A sliver twinkled from the cold darkness. At first I could see but felt there was something about to happen. A change grew to spite a bleak environment. In looking around nothing had really been fixed. No serious alterations came through. Plans made, fell out to be replaced with new brighter choices. Yet the year is coming to a close and the new approaching year is filled with promise.
How do I know? Couldn’t it end up like all the rest, more of the same?
Sometimes it just seems that way, doesn’t it? Then drilling deeper and jotting down notes on what transpired over this past year . There were indeed things that has been brought in that wasn’t there before. Take for instance Riley my grand child.
She was born April 9th 2011 ear marking 2011 as my graduation from just parent, mom to grandma. Now I am a part of something that I couldn’t be a part of before. Grand parents – the grandest of parenthood. Now formally renamed “Nana” because grandma is still a hard pill to swallow. To think that I am now that old, grieves me as much as it thrills. Main difference from 2011 to 2012 was largely by not only has she gone from unable to crawl, cooing, to walking now sprinting at great speeds all the time talking in the mist of it I was around her most of 2012. So I have been treading beside a two-year old’s walk into life, she’s educating this one as much if not more than what comes from me to her. What comes foremost in an area that is not user or friendly to be taught by any standards – patience which is made tougher coming from a pint size instructor. Then there are the “Yucks”, “ickies” and how much water can the bathroom floor handle.
Outside learning by the formative years of a two-year old had hoped by now to have a greater hold on living through faith. My hard knocks has made me quite hard-headed. Age isn’t always kind or so forgiving as the joints remind during these chilly days. Ha the youth never did I listen to take of yourself. My mind can travel very fast to the when I was so sure of myself and did take a slight caution in moisturizing by the globbs because of seeing on people’s wrinkles. I smeared it with extra care after sunny make that baking with baby oil, olive oil and I would have used motor oil if was known for getting that perfect California golden tan.
On coming back to this day and time my skins shows off all those fun days lying by the pool. Knees sore from running down grassy knolls with nothing but cardboard between me and it. Motor cycles slides, spills on snowy slopes and I would do it all again! Adding more danger if I could.
instead of reckless endangerment finding new lines for getting into life. Living it is the new goal in my youth which I just did what was in me as the foolish young people do. Today is safety first, walking tapping therapy are helping. Naturally the follow-up is with praises which still needs work. Sandy foundations are a b#*#h to get out from so here I am I am still living with sand in my drawers, shoes and mind. News like the past couple weeks rocks my boats and I am terrified of water and won’t think of trying to even to attempt at walking on it.
Normally this lamb isn’t an angry person and I couldn’t control how pissed my mood was! Tapping until wrist were tired of it, top of my head sounded hollow in reciting ” be still know He is God” Would have gone for something newer, fresher to inspire if I could earnestly feel it but I couldn’t. I still have trouble like with all else that comes to living and walking my faith is doing it when you don’t feel up to it. Or for the matter of understanding what exactly is it by the gift of the “Holy Spirit” is. When it comes to reading scriptures, so lost am I that it is anything but relaxing or instructional. I am very frustrated, annoyed and plain disheartened by it. Then I wonder if my life as if I have an overly stimulated imagination. Like a kids on Saturday watching cartoon and expecting things to happen in that manner but He is God no matter how I feel no matter what I think, expect to see or from what anyone says or believes, so I stayed with it.
In some of my extreme trials and working out ways to get out did plant an ad on Craigslist, did get a couple of replies. Interesting but ended up being zero true responses that were directed towards the aim – someone to coauthor a script. I am still having trouble with the meaning of platonic, does everything have to be doubled sided in definition? Could be that my age is talking again.
Other extreme which have been searches for creating a better way have been looking into a communal type of living. Still holding a strike enough to be lighting a candle. My drawing in factor comes with a love for no longer being a solo lifestyle. Working together in growing organic produce. Yummy would those tomatoes be. I alone didn’t do so well and the few which grew out from the blossoms were so tasty worms dove for them. Out of my seeds for basils, onions, lettuce, zucchini, corn so on because they the pests ate it before me. Zucchini one vegetable people force on to others barely had enough for me. My paltry offer for the group is in cooking, cleaning and help skills other than that don’t have much else on the plate to give.
Well this moved on to checking into becoming a nun. Yes the madness of stress knowing only a few days left before I could be facing life on the streets ( still no job not even an interview.) More examines in what I have to offer, same as commune the thing – elbow grease, heart to want help, how just don’t know but if you point to a project would jump in to it.
You know there are two things which makes it hard for be to make this move. No it’s not celibacy as with many areas love life sucks. Hate that pill of not finding one decent man to share dreams with but no it hasn’t been in the cards handed out. So as much as I loath this dealing I’m stuck with have to press on anyways. Music isn’t a hold back either because I would sneak one way or another an mp3 player with headphones to listen under the covers of night. The problem comes from one need $299 to declared bankruptcy caused by being unemployed and this next part is a hold up but not a deal breaker just yet.
See if you read and listen to conspiracies and their theories they say the Catholic church is in trouble. My problem is as a child growing up in the church my belief’s until mid to late forties as I feel were healthier towards God. I feared him. I couldn’t walk into the parish without feeling remorse looking up onto the larger than life Jesus on the cross.
What changed in way that actually have been erased until this years was this. See around the time of my three sons in or coming to teenage years I was drowning as a parent. A job that may sound harsh and even sad never wanted. I knew I didn’t have the strength to pull it off but what choices were there? Abortion and live in hell later? By their teenage years I was living in what felt like hell. As much as I didn’t want the job took it seriously, didn’t party, date until they were older because it meant taking more time away from them that my job was taking too much already. So a neighbor kept telling me about God and her church. Customers came in that were from her church. They looked happy. Children looked happy.
To this very day I am confused and hating how I hold on to this belief that He would answer prayers. As a Catholic never conceived asking God! He is God not the janitor, or the babysitter, banker nor does he do maintenance work. He is God, He is doing things that are beyond our abilities to understand. For Jesus He is the Christ and he did his job and will again when I come for judgement. It all makes so much sense to me. Simple terms these other are like fairy tales. I needed and would still give my left ear for a husband,and my boys needed a father. If they had been granted a solid and good male figure in their lives how much better they would be today and we went without and still paying a painful price. I get that I blew it in the beginning and ended up marrying a cold man without feeling and yet like a mad woman cling to desire of being not only heard but answered. Not an answer of no which is clearly what came. At times feel as though I should have prayed for an airplane. I didn’t and don’t need an airplane, so there is no bitter disappointment for being what feels like ignored. Sure it wasn’t ignored just a flat out no. I don’t like my answer to this day.
What is seems is I need to be immersed in what was held inside of me for so long back in the day. I can’t keep my thought rewired as I had and have hopes for. I work on it but I think that the hard part of not just being a Christian, think it comes from living with any kind of faith it all goes against the grain of thoughts, habits and in general normal living. This might explain on why when it comes to stumbling it all – the bad – rushes to the surfaces before you can scream”stop” That would mean if I went in for becoming a Buddhist, or studying Tao, Islamic whatever even an atheist has trouble – like they say there are no atheists in fox holes. I firmly believe that is true but the point here is I would still have these types of troubles to deal with. Faith is clearly a non-stop honing work.
In this past weeks with everything I just don’t know about me and religion, living so well and strong with faith and though there are these to be worked out kind of like the idea of being a nun. Have to give up Riley my two-year old grand child, maybe her parents will take their rules more seriously. Fear does pop into mind, my son needed a father to teach him, doesn’t listen so well to mom never has really so now it isn’t a new thing. Her mom loves to party – the good life they have been sold so well but scares me because that mean whoever and whatever has a greater chance of harming Riley. Proper balance is what is needed, and a good decision that doesn’t cause grief would be splendid.
However the reasons on why the theories about the Catholic church are not bigger hold back is I do believe the Lord has his people in all places. Don’t like the idea or the policies that hold back the woman’s roles in the church nor am I against abortion. It’s not that I am for it just prefer free choise because one day that choice could be turned around and you don’t have a choice on having children at all. Look at China so it’s not far-fetched. My question is does helping those less fortunate worth more than these issues? Seem to think so but it is as far out of reach for the time being because of the debts owed.
Now that I have gone a little too long, boring too many the twinkling is just this. January 3rd I will be meeting up with someone with whom there is hope could turn in to my script project. See I get these awesome energy with ideas but no one to help get it off the ground. It’s either I don’t have the talent, always money and connections do ease things along. But I have always wanted to do something not as a solo act but one that gets many involved in creating. You know the rush that comes from bring a life out from nothing. Like the cooks they see some choices of ingredients and turn those packages and bundles into an awesomely delightful meal. I love to cook! I was given not one but three boys who hate it! I cried a lot. It still makes me cry to think there is no one to cook for. As a kid my step-father was a musician and he and his music friends would work so long and hard on a tune and every minute of it they enjoyed it. They got frustrated but it was a good frustration because they stuck together in working it out and this is what I want and with a whole lot of hope it could be what is in stored for 2013.
Since I never know when I am back again – wishing for all to have a joyous Christmas and a very grand and happy New Years!