Vexed then thwarted

Well here it is November and my October bloom has gone to gloom! Eek gads how this trial of being so disconnected has taxed my patience. Elections are what Tuesday and to cast my vote has not helped at all. Being unplugged may have advantages but along with it are just too many situations to make it a life long commitment to keep and to what could be the reasonableness of this – it is not. There is more than inconveniences, this is being so left in the dark that I am the person living under a rock. Had no idea why that phrase has any validity to it but now that I am that person fully am I amiss by having to become this densely naive being.

It didn’t help the day Hurricane Sandy came along, one didn’t know it, heard a glib on the radio, once home hopped on to my Nook saw one article about 11 people died and most were because they hadn’t evacuated and they had down graded the storm to a tropical storm level. There was not one word of how what seems to be a major portion of the Northeastern coast left in chaos. Before my internet popped open to the news so I could see the what’s up. I felt badly for those 11 people and after living through Big Bear’s one season in particular during this fire swore I would never evacuate again. Leaving was enough to cause heart failure and then hanging out in the Red Cross centers were no picnic – mostly because of my animals (my sons)- the dogs didn’t do so well either. Here I am already lost in how badly people have it right now and there is no easy fix that a badge will improve the lot. Knowing that this has taken place or not doesn’t change anything other than no prayers were given with pleads for their help.

I can’t fix it but in being so clueless on most anything that is going on n the world or in my own backyard, looking for work is another task that isn’t much fun. Too many trials and the paraphernalia that goes with it is getting awfully heavy. To be able to hand it over to the Lord and leave it there would be terrific experience to have. I just do not know how to. Seriously how do you do that? I have asked in my sweetest voice to my very best two-year old interpretation that can be mustered and yet when I walk away there it is sneaking up behind me and before I know it – it has passed me up and is awaiting at my door, smiling with a “Hey we missed you, so what took so long getting here” and I am stuck with it all.

Accepting then undertaking that this will be it generates some good times but only for so long. Don’t know if it’s because prior to this I was a work alcoholic. I have created out of thin air and few supplies two dolls for my grand baby and messed around with making some beaded bracelets – again only by what I have on hand because there is no funds for supplies. The book is not happening at all anymore. Seems so pointless and what I toiled at though not so well was here on this blog is sporadic. Thankfully I have my daily walks to get me through! They have been deeply therapeutic and it does come with some health benefits, always a good thing. 🙂

So last night I was trying to be creative, wanting find the right button to change all of this, it has got to change before my mind falls out from lack of interests. I searched Career Builders job lists, made notes to hit up the library for the applications and then went over to the dangerous and be aware of jobs on Craig Lists posts. These are without a doubt good reads and once in a blue moon will be some legit positions but its a bowl full of fish on which one is the true question. While there had this extra freakish thought of placing an ad on finding people. Thought since I don’t do well at churches, or any kind of group maybe there is another person who has the same problem. I looked to see what others were writing, they actually did have a section for platonic relations. Well that was up my alley! To meet someone and not have sex with them is about all I can handle right now. I don’t care if the person is man or woman when it comes to having conversations and someone to hang out with. Placing an ad in the women’s sections might imply I want more than friendship and in the men’s section well more of the same. In both sections and even in the platonic line is desperation. Sorry but it could be.

Having no job, no computer, no cable, no friends with in my sad cars’ reach and no funds, yes it’s desperation time! Naturally I did some checking out what people wrote in there, oh that was an experience. One thing on being naive is I didn’t read the m4m, w4w, m4w, w4m codes at all. Why would I when it says looking for platonic friendships?  One ad read that he was actually desperate and ready to jump, this was written in the title. I saw that he was only 30, pretty young to give up and then he wrote that he had been raped in 08 and then was diagnosed with HIV. To be honest I didn’t know this ad was by a man until after I had sent an email, not that it makes any difference, my concerns was on this person thinking about jumping, so I offered an ear. Didn’t know what else to give this poor soul. I don’t have anything else to give. I sent off my reply like I said and think I will never hear back one he did have m4m so with hopes he has been receiving replies by those he had hoped for and would know better than I exactly what he’s facing.

I may not have been raped per-say have been through a lot in this 54 years, doesn’t mean I am fit for offering guidance is all. I just wonder how many are out there that feel so alone, so at the end of their ropes they feel there are no hope for their lives to turn around? I have to admit it is getting that close for me and I am not talking about the personal belongings that I no longer have possession of. I am speaking about finding a mentor to guide the next step, the friendly voice on the other side of the phone,  pillow or sofa. At least when I had Riley here felt a purpose, inevitably  so was my hot flashes that were running rampant. Life is never balanced for convenience – good ole Murphy is always there to strike!

There is always Christ to lean on of course and His word but think we are the ones to make people feel His presence. Maybe and of course as usual have it wrong but I know I need to find something that will fill the void and like many people out there with life that is so busy and difficult that it’s hard to not get bruised and be dented for life by it. The demands even being unemployed and out of the loop are still there strangling, forcing many to have their face to the floor and to fix it can take an action as small as greeting one another with a warm smile while standing in the grocery lines, the gas stations, the person  handing over the happy meal could use your patience and kind greetings, they work hard for very little while they have made our day easier by not having to deal with dinner or lunch, what ever time it is showing up for fast food, sit down meal in the restaurants and the school teacher with an overloaded classroom, the nurses in attendances in the E.R, where ever we meet people, we could  together change the hearts of the ones who are vexed with dissolution and so thwarted that they feel it is hopeless.

I know I do believe in Christ and some do not – does it really matter when we try to make the day better for ourselves that it should start by making another person’s day be a tad brighter first? Think it does help seeing Christ and listening to his word than to be reading my ramblings to understand the drift of what I am getting at.

John 13:34-35ESV

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

 

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