctively spews all those un-Christian adjectives which only need four letters to make a high impact and releases so effectively the pressure from my boiling pot.
Sometimes I run to listen on You Tube pasters for more relief and understanding, reading the scriptures hasn’t brought much insight as to what people are talking about. If anything I am left more puzzled and then that leads me to frustrations and feeling left out, so I listen to speakers like Max Lucado, Joyce Meyers and Chuck Swindol, heard a few others. For awhile it was Greg Laurie but even he was spending a lot of time on what to do, not to do that I just had to stop.
Just to make it clear I do know I have to change and have to give up things and it will be but like my music the heavy metal has gradually been less and less as the days go by. My addiction to it has been do in a natural process as oppose to me trying to go cold turkey, going to do the same things with food. Instead of demanding a diet just going to pray over it and let it work out. Self control is needed but where I need to apply my self control is in prayer more than anything.
Back to the preachers speaking on the internet in the You Tube listings there is always another video proclaiming how these people are fakes. The titles seem to be stamped right on front what it’s about but this time it was a trick and he went on and on about how Chuck Swindol’s teachings are not only false they can lead me where I do not want – left behind. Talk about hearing me being pissed at this. Remember the last few days my hormones were reeking havoc (thankfully I am good today, maybe it was the hair cut) Yes those four letter words flew out of my mouth; then in the midst of my near explosion that I was fighting to contain because Riley was nearby watching her How to Train a Dragon. So it was all said inside my head but I stopped and thought if my heart were in the right place and I am not worshipping these people who are speaking.
My needs are that I want to hear another adult voice speaking on God, it is no different that going to a bible study or hanging out with a group. It is a need as much a want to be in the company of those who love the Lord and I need an example on what to follow. Remember I am alone in this, there isn’t even enough money to drive the 15 miles to get connected at a church ministry program like the bible study not to make light of the fact that car I am driving has four bad tires. Taking Riley today wasn’t really wise in that but the brush would not going through her hair anymore and when the lady brought up her hair to cut it has split ends. A two year old with split ends, eek gads!
In this mess called life I believe Christ looks at the heart of the person who believes in him. Whether I am right or wrong haven’t a clue but have heard that some on their death beds found Jesus, they didn’t do anything more than believed and were saved. I want my heart to be as innocent as Riley’s and believe as a child and love as a child for no other reason than that is what you do. My hopes in forgetting all the do’s, need to not do list will in time as I am healing be done because that is what comes naturally.
Sometimes life and faith can be so hopeless as if there isn’t anything that I can fix or get better like my custody mess with caring for Riley. All I want is for my menopause to go away and for her to have a stable life. I know that I cannot fix any of it from the homeless to the hungry and Riley and only God can do it and my job is praying for now. And while todays and past weeks news has shown the wrong side of faith and belief , just as much as those videos proclaiming those speakers are wrong and how would I know if any of its correct? I can only judge my own heart and it’s true it hasn’t been pure, not even in my intentions on why I don’t want to be left behind anymore than why I can’t find a suitable partner in life or make my hair thicker.
I can’t do anything about the news or what others do to each other and I don’t think pointing fingers helps anyone. While I know that so many do not care for the Clinton’s and though I know their failures and on that subject love to hear of people failures because it makes me fit right in and when someone does do the right thing that also makes it all seem possible that one day I will have a brilliant moment like Hillary Clinton as she said so well in her speech.
“When Christians are subject to insults to their faith, and that certainly happens, we expect them not to resort to violence. When Hindus or Buddhists are subjected to insults to their faiths, and that also certainly happens, we expect them not to resort to violence,” said Clinton. “The same goes for all faiths, including Islam.”
This lamb isn’t comfortable in calling out others for not being right in faith, and I will admit that some of the other religions has held some interests, especially in the Indian religions. Look at the festival of colors I cannot imagine the Lord not being pleased in his people showing joy in his work like that. Since I have my weakness this lamb would rather pray that the Lord show people the light. Being a part of a ministry where I could be deceived or to deceive others frightens me above all things except for being discouraged from this path.
With my new hair cut that I dyed the other day which by the way was drap choice. It was so boring that I had to take my highlight kit out and streak it. The hairstylist said that she sees a blue stripe in my hair. Had no clue what she was talking about and she asked if I had been in a pool. Oh sure didn’t want to say because I colored it myself but I walked out feeling perky and loved the idea that my drap shade has a big blue stripe towards the back, now should I add more blue streaks? Humm….
One thing you can say about searching for faith is that it’s never boring….
Workers In The Vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16)
1 For the kingdom of heaven of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire workers for his vineyard. 2 And after agreeing with the workers for the standard wage, he sent them into his vineyard. 3 When it was about nine o’clock in the morning, he went out again and saw others standing around in the market place without work. 4 And he said to them, “You go into the vineyard too and I will give you whatever is right.” 5 So they went. When he went out again about noon and three o’clock that afternoon, he did the same thing. 6 And about five o’clock that afternoon he went out and found others standing around, and he said to them, “Why are you standing here all day without work?” 7 They said to him, “Because no one has hired us.” He said to them, “You go and work in the vineyard too.”
8 When it was evening, the owner of the vineyard said to his manager, “Call the workers and give the pay starting with the last hired until the first.” 9 When those hired about five o’clock came, each received a full day’s pay. 10 And when those hired first came, they though they would receive more. But each one also received the standard wage. 11 When they received it, they began to complain against the landowner, 12 saying, “These last fellows worked one hour, and you have made them equal to us who bore the hardship and burning heat of the day.
13 And the landowner replied to one of them, “Friend, I am not treating you unfairly. Didn’t you agree with me to work for the standard wage? 14 Take what is yours and go. I want to give this last man the same as I gave to you. 15 Am I not permitted to do what I want with what belongs to me? Or are you envious because I am generous? 16 So the last will be first, and the first will be last.”
Bible verses found on http://bible.org/seriespage/workers-vineyard-matthew-201-16