The nit and the gritty

So this lost little lamb is still hanging without computer and it seems of late that Nook hasn’t been playing nice either by not uploading everyone’s blog. So I am not sneaking inside your heads to sit for a spell. I kinda like your minds over mine own, its good to see things from a different perspective. Instead of finding some interest through you I have continued to do so through old fashion means in the stone age of books and this isn’t what I want to exchange in ideas either just giving a reason on why some haven’t seen my lamby face at the bottom of your like section is all. So no I haven’t forgotten anyone nor have I moved to someone else just can’t get there is all. I say this because as you know I am squirrelly with emotions and always wondered what happened to so and so – did I piss them off? I really don’t care to piss people off, so I worried a lot over it.

But you know me over thinking everything instead of rolling the ideas off like a duck with water on its back. Just to let it flow, well I had received a few of my books that I was planning to make this great article about and so you know that has been dumped into a circular file bind for good but the thing is the timing was perfect because I had them for reading. One book in particular that actually had set on my own book shelf for years unread. I had gone to the trouble of seeking out this novel on purpose and with a purpose also and yet it took me more than six years to sit down and read it. It was discovered on an exceptionally slow day at work and the employer left his newpaper’s Sunday edition laying around; so on my break read the – Oh my god I forgot that section in the LA Times!  The one I lived on in my youth to know all the happenings in town and for things such as reviews of books and naturally of course the album reviews. My weekend was planned around this special folded section -maybe it’s called the Weekender? Oh well it’s not the point but it does bring about how much life has changed. It has been that long in planning a weekend that I have forgotten what I used to jump-start my free time with – the weekend bible.

To get back on track there was a write-up on this book, it was on target with the times. I wanted to understand more about other people and it spoke of the country Turkey and the religious chaos of that time which really was only the early 2000’s. This was after the 911 and  a lot of talk about the Islamic most of what I heard was ugly. I wanted to get to the nitty gritty on what was real. I know from my heart most of what we hear is glossed over. It speaks of the group but not of the individual. Everyone does this, I do unfortunately and so does what ever group and even in this book you hear the conversations of them calling us the west with western thoughts.

The idea perplexes me how people are grouped into one set of ideals. Something says to me that if I were to take the time to listen to the one person would more than likely see that they do not encompass that picture that has been drawn in. Maybe this  picture that most of us hold up to be so set in stone that there can be no other way to see it and yet I dream it’s all an illusion. So I wanted to know more and it sat there without any further action. Why I do not know and cannot explain until last week when I picked it up. So in reading it which wasn’t easy, the writing wasn’t that great, way better than me but how the story laid out was unusual to say the least and I would have to give the author more credit because it was being read on the heels of John Steinbeck’s Tortilla Flat’s. I mean I put that book down and picked up Snow by Orhan Pamuk.

Though it isn’t fair to this author because while Tortilla Flat plot wasn’t all that interesting and I had to remind myself a couple of times this was written long ago – the skill used in the writing in itself was superbly done. I could see and hear them talking even when he broke out the King’s language. A point I couldn’t understand until I was through with it. Nearest I could guess is we all would like to believe our ideas are nobel and that we can be better than we are so yes in my thoughts I have maybe not spoken using words for example -” where goest thou?” have thought like that.

Then there was the beginning, this opening had me sucked in and to be honest my understanding of literature and building a proper format for a book is zero! So when he wrote in the preface “This is the story of Danny and of Danny’s friends and of Danny’s house. It is a story of how these three became one thing, so in Tortilla Flat if you speak of Danny’s house you do not mean a structure of wood flaked with old whitewash, overgrown with an ancient uintrimmed rose of Castile. No, when you speak of Danny’s house you are understood to mean a unit of which the parts the men, from which came sweetness and joy, philanthropy and, in the end, a mystic sorrow.” It just gets better and more intriguing that you can not put that first chapter down. Not even for a sip of your tea. So to judge the next writer is truly a disservice to any other author except for maybe Shakespeare, but it wasn’t him to follow.

This is an author from that country speaking in a story about his people and the struggle to find happiness through hardships and the depths of poverty that I have been spared so far in. Yes in America I am poor and have missed meals been so close to being homeless I could smell the dirt I was going to be laying in next but haven’t actually slept in it as of yet. So I may not be able to get computer repairs done or replaced and have to steal golden moments from someone else I haven’t dealt with what so many have. This is where I am learning we still have the same needs and the same feeling when we are in trouble. I don’t have my little Riley anymore or for now I do hope to regain her back and as much as I am not a parent and wished that I wasn’t going through so much like the menopause making it an extra burden stealing these precious moments away from a very sweet little human who should never at her tender age know what it is like to have an unstable foundation. Thankfully at two they don’t get it. I do though.

In this book they talk incisively about happiness and being unhappy. The characters and I mean the characters because I haven’t spoken with the individual but it seemed to feel as if they were bragging about their unhappiness. Such a weird thing to do but at the same time not really surprising is it? I have gotten together with friends and you can find yourself trying to steal someone thunder right out from under them especially if they are conversing on their troubles. Imagining myself playing one man up – manship is really cold but have done it primary over unhappiness because the happy moments are so far in between that it doesn’t take long before your neighbor Tom has beaten you at the game.

I was listening to the characterS heartfully discussing what has been my biggest trip up on my path in seeking God, so did these individuals in their own religion of being Islamic’s. So it maybe appear that this is universal of our necessity to be connected with God in such a fashion that we cannot lose faith in our troubles and this is not easy. The nit and the gritty is we all want happiness through Him our LORD. This book painted a good scene of people who do not have the freedoms to speak intimately when it comes to this part of their lives, the beliefs, fears of being called an atheists. We can say that word all day long and no one would stop you, however say Jesus too many times and you may experience what they do if they were to say atheists. Thankfully we wouldn’t get their repercussions of using Jesus name (I mean in the proper context not the cuss word his name has become)

Restricting what we speak would have to plaque on the foot of unhappiness. Its one thing to want to believe another to be told what and how to believe, even I have trouble in this area. Not that it’s a state ordered, its implied in how you find that peace through God. This makes me wonder in this struggle of seeking Him if the Lord himself is laughing his backside off at how we have made a mess of it all. Do you know what I mean here?

Happiness = Knowing God’s love = brings happiness

It’s that simple and I can’t get it. Really can’t get it when I keep reading and hearing how unfit I am in the Lord’s eyes. Already have trouble with self-worth and esteem. Sure at moments in my life it went the other way, too full of myself. This was a cover up for feeling inadequate and seeking after someone who says that this is true doesn’t really get me to get up and go forward. Not at all.

So I want to believe that there is more to it not more complications more simplified way of gaining faith and I don’t mean just doing it even though you don’t feel it. When I heard that it ate at me. Think about it, if you were say married and  yes in this relationship you will have ups and downs and yes you have to move through it and sometimes you do have to fake it on more than your orgasm but if this takes too long and too much time is spent pretending everything will come back in line soon you will recoil from feeling brushed off. They too will be tuned into your act and will withdraw from you. It’s hurtful being slighted and it makes me wonder how long will God give you before he turns away from you?

I have seen people praying with their eyes closed and they have this air that is so peaceful I have to wonder – are they good performers? Or is this for real? There are people who pick things up and don’t think much further and accept as a child then there are others like me this lamb who rolls it over until it no longer looks the same. It’s not because we don’t accept the information I just don’t believe when the history has proven otherwise. My history of being forgotten, not being the special enough to be picked for a team before all the others, the spouse who thinks the world of you and you know it. Same goes in growing up, my mother never missed my sister’s baseball games and only made two  in the three years of soccer, these events created distrust.

But with all of this knowing that so many and reading the unhappiness has me more geared to not seek happiness. Oh no I am going to take it! I am not going to seek the Lord I am going to take it. I am going to draw my own nit and gritty of it all and begin my own path. My own relationship because following everyone hasn’t worked at all. I have never been so miserable and bared so much pain trying to meet what others have deemed acceptable actions of becoming a Christian.

Don’t know if this will work but it already feels so much better that it has got to be. I am not going to listen to what I am doing wrong or what is bad or unsightly but dwell in what I am. I can’t be any different, oh I have tried and it fails so badly that I do not get up as quickly as I did in my youth. When your young you are made of sponge and bounce back now that I am older have used up all those perks and left with this! So I must accept this that I am because that is all there is to work with.

And with this the one thing that has held true this whole time is what is negative breeds rapidly more negative energy field and it doesn’t take much to keep it going unlike the positive thoughts churning into more good healthy conductive energy for life. So I am taking away what thoughts that line up with the Lord has taken it away for your own good. The Lord has deemed it unfit. Now I am not a person who does things to hurt people, I don’t drink, don’t do drugs, don’t beat on others so no I am not harming another. Yes I am weak in not facing my neighbor or in taking on helping another as quickly as I should be. Then again I am not so quick at taking free samples from the vendors in grocery stores to running to grab that free sandwich deal at a fast food restaurant either.

I am a shky person is what I am and this does cause problems. I am the person people in church will shake her hand and not look at her, the paster that speaks and hugs all those around her and yet doesn’t even look into my eyes to shake my hands person. What I am good at because I don’t need the center of attention is doing the background work. The stuff most find boring as shit but needs to be done kind of workers. The nit and the gritty of an operation but today no one bothers to notice these people.

It all doesn’t matter because in my path that I have redesigned my plan is to remember to give thanks to the Lord in the morning as I take a walk that I am quickly really learning that people are coming in droves to that preserve. I am going to be happy that this is at my door step and to be able to listen to the birds and see all the butterflies that are seeking this area is truly spectacular. I will feed myself too with them instead of concentrating on all that I am missing out on. The absence of a secured job, the missing spouse or getting caught up in how God doesn’t like or likes this. I think he likes it when we see his creations and know its his works. Taking pleasure of the blueness of the sky and making out animal forms in the clouds. I don’t think he is worried about how frail our judgments the decisions that have bad consequences to them. That comes naturally, maybe not right away but it comes one way or another. So I must steal the moment in the muddle of chaos to enjoy that second whether it be the smile on Riley’s face or the taste of a champagne cocktail. Been dreaming of one made with apricot brandy with a slice of apricot at the bottom. It’s not the drunk feeling it’s tasting something so fine it brings a smile just thinking about it.

Right or wrong we all want happiness to be truly happy and yes we can’t know what that means “happy” if we didn’t experience what unhappiness was. We all long to be in a deeply meaningful relationship with God, doesn’t matter is your Christian, Muslim or any other religion, we need God to survive and I think it’s man’s take on God that carries the unhappiness we feel. Why can’t we make it simple and just be grateful and praise him without all the strings attached? You know the real meat and potatoes in the nit and the grit of being children of God.





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