Archive | October 2012

What no candy corn?

I know boy do I know! Here it is the very last weekend in October and these lips haven’t nibbled on a single candy corn kernel. Should start off by gripping on just how fast time has flown by on propelled wings and then to have it donned on me that I haven’t appropriated a bag. Seriously there has been no slam dunking into the plastic basket with them for home!

Don’t know about anyone else but in this household these quirky confections are a tradition here. That bag is snagged around the time of that initial leaf is taking a swan dive for the ground and yet this act hasn’t been played out. My yard with the barren dirt has been heaped with leaves for some time and I haven’t gobbled the sugary sweet treat. Not even by passing a desk at work since there is no desk or work for that matter.

Apart of the reason for being candy cornless! No work to buy unneeded goodies, so that has been my life as of late – interrupted. For awhile thought I would be reacting the girl in the title of the movie. Thankfully with my new approach and hard work in the re-wiring department of my mind leaning away from being skeptical of it happening. More thanks go to God because it was darn close to being the one to take the place of my nutsy neighbor! The newly crossed wires now take the glee from small stuff like the lowly candy corn and because of taking such pleasure of them have developed a ritual in which they are to be eaten.

You or should it be rephrase that to I? Well I can’t take a handful and plopped them into my mouth. Oh no! I would miss that certainty in receiving the all important gratification by doing it that way. The flavor is so illusive no one can put a finger on it to have it defined. So what I do it take a nib to that top white peak of the kernel. Yummy….Next is the orange abdomen and finally the yellow booty goes down nice and smooth. Auh…delicious!

Now if I want to live it up I will flip it upside down and munch on that golden end first then reversing my process. Just to be a little kinky or if I happen to be near like I was last year a Winco then I will mix the bag with the chocolate buttocks. However these will never suffice my cravings for traditional needs alone. Nor will the adorable pumpkin shaped confections either.  These variations must always be in additions too and not served by me alone.

By now I am sure many of you feel this eating method of the candy corn  reveals maybe too much of my idiosyncracies. And quite frankly it does. But then again this outlandish behavior came from the Oreo’s. So its their fault in some ways for my unorthodox display and honestly is worst when it comes to the Heath Bar! On this one I have to take that bar and scrap away all the chocolate coating with my teeth. Half way down it is naked then I will sink the teeth into it’s brittle buttery goodness. Scary part for  you but not for me is the excitement of thinking that all of this will be taught to Riley the grand baby.

These are small perks of being a nana and feel that these are also blessing by believing that all things go through God first. Weird I know linking the pure enjoyment of the gnawing on candy corn to Him the Lord. You know?

However before I began reconstruction to my path for the Lord felt that His works were like what was shown in the movies and written in volumes of books. It was in the big miraculous stuff in order to find His hands. So maybe I am a nut but I have found in the last couple weeks working in a new way, my mind has found more reasons to be happy. A huge increase of positive energy over what has transpired in the past.

There has been so much less in grumbling to the Lord than by what was in my history. Only last night did I have to threaten to beat myself with my own tongue and to be real honest have no idea what the heart of the issue was. Will just blame my hot flashes ( they were terrible) I had already skipped working on the Old Testament this was way too hard and depressing me so I  went into Matthew and read 4 vs 4 recited rather badly ” Man cannot live by bread alone” couldn’t recall the rest. My re-wiring hasn’t gotten that far as to being able to recite verbatim.

My reading stopped shy of the Title Christ Came to Fulfill the Law – not ready to face it. Shameful of it? Yes by all means. Just want my face heading on with a proper perspective is all. I feel that my obviously meaningless delight in the candy corn is getting me there faster than before.

It’s just not the candy corn it is appreciating all the small gestures and sights and sounds that is guiding my path now. Maybe one day I will feel the presence of the Lord too. 🙂



Matthew 4

New International Version (NIV)

Jesus Is Tested in the Wilderness

4 Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted[a] by the devil.After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”

Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’[b]

Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:

“‘He will command his angels concerning you,
and they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’[c]

Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’[d]

Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”

10 Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’[e]

11 Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.





bible verses found on :


About last night in October

There is a difference in the night when it comes to October than at any time throughout the year. I am slinking under covers for what will no longer be occasional as it has been the last few months and this time layers of them have been added on to. Even my sleep feels their weight and becomes sedated and so are the dreams – these are too made to be more serene, delightedly curious and interesting.

When I am awaken the crispness of the air that is breathed in is done so by taking a consequential measure of it before these toes of mine are snug into a pair of black fuzzy sleepers. This lamb climbs out from those thick comfy covers and scoots towards the kitchen to make a fresh batch of hot tea and when the money is around it’s Lipton’s infamous boxed yellow brand. This beverage that is drank all year long – tastes so much better in October and is inhaled with relish and gratitude.

I had mentioned before something profound a washes over me when the fall comes within reach. Just knowing this happens is truly astonishing but when it does unravel inside of me I so easily had omitted all the benefits. Then they say that the fall is beginning of death when the spring is for renewal. For this lamb it is reversed then could it be I am treating my life less carelessly?

Then I don’t think anyone really takes October for granted like the other months either. You see people gathered into toasty homes shouting instructions and cheers for their favorite teams. Families are united for a change with the assorted sporting events and the ovens are in use and cooking up comfort foods. Summer dinner plates maybe filled with health and lovely colors don’t conjure up comfort like a pot of stew does. Then again in October you can really have your cake and eat it too by the warm days and chilled nights that aren’t too chilly for the barbecue.

October offers more than the amenities of homey foods, you can see that the Lord is outside with his palette of colors going to town on His landscape. Butterflies and the birds are jovial before taking flights for the south at least they are here in the deserts of California and they are not alone with  all the bird enthusiasts freezing in their frames the mastery of His artwork.

For most of the year my mind is filled with all the worldly things – the problems, the gold that dangles for my attention and then suddenly home becomes a priority then I am inspired to use my hands for creating something out of nothing and before I  know it my thoughts have swept away all the cobwebs and it works so much better that way. I can think outside of myself and move them  on to the children who are anxiously awaiting to put on their costumes and knock on doors for treats. They giggle in the  fields standing next to these happy pumpkins bigger than them. Parents too are not squabbling with the youngsters and are in the hay rides reenacting the days of their youth.

Sure you can blast that halloween is the devil’s day if that is how you want to look at it. Same goes for all the ads on the radio and TV trying to get you to spend your hard-earned dollars at their establishments by using the annoying side of family life while watching the games. These sides are all a matter of how you look at it. Same goes for November we can enjoy all that fall has further to offer except it’s so hard to do when you know the second Thanksgiving is over its time for the started pistol to fire off the frenzy of the Christmas shopping. December other than the first silent night of snow is stolen by this need to purchase what has been lost after that unwrapping of the gifts.

Winter is for hibernation ahh! It’s for shoveling snow endlessly and freezing your tushie off unless you live here in the desert then we get to go outside and play and go for a drive to the snow. There I can leave when it has been enough of it. I lived in the snow that is why I have chosen the desert! The snow always had the audacity to come down not on my days off but on those working days and really had a barrel of laughs after I had the driveway cleaned off so nicely.

Spring sure its renewal but as with so many other stuff I don’t get it right and miss the whole renewal and then summer is for frolicking in the sun but none of the activities draw people together as October does. Maybe it being able to see the Lord’s hand in the leaves of the trees, or the scantling of smoked pine coming up from the chimney’s. Could this be from the baking of apple pies or then maybe knowing it won’t last for much longer. Coming to an end that brings the Lord and our focus back to where it should be on Him and His works.

I don’t know much about last night in October but I did enjoy all that it had to offer.

Hebrews 13:15

Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name.

Where ever I go there she is!

Lately is seems I cannot get any where anyway from this pest! I round a corner and there she comes smiling and waving at me. This can and does drive one nuts is all I can tell you.

Have you ever had a nuisance shadowing your every move before? Pretty frustrating experience isn’t it? I have moved jobs and changed professions there she comes, in through the door as a customer or as a fellow employee. So what can I do but alter my way of thinking in hopes she will be more likable. This works for so long then one day I hear that nauseating laugh and it gets me right between my good mood and turns it to sour.

Worst part is I wish it were just a person to dodge but its not, it follows everywhere because it is me that is so annoying. A reminder from a good blogger in her response to my post of being lucky. It is true I have been blessed with great fortune while I still have grumbled on all that I had in not’s. But you know if you keep running across the same problems over on top of others you have to take a good study into the mirror and the only answers that come up on the glass is the one you are looking at. In my case it’s me. So sad to say but it’s the painful truth.

As much as I hate scolding myself that is a job that must be done! However in my day what number 6 feeling really great outside yolandarose’s post about dreaming of balloons. Those colorful sphere’s on strings came into my dreams now I must take my leave to find out what they are all about. I am not afraid of balloons then my phobias are speaking to people with whom I haven’t met and rarely contribute to even those I do know if the group is more than 3…. Humm maybe that’s why I am not popular at parties or churches….humm…

Getting lucky these days

I am on the net surfing like a mad woman and it feels so good to be sitting here writing again. What a thrill ride life can be that at one moment you take something like this for granted then the next it is the best high ever! And yes I mean high without all the bad side effects to deal with afterwards other than questioning when can you get this fix again?! Well who knows but here I am. Yesterday my Nook let me reblog Theresa’s picture and I did so because it does feel so good when you see a group of young minds being positive and interacting with their brilliant smiles. I think it’s infectious and would rather see this over the junk I see more than not. Would you agree?

Speaking on smiles and positive energy my test of breaking new grounds for my path has so far been really, really good! Will note it has only been four whole days, so it could be short sighted but in these four days have also dealt with more of life’s crap so it hasn’t been the breeziest of times for restructuring an old mind into a new one but it has been way better than before. If I do stumble on bad thoughts of not doing it right I erase it, throwing it right out of the window with the dirty bath water so to speak. My readings in the Bible may not be right but it is picked and chosen by finding only what lines praise the Lord and not reading the words that say I am unfit. They say we are not to do that but at this stage of my game it is the best I can handle. There could be a time after I have built a strong foundation to tackle training that well rebuild who I am – for now this will have to do.

It does bring a question in mind when I did come across a blogger’s post on Christians leaving the church and their thoughtful concerns of missing out on the fellowships that offer support to their faith. This is a deep very noted worry for many believers and one of the reason for why I had begun this posts. What I saw in so may others I wasn’t getting it. People spoke about their issues but then they would say how the Lord answers their prayers and fills their wholes. The Lord has not really answered my prayers and my whole was growing wider and deeper. I wasn’t getting it and I certainly wasn’t receiving any support from the churches either. First of all they never approached me, at the beginning when everyone exchanges greetings none of it was sincere nor did they even acknowledge me. They warmly greeted everyone around me but not me unless I looked at then long enough they had to.

Now that I am away I am not being reminded every Sunday of just how invisible I am. As a matter of fact a gorgeous butterfly greeted me on a path and followed along the trail for a good length of time this made me feel not only happy but special. They are very timid like I am and we found each other. My three dogs and kitten think the world of  me and so do my birds. Riley my grandbaby also screams and shrieks loudly when she comes around a corner and finds me there. So I am not intolerable, so why would I go some place that makes me feel so unwelcomed?

For the Lord I have hope in Him building relationships that are unique to everyone and what fits for one does not fit for another and I think I feel pretty lucky to be able to praise Him in my way which is the best that I can be is to smile at the grace that He offers.


The nit and the gritty

So this lost little lamb is still hanging without computer and it seems of late that Nook hasn’t been playing nice either by not uploading everyone’s blog. So I am not sneaking inside your heads to sit for a spell. I kinda like your minds over mine own, its good to see things from a different perspective. Instead of finding some interest through you I have continued to do so through old fashion means in the stone age of books and this isn’t what I want to exchange in ideas either just giving a reason on why some haven’t seen my lamby face at the bottom of your like section is all. So no I haven’t forgotten anyone nor have I moved to someone else just can’t get there is all. I say this because as you know I am squirrelly with emotions and always wondered what happened to so and so – did I piss them off? I really don’t care to piss people off, so I worried a lot over it.

But you know me over thinking everything instead of rolling the ideas off like a duck with water on its back. Just to let it flow, well I had received a few of my books that I was planning to make this great article about and so you know that has been dumped into a circular file bind for good but the thing is the timing was perfect because I had them for reading. One book in particular that actually had set on my own book shelf for years unread. I had gone to the trouble of seeking out this novel on purpose and with a purpose also and yet it took me more than six years to sit down and read it. It was discovered on an exceptionally slow day at work and the employer left his newpaper’s Sunday edition laying around; so on my break read the – Oh my god I forgot that section in the LA Times!  The one I lived on in my youth to know all the happenings in town and for things such as reviews of books and naturally of course the album reviews. My weekend was planned around this special folded section -maybe it’s called the Weekender? Oh well it’s not the point but it does bring about how much life has changed. It has been that long in planning a weekend that I have forgotten what I used to jump-start my free time with – the weekend bible.

To get back on track there was a write-up on this book, it was on target with the times. I wanted to understand more about other people and it spoke of the country Turkey and the religious chaos of that time which really was only the early 2000’s. This was after the 911 and  a lot of talk about the Islamic most of what I heard was ugly. I wanted to get to the nitty gritty on what was real. I know from my heart most of what we hear is glossed over. It speaks of the group but not of the individual. Everyone does this, I do unfortunately and so does what ever group and even in this book you hear the conversations of them calling us the west with western thoughts.

The idea perplexes me how people are grouped into one set of ideals. Something says to me that if I were to take the time to listen to the one person would more than likely see that they do not encompass that picture that has been drawn in. Maybe this  picture that most of us hold up to be so set in stone that there can be no other way to see it and yet I dream it’s all an illusion. So I wanted to know more and it sat there without any further action. Why I do not know and cannot explain until last week when I picked it up. So in reading it which wasn’t easy, the writing wasn’t that great, way better than me but how the story laid out was unusual to say the least and I would have to give the author more credit because it was being read on the heels of John Steinbeck’s Tortilla Flat’s. I mean I put that book down and picked up Snow by Orhan Pamuk.

Though it isn’t fair to this author because while Tortilla Flat plot wasn’t all that interesting and I had to remind myself a couple of times this was written long ago – the skill used in the writing in itself was superbly done. I could see and hear them talking even when he broke out the King’s language. A point I couldn’t understand until I was through with it. Nearest I could guess is we all would like to believe our ideas are nobel and that we can be better than we are so yes in my thoughts I have maybe not spoken using words for example -” where goest thou?” have thought like that.

Then there was the beginning, this opening had me sucked in and to be honest my understanding of literature and building a proper format for a book is zero! So when he wrote in the preface “This is the story of Danny and of Danny’s friends and of Danny’s house. It is a story of how these three became one thing, so in Tortilla Flat if you speak of Danny’s house you do not mean a structure of wood flaked with old whitewash, overgrown with an ancient uintrimmed rose of Castile. No, when you speak of Danny’s house you are understood to mean a unit of which the parts the men, from which came sweetness and joy, philanthropy and, in the end, a mystic sorrow.” It just gets better and more intriguing that you can not put that first chapter down. Not even for a sip of your tea. So to judge the next writer is truly a disservice to any other author except for maybe Shakespeare, but it wasn’t him to follow.

This is an author from that country speaking in a story about his people and the struggle to find happiness through hardships and the depths of poverty that I have been spared so far in. Yes in America I am poor and have missed meals been so close to being homeless I could smell the dirt I was going to be laying in next but haven’t actually slept in it as of yet. So I may not be able to get computer repairs done or replaced and have to steal golden moments from someone else I haven’t dealt with what so many have. This is where I am learning we still have the same needs and the same feeling when we are in trouble. I don’t have my little Riley anymore or for now I do hope to regain her back and as much as I am not a parent and wished that I wasn’t going through so much like the menopause making it an extra burden stealing these precious moments away from a very sweet little human who should never at her tender age know what it is like to have an unstable foundation. Thankfully at two they don’t get it. I do though.

In this book they talk incisively about happiness and being unhappy. The characters and I mean the characters because I haven’t spoken with the individual but it seemed to feel as if they were bragging about their unhappiness. Such a weird thing to do but at the same time not really surprising is it? I have gotten together with friends and you can find yourself trying to steal someone thunder right out from under them especially if they are conversing on their troubles. Imagining myself playing one man up – manship is really cold but have done it primary over unhappiness because the happy moments are so far in between that it doesn’t take long before your neighbor Tom has beaten you at the game.

I was listening to the characterS heartfully discussing what has been my biggest trip up on my path in seeking God, so did these individuals in their own religion of being Islamic’s. So it maybe appear that this is universal of our necessity to be connected with God in such a fashion that we cannot lose faith in our troubles and this is not easy. The nit and the gritty is we all want happiness through Him our LORD. This book painted a good scene of people who do not have the freedoms to speak intimately when it comes to this part of their lives, the beliefs, fears of being called an atheists. We can say that word all day long and no one would stop you, however say Jesus too many times and you may experience what they do if they were to say atheists. Thankfully we wouldn’t get their repercussions of using Jesus name (I mean in the proper context not the cuss word his name has become)

Restricting what we speak would have to plaque on the foot of unhappiness. Its one thing to want to believe another to be told what and how to believe, even I have trouble in this area. Not that it’s a state ordered, its implied in how you find that peace through God. This makes me wonder in this struggle of seeking Him if the Lord himself is laughing his backside off at how we have made a mess of it all. Do you know what I mean here?

Happiness = Knowing God’s love = brings happiness

It’s that simple and I can’t get it. Really can’t get it when I keep reading and hearing how unfit I am in the Lord’s eyes. Already have trouble with self-worth and esteem. Sure at moments in my life it went the other way, too full of myself. This was a cover up for feeling inadequate and seeking after someone who says that this is true doesn’t really get me to get up and go forward. Not at all.

So I want to believe that there is more to it not more complications more simplified way of gaining faith and I don’t mean just doing it even though you don’t feel it. When I heard that it ate at me. Think about it, if you were say married and  yes in this relationship you will have ups and downs and yes you have to move through it and sometimes you do have to fake it on more than your orgasm but if this takes too long and too much time is spent pretending everything will come back in line soon you will recoil from feeling brushed off. They too will be tuned into your act and will withdraw from you. It’s hurtful being slighted and it makes me wonder how long will God give you before he turns away from you?

I have seen people praying with their eyes closed and they have this air that is so peaceful I have to wonder – are they good performers? Or is this for real? There are people who pick things up and don’t think much further and accept as a child then there are others like me this lamb who rolls it over until it no longer looks the same. It’s not because we don’t accept the information I just don’t believe when the history has proven otherwise. My history of being forgotten, not being the special enough to be picked for a team before all the others, the spouse who thinks the world of you and you know it. Same goes in growing up, my mother never missed my sister’s baseball games and only made two  in the three years of soccer, these events created distrust.

But with all of this knowing that so many and reading the unhappiness has me more geared to not seek happiness. Oh no I am going to take it! I am not going to seek the Lord I am going to take it. I am going to draw my own nit and gritty of it all and begin my own path. My own relationship because following everyone hasn’t worked at all. I have never been so miserable and bared so much pain trying to meet what others have deemed acceptable actions of becoming a Christian.

Don’t know if this will work but it already feels so much better that it has got to be. I am not going to listen to what I am doing wrong or what is bad or unsightly but dwell in what I am. I can’t be any different, oh I have tried and it fails so badly that I do not get up as quickly as I did in my youth. When your young you are made of sponge and bounce back now that I am older have used up all those perks and left with this! So I must accept this that I am because that is all there is to work with.

And with this the one thing that has held true this whole time is what is negative breeds rapidly more negative energy field and it doesn’t take much to keep it going unlike the positive thoughts churning into more good healthy conductive energy for life. So I am taking away what thoughts that line up with the Lord has taken it away for your own good. The Lord has deemed it unfit. Now I am not a person who does things to hurt people, I don’t drink, don’t do drugs, don’t beat on others so no I am not harming another. Yes I am weak in not facing my neighbor or in taking on helping another as quickly as I should be. Then again I am not so quick at taking free samples from the vendors in grocery stores to running to grab that free sandwich deal at a fast food restaurant either.

I am a shky person is what I am and this does cause problems. I am the person people in church will shake her hand and not look at her, the paster that speaks and hugs all those around her and yet doesn’t even look into my eyes to shake my hands person. What I am good at because I don’t need the center of attention is doing the background work. The stuff most find boring as shit but needs to be done kind of workers. The nit and the gritty of an operation but today no one bothers to notice these people.

It all doesn’t matter because in my path that I have redesigned my plan is to remember to give thanks to the Lord in the morning as I take a walk that I am quickly really learning that people are coming in droves to that preserve. I am going to be happy that this is at my door step and to be able to listen to the birds and see all the butterflies that are seeking this area is truly spectacular. I will feed myself too with them instead of concentrating on all that I am missing out on. The absence of a secured job, the missing spouse or getting caught up in how God doesn’t like or likes this. I think he likes it when we see his creations and know its his works. Taking pleasure of the blueness of the sky and making out animal forms in the clouds. I don’t think he is worried about how frail our judgments the decisions that have bad consequences to them. That comes naturally, maybe not right away but it comes one way or another. So I must steal the moment in the muddle of chaos to enjoy that second whether it be the smile on Riley’s face or the taste of a champagne cocktail. Been dreaming of one made with apricot brandy with a slice of apricot at the bottom. It’s not the drunk feeling it’s tasting something so fine it brings a smile just thinking about it.

Right or wrong we all want happiness to be truly happy and yes we can’t know what that means “happy” if we didn’t experience what unhappiness was. We all long to be in a deeply meaningful relationship with God, doesn’t matter is your Christian, Muslim or any other religion, we need God to survive and I think it’s man’s take on God that carries the unhappiness we feel. Why can’t we make it simple and just be grateful and praise him without all the strings attached? You know the real meat and potatoes in the nit and the grit of being children of God.