Archive | November 2012

What came with the November breeze

November is so different from October and if I were to do a comparison study it would be way too unfair for November.  One thing I detest about this month that time change. Dark before 5 pm rolls around? Please that alone ruins it! Thanksgiving should be awesome – not! For those alone or always having to work it. Which was my case. When the kids were young I was at work, now they are grown I get an incredible reminder of my status.

Not to make out November all bad, the walks on the path are interesting, plants rapidly take on new looks, fewer people but the one that are there are serious and have the cameras ready to catch that last breath before winter closes in. Cooking up heartier meals helps make up for suddenly finding forty thirty a good hour for snoozing. When the boys were young made my life much easier getting them back indoors, lacking employment and any hopes of landing a job before the EDD runs out, I just want to escape through the dreams of a better life.

About now you are wondering what came in through the breeze of November?

Good time to and the place it all began was just the other day. I had to take that dreadful drive to the DMV. So yes I didn’t expect to notice anything or have an experience worth blogging over and here I am having a chat over it. First thing once getting into the DMV’s parking lot were actual parking spaces and this mind you was way past noon because I was not too keen on coming mostly for the reasons of not wanting to hand over my small volumes of cash. Hard enough to pay the bills then getting unexpected costs gets my goat.  So here I was in the no appointment line, in which when I did get to the front he suggested an appointment for the next day, guessing they didn’t have much help so I took advantage of his kind gesture. Completely ignoring how it used up fuel. On my way back took a different route needed kitty litter, stopped at a K Mart.

This was the beginning of that November breeze, the store was frightfully so sad. Parking lot kind of full, and must have been vehicles belonging to employees, One checker and no one in line and customers well let’s just say must have been hidden, didn’t lay eyes on more than two other people. Everyone knows they and Sears are in trouble, the rumors have been going around for years and let’s just say I possibly these could be more than rumors now. The store had the same feeling as Woolworth’s, Cornet’s dinosaurs of my youth.

Names could go longer but what would the point be? They are history. Of course all the news is the poor old Twinkies and Hostess products, the brand names of my youth vanishing. Why would this matter so much to me? I can’t recall the last Hostess product purchased by me, didn’t have them in my cupboards for my sons flatly because it wasn’t in the budget. As a seventh and eighth grader Twinkies and a hot dog was my main lunch, the staples very happily replaced my brown bag lunch that was prepared by me not my mom. She rarely ever got up to see us off so no I was sick of eating PB&J’s.

A lot of products and ideals have gone to the way side, problem is it’s November and having this information breezing past the vacant trees and dimly lit afternoons drives another nail into the coffin with more notice. Doesn’t help when my skin has this reptilian appearance, ruining any possible thought of being young anymore. I don’t mind not being in my prime anymore and would set with more grace if I were gainfully employed making up a viable citizen, is all I am saying.

However like the plants that are now showing very little in life when they are really storing up energy and they do have solid plans to return more gloriously than they were before the months of winter. So should I right? Wonder if I could do it as tastefully and as graceful as they do? Hummm?

As much as I hated saying good byes to October and it seems some of the products that had pictures of my grandmother, my father, sister tied to them, the easy life of my childhood. Sure there was pain attached to all of the above there was a lot of good times too. Even in those taboo T.V ads of the Marlboro , Lucky Strikes and the Pabst Blue Ribbon beer that have been gone a long time. Do you think the grandparents felt this way when Neil Armstrong took that first step on the moon? Hard to keep up with the November breeze these days, isn’t it?


Moving up 2 days in a row!

Yep sirree on here two days in a row. Miracles do happen! Problem with yesterday after taking what felt like hours in writing the post, the internet or the computer don’t know were taxing my patience and it collapsed when it came time to find out all of the juicy news on WordPress. Think I managed three bloggers, such a let down and that Nook is still iffy. Must be the high winds and a small town the lines are above ground not underneath like in the normal cities.

It’s all a test and I might be getting a little better, tried and failed in getting those pics in. I have so many adorable Riley photos I want to show off and can’t get them in. One day that will be all anyone sees for days, her sweet little pumpkin face and no you will not get a shot of her in the devil costume her mom put her in that first Halloween!

On the other side of blogging that has been inactive I had taken a chance on writing a poem and here is the second one in which I will make everyone suffer under. Just have got to find my cadence in the words to get back to constructing stories.

A Day

There was a day

a moment

I had a say

it was a quiet spell

time for reflections

to tell

in order to make the corrections

By speaking

that doesn’t hang by the tongue

chiseled curves in lengths of long

worn by the beatings

Then to tear down the impulsion

built by these repeating

renewing my convictions

isn’t this to be decreed?

But who will this be?

the one to repair misguided foot steps

would it be me

the creator of the mess?

listening for the voice

looking for the guidance

through the void in the noise

could there be allowances?

i need ears given to the deaf

needing the words for my illiteracy

please before the hailing of death

can this my idiocy?

But this is the repetition

isn’t it?

a completion

of my cycle, circling the hit


are keys

keeping focus raised to the acquisition

so the goal could come with more ease

are the needs

there will be a day

a night

that I will say

to my guiding light

at the end of the long dark passage

and see what couldn’t be seen

understanding the unyielding messages

lurking behind the scenes

The words full of mercy

thankfully for someone like me

who worries in misery

even when all that hasn’t to be done is to believe

There will be a day

a moment

I had a say


Overcoming ill wills

in the peace

in the day so still

all my broken pieces

they had gone to a well


There was a day

a moment

see Jesus Christ

Our Lord

my Savor

he had my broken pieces


showing me what was brought

giving me favor

over what I had sought

There was a day

a  moment

He had a say on how He fought

so I could be saved

Because there was a day

He took up the cross

because of my bad ways

so I wouldn’t be lost

He suffered the nails

that I wrongfully caused

and it should have been my wails

on that day

that will never be

for the believer in Thee


Out Lord and Savor

found in Him.


Figuring out on where to begin

Don’t know where to start and a lot of water has gone under this bridge and in taking a gander on where to leap into the flowing currents is hard. Brutally challenging but must be done in order to change my course. Sometimes these moments are good you know – keeping the blood smoothly traversing through the veins, feeding brain cell to remain a viable healthy organ.

So I have to abide my time on assorted projects – the one that gets me is the self loathing kind of work up. Amazing how much of that task absorbs the hours into days and heaven forbid it calms down at bedtime. That really kicks into high gear – stressful work and yet this carrier isn’t necessary but it gets done. Very well by me and sad part is I can’t stick that one a resume. Maybe thankfully it can’t be – hate to think a potential employer being in need of hiring a knucklehead. Could you just imagine what kind of work that would be? Might be stretching the curve for eligibility but the world could use crash dummies to perform in jams.

In this hard head it has also contemplated my few months on this road in finding the Lord, to be honest haven’t made a ton of progress here. Then I am my own worst critic. I can say proudly the only main lesson so far under my belt is that there is no way I could ever agree against the possibility of this world arriving without God. Adding with a great deal in glee that there will be no misguiding words to be used in conversations or heated debates against Jesus Christ not being my nor anyone else’s Lord and Savor. Would I past the part where I would become a martyr? Don’t think so not as of yet. Bit squeamish coming to pain. Don’t think anyone can say in advance they could make it through it but I would sell what I hold on to with fondness – my right arm to avoid it, is all I am saying.

Learning though it’s not cemented in to become a habitual trait, keeping my eyes up high and not on what I am naturally drawn to – worry, frustrations, you know the bad stuff. Still enjoying the duties in soaking up the small goodies in the day. Forgetting that I would really love to dwell on the big treasures – the spending spree at a Michael’s craft store or even try out some new clothing that can be purchased – that’s chicken feed easy to get excited over but scrapping the bottom of the barrel and coming up with a juicing prize takes work. Or does it?

For instance I got a chance to run over to Winco – boy talk about getting riled up and in talking about shopping then getting to go for food, just my favorite subject, so I was in an extra lively mood. Stepping outside then jammed for the door going for a winter coat. The wind was piercing right through my tee. One thing about the desert is it can be just as cold as it can be hot! Air here goes from warm and toasty to solid form, able to carve your flesh right from the bones and what is left will be dried out for jerky. No matter the lotion it will not be enough to keep the crocodile leather off of you. Any how it was briskly cold and the wind – not too far away they have rows miles deep of wind turbines – so you can imagine at how fast that wind can gallop over the land. I got into the vehicle and had to warm the tinsy beast up, good time to apply my lipstick and as I was digging into the bottom of my purse I happened to have seen this very good size green grasshopper, the kind where you can see the adorable face eating your cucumber leaves in the summer time.

They really are the cutest things, can see how Disney had no trouble creating such sweet character out of Jimmy Cricket – Oops, Jimmy would hate to hear that so please don’t tell him about my slip up. Keep getting off track but this cute guy took a leap just as the wind got a second wind and I watched him do a couple of back flips then seriously took a nose dive right into the dirt when it let up. He laid there and I could read his thoughts. Here’s my crude script of his inner workings…..












So yes it can be very difficult to see the light in the hard times but then it can also be hysterical when found, just wish I could laugh a little more at myself when I make stupid mistakes like venturing out in bad weather like this little green guy did. I can tell my bad days to others and make them and me laugh it up but when it goes down I have a sour puss sneer on my face and that isn’t funny, well it does look pretty ridiculous.

Missing you all, hope everyone has a awesome Thanksgiving just incase I never see the computer again 🙂








1st pic:

2nd pic:

Vexed then thwarted

Well here it is November and my October bloom has gone to gloom! Eek gads how this trial of being so disconnected has taxed my patience. Elections are what Tuesday and to cast my vote has not helped at all. Being unplugged may have advantages but along with it are just too many situations to make it a life long commitment to keep and to what could be the reasonableness of this – it is not. There is more than inconveniences, this is being so left in the dark that I am the person living under a rock. Had no idea why that phrase has any validity to it but now that I am that person fully am I amiss by having to become this densely naive being.

It didn’t help the day Hurricane Sandy came along, one didn’t know it, heard a glib on the radio, once home hopped on to my Nook saw one article about 11 people died and most were because they hadn’t evacuated and they had down graded the storm to a tropical storm level. There was not one word of how what seems to be a major portion of the Northeastern coast left in chaos. Before my internet popped open to the news so I could see the what’s up. I felt badly for those 11 people and after living through Big Bear’s one season in particular during this fire swore I would never evacuate again. Leaving was enough to cause heart failure and then hanging out in the Red Cross centers were no picnic – mostly because of my animals (my sons)- the dogs didn’t do so well either. Here I am already lost in how badly people have it right now and there is no easy fix that a badge will improve the lot. Knowing that this has taken place or not doesn’t change anything other than no prayers were given with pleads for their help.

I can’t fix it but in being so clueless on most anything that is going on n the world or in my own backyard, looking for work is another task that isn’t much fun. Too many trials and the paraphernalia that goes with it is getting awfully heavy. To be able to hand it over to the Lord and leave it there would be terrific experience to have. I just do not know how to. Seriously how do you do that? I have asked in my sweetest voice to my very best two-year old interpretation that can be mustered and yet when I walk away there it is sneaking up behind me and before I know it – it has passed me up and is awaiting at my door, smiling with a “Hey we missed you, so what took so long getting here” and I am stuck with it all.

Accepting then undertaking that this will be it generates some good times but only for so long. Don’t know if it’s because prior to this I was a work alcoholic. I have created out of thin air and few supplies two dolls for my grand baby and messed around with making some beaded bracelets – again only by what I have on hand because there is no funds for supplies. The book is not happening at all anymore. Seems so pointless and what I toiled at though not so well was here on this blog is sporadic. Thankfully I have my daily walks to get me through! They have been deeply therapeutic and it does come with some health benefits, always a good thing. 🙂

So last night I was trying to be creative, wanting find the right button to change all of this, it has got to change before my mind falls out from lack of interests. I searched Career Builders job lists, made notes to hit up the library for the applications and then went over to the dangerous and be aware of jobs on Craig Lists posts. These are without a doubt good reads and once in a blue moon will be some legit positions but its a bowl full of fish on which one is the true question. While there had this extra freakish thought of placing an ad on finding people. Thought since I don’t do well at churches, or any kind of group maybe there is another person who has the same problem. I looked to see what others were writing, they actually did have a section for platonic relations. Well that was up my alley! To meet someone and not have sex with them is about all I can handle right now. I don’t care if the person is man or woman when it comes to having conversations and someone to hang out with. Placing an ad in the women’s sections might imply I want more than friendship and in the men’s section well more of the same. In both sections and even in the platonic line is desperation. Sorry but it could be.

Having no job, no computer, no cable, no friends with in my sad cars’ reach and no funds, yes it’s desperation time! Naturally I did some checking out what people wrote in there, oh that was an experience. One thing on being naive is I didn’t read the m4m, w4w, m4w, w4m codes at all. Why would I when it says looking for platonic friendships?  One ad read that he was actually desperate and ready to jump, this was written in the title. I saw that he was only 30, pretty young to give up and then he wrote that he had been raped in 08 and then was diagnosed with HIV. To be honest I didn’t know this ad was by a man until after I had sent an email, not that it makes any difference, my concerns was on this person thinking about jumping, so I offered an ear. Didn’t know what else to give this poor soul. I don’t have anything else to give. I sent off my reply like I said and think I will never hear back one he did have m4m so with hopes he has been receiving replies by those he had hoped for and would know better than I exactly what he’s facing.

I may not have been raped per-say have been through a lot in this 54 years, doesn’t mean I am fit for offering guidance is all. I just wonder how many are out there that feel so alone, so at the end of their ropes they feel there are no hope for their lives to turn around? I have to admit it is getting that close for me and I am not talking about the personal belongings that I no longer have possession of. I am speaking about finding a mentor to guide the next step, the friendly voice on the other side of the phone,  pillow or sofa. At least when I had Riley here felt a purpose, inevitably  so was my hot flashes that were running rampant. Life is never balanced for convenience – good ole Murphy is always there to strike!

There is always Christ to lean on of course and His word but think we are the ones to make people feel His presence. Maybe and of course as usual have it wrong but I know I need to find something that will fill the void and like many people out there with life that is so busy and difficult that it’s hard to not get bruised and be dented for life by it. The demands even being unemployed and out of the loop are still there strangling, forcing many to have their face to the floor and to fix it can take an action as small as greeting one another with a warm smile while standing in the grocery lines, the gas stations, the person  handing over the happy meal could use your patience and kind greetings, they work hard for very little while they have made our day easier by not having to deal with dinner or lunch, what ever time it is showing up for fast food, sit down meal in the restaurants and the school teacher with an overloaded classroom, the nurses in attendances in the E.R, where ever we meet people, we could  together change the hearts of the ones who are vexed with dissolution and so thwarted that they feel it is hopeless.

I know I do believe in Christ and some do not – does it really matter when we try to make the day better for ourselves that it should start by making another person’s day be a tad brighter first? Think it does help seeing Christ and listening to his word than to be reading my ramblings to understand the drift of what I am getting at.

John 13:34-35ESV

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”


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