Archive | December 2012

Sights found in the rearview mirror

imagesCAFE2SVGIt could be a vital part that takes place when it comes to a close of a year. A tradition of thinking and thinking. So it is with me and I am still heading down the wrong road in looking just too much at the past.  My rear mirror shows off just too much to take and the mistakes – oh good grief so plentiful! It’s not so much today in dredging through by looking into the rear just to fix my present situation because it is clearly at a point that only prayers can be of use as reminded in today’s post by Mustard Seed Budget. The post “Less than two and half men” made the point whether I liked it or not but I knew that this was going to be the only way.

Even though it has been known all along but it can be so hard waiting – almost seems in vain like the old Bob Marley tune. As much as I enjoy the tune and know in the heart of the what “real” job I should be performing to the best of my abilities. Better than when I was a worker then I made sure it was to the very best, Then when the mood didn’t strike me to work so hard would bring out a mental the note that contained instructions for how all our work is to be for the Lord. In praising him just don’t know why I falter but it is weak.

This isn’t really the subject for me to work out it is brought about by the book mentioned in ways yesterday and it was scooped up and has taken flight by another poster and their article. Better explain that I haven’t read beyond the title. It is about a young girl selling her virginity for charity of all things. I will admit in the past have sold all kinds of things and have given some thoughts to what else can be sold – like my voice for phone sex operator. Silly I know but I am desperate but to have to actually listen to the other end of the line – just really do not want that much information about a person even if it means keeping a roof over my head. This lamb has seen what can happen just delivering pizzas can you imagine when they are paying you to hear their deep dark secret desires. Eeugh makes me shake my head with grossness.

To give away such an important key to who you are is amazing for money of all things. Charity really? Think it really is a point that the world feels we are nothing if we aren’t famous. Nonsense then this lamb thinks back to when she lost her own jewel in innocence and it gets confusing. The door had been tripped when I wasn’t quite in first grade. My mother would go visit the neighbors and their sons teenage sons would watch my sister and I. They loved to play the game hide and seek and you can image what happened when I hid.

Then at thirteen it was the sexual revolution my step father gave me the sex talk and made it seem perfectly okay just use this condom. It was all weird I wasn’t comfortable with the talk but when I reached fifteen that okay came into mind so loud and strongly so that was the age I formally gave it away. In the years haven’t thought too much about any of the situations not the one at 5 when others spoke of their horrors. It didn’t line up with theirs so mine didn’t feel so bad and its better to keep it a secret never did I tell a soul until maybe 2 years ago then no details ever have been given out and I won’t – not here either. It’s not important really it’s just that I did want to have been with only one person a husband in my life that wasn’t the case. I haven’t been with as many as so many other women but it has been too many that I cared for. So it galls me to think girls are not thinking clearly as they give it away to any one. I know this is true because I have seen it over and over and it seems to increase as time go by.

Why is it after all the revolution of women trying to explain we are worth more than meeting mens sexual needs are these young things thinking they are supposed to be giving it away? The boys too don’t seem to value their own bodies and they really don’t understand that sex doesn’t equal love or happiness.

The Lord says we are made for so much more and the world declares we are nothing without sex and fame and if it takes one to get the other that is just alright. Makes you wonder how weird and so far off track the world has gotten and it’s so damaging isn’t it?

For a long time I hadn’t measure the cost in those decisions, there was always no escaping the powerful effect it had over me. It pains me to think of what these girls are going to go through when and prayerfully wake up and I do hope they do. Not for the pain to begin but for the healing that will follow so that the cycle can be broken.

Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

                                                                                —1 Corinthians 12:27
Bible verses taken from



Speaking to myself

imagesCA3CC5A9It can be so hard making the right decisions for me this lost lamb. I want so much for this time to not be an error in judgement like it has been done too many times before. Countless times have the dreams been dashed and for what was hoped to be apart of this life and this was mostly done by doing what I felt was expected. I had listened to those who seem to have made more prosperous choices. They reside in nicer homes, drive a heck of a lot better vehicles and they can pay their bills except for those that squandered their funds. But it seems even those choices for work and in other areas were not meant to be for me, but where do I go now?

A friend who has far more problem than I offered me her place to go to. Cool offer really but she lives with an abusive man, not a good choice is it? I would if I  could help her out from it but I know what it will be. See he’s not physically abusive he’s a tyrant mentally and I am not strong enough to block it. I know in the end what ever suffering I am under now would be maximised by him either I’s be in jail for hitting upside the head with a cast iron pan or I would be like her shrunken further into a mouse. I have offered this friend my place – for one it’s a lot cheaper – so much cheaper than her place but she has hee’d and hawed until now I can no longer bring it up. She won’t leave him she won’t leave the area, never has and never will. Too many strong ties to town she’s in. So in that offer no it is not a good decision to be made.

In a lot of ways understand her not wanting to be alone – such a heavy price living alone. You give up a ton of stuff but with my pride just cannot allow someone to beat me down like that. Just like the last guy I had dated for over close to two years. He wasn’t like her man but he would make dates for only when it suited him which was about once a week barring whatever happened with his teenage daughters. Not including me was like a slap in the face after a while. So though it had taken years to find someone to remotely put up with this lamb tossed him out. Can’t say I didn’t try it was almost two years later but then as this time has gone by one thing that he did provide was a bit more confidence by just being able to say yes I am currently dating. Then I would declare he doesn’t seem to be interested in anything I am, not into gourmet foods, deaf so he couldn’t listen to music or go to movies, he clearly was sight deaf too because he didn’t read my emails or book and he didn’t want me around his children.

In the meantime my son who lives in Oakland has offered up his place. So awesome isn’t it? I would have to give up my pets. It always breaks down to giving up my animals. It seems overtime when a problem arises everyone wants me to give up my dogs. For one thing I have an old Chloe she’s part pit no one will take her outside the very fact I love her very much. She’s the one some monster had tossed out from a moving car after shooting her in the head with a BB gun. She’s kind and so sweet and gentle in nature. Riley the  two-year old is constantly hitting her in which I do scold her vehemently but Chloe lays there looking up for help or just sleeps. She is solid like a pit so it does take quite a whack to hurt her but I still try my best to train Riley it’s a no-no. Then there’s the two younger dogs Daphne and Lou. Daphne only loves me – she doesn’t take to anyone else. She’s good with Riley mainly because Riley shares her food a little too well. Lou is Lou he could do well in another home except I do love this dog just like I adore the others. I actually kind of like the fact that Daphne only loves me. Selfish I know but after so many men who could care a less about me and the friends who are busy with their lives, spouses and family these three are always waiting and happy to see this lamb.

Not giving up just yet working on other ways – the script that will soon with hope begin will help way down the line just got to find faith in work lining up soon,  guess I better work a little further on my decision tree. So hard to do the right thing isn’t it at times?

So on Christmas Eve and day reread a book – a story book and I don’t think I had finished it before. It looked new on the shelf – I tend to be harsh to books bending them back so if they do fall will always find my place again because it so coolly reopens to where I left off. This one had none of that but I remembered after a short time a character in the story. He sounded so much like my boys made it easy but I had no memory of much else. I read it non-stop had nothing else to do. I made pistachio chocolate chip cupcakes with a sour cream frosting topped with trail mix they were delicious – planned on leaving them with neighbors and they had the good fortune of leaving town for the holiday. Even the crazy one was gone.

The story was interesting even when I wasn’t in a preachy mood – wasn’t doom and gloom but pretty much hopeless. At the end they summed up the part I have trouble with – acting out when you do not feel in faith. See I kind of feel that if I am faking it and sooner or later it is found out – kind of hurts to know someone really doesn’t feel that way about you. You know? It’s not that I don’t care about God that is not the problem. I care very deeply about our Lord and His Son Jesus Christ. What I don’t get is what people say they feel the Holy Spirit, they can hear them speaking with them. I hear nothing and feel even less, and this being such a downer for me. I feel left out and a lot like when I was dating – so left out. But at any rate one of the people had endured a terrible hardship and she spent the year just going through the motions and then one day someone came it and said wonderful things. I cried at the end, it was a tear jerker for sure. So I guess I can hold on longer going through the motions and maybe one day it will not feel like an act. Maybe just speaking to myself is all that is needed for now, it seems to be about all that I can do – talk myself through it with a ton of prayers, maybe then they will get to become more effective too.


Romans 12:12 – Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;



bible verse found on


Unusual Boundaries

87794199There is something magical that happens when writing a blog. Don’t know why it happens but it does when you least expect it. It doesn’t even seem to matter if anyone has read these carefully chosen words or that you are trying to communicate deep down thoughts, fears, desires or even a humorous story. All that seems to be needed for this brush with intimacy of magic is your heart tucked inside its unusual boundaries.

One of the things I love to play with on a computer is in the word program. I tinker with borders, playing with paper appearance which is  spending more time that what is really needed before beginning the actual task of writing. Dolling up that backlight screen from its boring stark white to unimagined spectacle can be so much fun. Here I can’t do that but once the writing is done it can be a blast searching for the perfect clip art to explain what is the motive in trying to bring ideas to the surface.

Lately this lamb has been missing out on that part. My thrill in recklessly looking for random pics if there is time allowed is shortened. My writing has left too many typos because of not enough time allowed for proper proof reading. All of this I miss outlining plans, basking in the creation process to communicate.  Even with these hit and misses of subjects and overall effect on others there has been times of receiving an unexpected balm in the healing by sending words out into the open wide blue spaces.

The experience can also be an nervous act in getting undressed to room full of people. Scary, humiliating situation. Being so exposed is inhibiting. Then you look around and they too are down to their skivvies and you can see that no one is looking at your flaws because they are worried about their own imperfections and ashamed. A bond has somewhere in this crazy world formed whether we want it to or not. We may not agree with each others  topics, like how it is said but the subjects can and are so personal but that is the ticket isn’t it? Blogging is the only time we can be so true to ourselves that kind of personal.

I would love one day to move from writing about me in these 100 posts (just saw the number my gosh didn’t think it would be made but here I am blogging for the 100th time ) anyways wished I had moved towards a more opened avenue in interests but for now find hope just in having just this little space to be the only thing I know – being me.

            Matthew 2:10 When they saw the star, they rejoiced  exceedingly with great joy.

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A twinkling

imagesA sliver twinkled from the cold darkness. At first I could see but felt there was something about to happen. A change grew to spite a bleak environment. In looking around nothing had really been fixed. No serious alterations came through. Plans made, fell out to be replaced with new brighter choices. Yet the year is coming to a close and the new approaching year is filled with promise.

How do I know? Couldn’t it end up like all the rest, more of the same?

Sometimes it just seems that way, doesn’t it? Then drilling deeper and jotting down notes on what transpired over this past year . There were indeed things that has been brought in that wasn’t there before. Take for instance Riley my grand child.

She was born April 9th 2011 ear marking 2011 as my graduation from just parent, mom to grandma. Now I am a part of something that I couldn’t be a part of before. Grand parents – the grandest of parenthood. Now formally renamed “Nana” because grandma is still a hard pill to swallow. To think that I am now that old, grieves me as much as it thrills. Main difference from 2011 to 2012 was largely by not only has she gone from unable to crawl, cooing, to walking now sprinting at great speeds all the time talking in the mist of it I was around her most of 2012. So I have been treading beside a two-year old’s walk into life, she’s educating this one as much if not more than what comes from me to her. What comes foremost in an area that is not user or friendly to be taught by any standards – patience which is made tougher coming from a pint size instructor. Then there are the “Yucks”, “ickies” and how much water can the bathroom floor handle.

Outside learning by the formative years of a two-year old had hoped by now to have a greater hold on living through faith. My hard knocks has made me quite hard-headed. Age isn’t always kind or so forgiving as the joints remind during these chilly days. Ha the youth never did I listen to take of yourself. My mind can travel very fast to the when I was so sure of myself and did take a slight caution in moisturizing by the globbs because of seeing on people’s  wrinkles. I smeared it with extra care after sunny make that baking with baby oil, olive oil and I would have used motor oil if was known for getting that perfect California golden tan.

On coming back to this day and time my skins shows off all those fun days lying by the pool. Knees sore from running down grassy knolls with nothing but cardboard between me and it. Motor cycles slides, spills on snowy slopes and I would do it all again! Adding more danger if I could.

instead of reckless endangerment finding new lines for getting into life. Living it is the new goal in my youth which I just did what was in me as the foolish young people do. Today is safety first, walking tapping therapy are helping. Naturally the follow-up is with praises which still needs work. Sandy foundations are a b#*#h to get out from so here I am I am still living with sand in my drawers, shoes and mind. News like the past couple weeks rocks my boats and I am terrified of water and won’t think of trying to even to attempt at walking on it.

Normally this lamb isn’t an angry person and I couldn’t control how pissed my mood was! Tapping until wrist were tired of it, top of my head sounded hollow in reciting ” be still know He is God” Would have gone for something newer, fresher to inspire if I could earnestly feel it but I couldn’t. I still have trouble like with all else that comes to living and walking my faith is doing it when you don’t feel up to it. Or for the matter of understanding what exactly is it by the gift of the “Holy Spirit” is. When it comes to reading scriptures, so lost am I that it is anything but relaxing or instructional. I am very frustrated, annoyed and plain disheartened by it. Then I wonder if my life as if I have an overly stimulated imagination. Like a kids on Saturday watching cartoon and expecting things to happen in that manner but He is God no matter how I feel no matter what I think, expect to see or from what anyone says or believes, so I stayed with it.

In some of my extreme trials and working out ways to get out did plant an ad on Craigslist, did get a couple of replies. Interesting but ended up being zero true responses that were directed towards the aim – someone to coauthor a script. I am still having trouble with the meaning of platonic, does everything have to be doubled sided in definition? Could be that my age is talking again.

Other extreme which have been searches for creating a better way have been looking into a communal type of living. Still holding a strike enough to be lighting a candle. My drawing in factor comes with a love for no longer being a solo lifestyle. Working together in growing organic produce. Yummy would those tomatoes be. I alone didn’t do so well and the few which grew out from the blossoms were so tasty worms dove for them. Out of my seeds for basils, onions, lettuce, zucchini, corn so on because they the pests ate it before me. Zucchini one vegetable people force on to others barely had enough for me. My paltry offer for the group is in cooking, cleaning and help skills other than that don’t have much else on the plate to give.

Well this moved on to checking into becoming a nun. Yes the madness of stress knowing only a few days left before I could be facing life on the streets ( still no job not even an interview.) More examines in  what I have to offer, same as commune the thing  – elbow grease, heart to want help, how just don’t know but if you point to a project would jump in to it.

You know there are two things which makes it hard for be to make this move. No it’s not celibacy as with many areas love life sucks. Hate that pill of not finding one decent man to share dreams with but no it hasn’t been in the cards handed out. So as much as I loath this dealing I’m stuck with have to press on anyways. Music isn’t a hold back either because I would sneak one way or another an mp3 player with headphones to listen under the covers of night. The problem comes from one need $299 to declared bankruptcy caused by being unemployed and this next part is a hold up but not a deal breaker just yet.

See if you read and listen to conspiracies and their theories they say the Catholic church is in trouble. My problem is as a child growing up in the church my belief’s until mid to late forties as I feel were healthier towards God. I feared him. I couldn’t walk into the parish without feeling remorse looking up onto the larger than life Jesus on the cross.

What changed in way that actually have been erased until this years was this. See around the time of my three sons in or coming to teenage years I was drowning as a parent. A job that may sound harsh and even sad never wanted. I knew I didn’t have the strength to pull it off but what choices were there? Abortion and live in hell later? By their teenage years I was living in what felt like hell. As much as I didn’t want the job took it seriously, didn’t party, date until they were older because it meant taking more time away from them that my job was taking too much already. So a neighbor kept telling me about God and her church. Customers came in that were from her church. They looked happy. Children looked happy.

To this very day I am confused and hating how I hold on to this belief that He would answer prayers. As a Catholic never conceived asking God! He is God not the janitor, or the babysitter, banker nor does he do maintenance work. He is God, He is doing things that are beyond our abilities to understand. For Jesus He is the Christ and he did his job and will again when I come for judgement. It all makes so much sense to me. Simple terms these other are like fairy tales. I needed and would still give my left ear for a husband,and  my boys needed a father. If they had been granted a solid and good male figure in their lives how much better they would be today and we went without and still paying a painful price. I get that I blew it in the beginning and ended up marrying a cold man without feeling and yet like a mad woman cling to desire of being not only heard but answered. Not an answer of no which is clearly what came. At times feel as though I should have prayed for an airplane. I didn’t and don’t need an airplane, so there is no bitter disappointment for being what feels like ignored. Sure it wasn’t ignored just a flat out no. I don’t like my answer to this day.

What is seems is I need to be immersed in what was held inside of me for so long back in the day. I can’t keep my thought rewired as I had and have hopes for. I work on it but I think that the hard part of not just being a Christian, think it comes from living with any kind of faith it all goes against the grain of thoughts, habits and in general normal living. This might explain on why when it comes to stumbling  it all – the bad – rushes to the surfaces before you can scream”stop” That would mean if I went in for becoming a Buddhist, or studying Tao, Islamic whatever even an atheist has trouble – like they say there are no atheists in fox holes. I firmly believe that is true but the point here is I would still have these types of troubles to deal with. Faith is clearly a non-stop honing work.

In this past weeks with everything I just don’t know about me and religion, living so well and strong with faith and though there are these to be worked out kind of like the idea of being a nun. Have to give up Riley my two-year old grand child, maybe her parents will take their rules more seriously. Fear does pop into mind, my son needed a father to teach him, doesn’t listen so well to mom never has really so now it isn’t a new thing. Her mom loves to party – the good life they have been sold so well but scares me because that mean whoever and whatever has a greater chance of harming Riley. Proper balance is what is needed, and a good decision that doesn’t cause grief would be splendid.

However the reasons on why the theories about the Catholic church are not bigger hold back is I do believe the Lord has his people in all places. Don’t like the idea or the policies that hold back the woman’s roles in the church nor am I against abortion. It’s not that I am for it just prefer free choise because one day that choice could be turned around and you don’t have a choice on having children at all. Look at China so it’s not far-fetched. My question is does helping those less fortunate worth more than these issues? Seem to think so but it is as far out of reach for the time being because of the debts owed.

Now that I have gone a little too long, boring too many the twinkling is just this. January 3rd I will be meeting up with someone with whom there is hope could turn in to my script project. See I get these awesome energy with ideas but no one to help get it off the ground. It’s either I don’t have the talent, always money and connections do ease things along. But I have always wanted to do something not as a solo act but one that gets many involved in creating. You know the rush that comes from bring a life out from nothing. Like the cooks they see some choices of ingredients and turn those packages and bundles into an awesomely delightful meal. I love to cook! I was given not one but three boys who hate it! I cried a lot. It still makes me cry to think there is no one to cook for. As a kid my step-father was a musician and he and his music friends would work so long and hard on a tune and every minute of it they enjoyed it. They got frustrated but it was a good frustration because they stuck together in working it out and this is what I want and with a whole lot of hope it could be what is in stored for 2013.

Since I never know when I am back again – wishing for all to have a joyous Christmas and a very grand and happy New Years!

Lost Lamb








Ah a chance to speak about my hero

Words cannot say just how wonderful my ardent hero is. It just seems pointless to try to explain why this one is so special and dear to me. Foremost problem is that he would have taken a chance on me when so many wouldn’t. Hardly a person passes by to notice me back in the day this has been a continuing ever since. A shy person too short to be seen yet this man saw me standing all by myself.

To think if it weren’t for him don’t think to this very day I would still be here. I had gotten lost in the hills, so far off were I couldn’t find my bearings. Running out of food, shelter and precious life-giving water. So cold was it out there and the barren desolate hills. So dry rocks crumbled in my hands into a cornmeal texture. Everything that was touched crumbled. Birds that swarmed were big and scary not your friendly pretty little ones or the majestic eagles and falcon these were carnivorous  vultures.  Zeroing in on their prize made from me.

And then it came in softly slowly this voice leading me on, gentlest voice have I ever heard. Singing the finest tune of a piper, stringing me closer and closer. Fear did not follow had only from behind when every a peak over the shoulder happened so I stopped for a time in doing that. I still have to remember to not be doing that bad habits are hard to break. I walked for a while it was an immeasurable amount of distance between me and him who was coming up over the ridge. Chuckled for a spell looking like this dank desert had been transformed into the holy land. Needed precious water I made my feet move forward, not like I had a choice needed to be rescued and didn’t care who was doing the rescuing either but that song he was humming was so sweet in drawing me closer and closer. It moved into the heart filling this void like no other. Sometimes I really wish I could return to that time just to feel that moment when I set eyes on my hero. When I couldn’t get the attention of another soul in a large gathering this one person left his group and helped me back from this land that had shaped itself into dispar.

What did my hero look like coming up over that ridge?

“He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to Him,
nothing in His appearance that we should desire Him.” Isaiah 53:2

Yes it was the one who took up his cross so that I may be saved. Our Lord and Savor Jesus Christ

I may have trouble understanding all that he has done and why for someone such as me who can’t comprehend much of anything it doesn’t make him less of a hero to me if anything he is what makes up a hero. Imagine giving up your life so save sinful people like this lamb.



Tapping my way through therapy

Tap tap here tap-tap there a little there more here and yes I feel so much better today. It is like a heavily soaked veil has lifted away from me and it didn’t even hurt.

So what am I talking about?

Well last night there was an empty slot of time, too early for bed too late to take a hike with the packs of coyotes in the area so I snuggled up with my own set of pouches and the Nook to do a little  research for self-help books that they carry for this device. The cool thing is I can download samples. Not the same as browsing the aisle which is much more pleasurable but this can be awfully convenient. Plus my furry cuddlers were very pleased to have kept me nice and warm too. I sipped my honey laden tea and clicked on book titles.

That initial click was for a book about self-help and the cosmos. Now I had to give that a spin especially when it said it would be the last self-help I would ever need.  Titled “Lost in the Cosmos: The Last Self-Help Book” Here it declares confidence something that I am on the quest to find. Yes siree to gain that right to belong and it is by the author Walker Percy.

Well in those free pages were vastly interesting and it can be said to be absolutely truthful in how we know more about outer space than we do about ourselves. Don’t mean ourselves as a whole but you the person. I know nothing about me anymore. I can recall what were my past loves and dislikes but can’t put all the pieces together to get a clear picture of what that means. Like reading the synonyms for the word wallflower or the definition of it being a person who retreats mentally as said on Interesting and hope to investigate this book further. At the moment hard too with the money situation.

Next book was “The Get-Over-Yourself Self-Help and Other Essays” by Sylvia Shawcross. Opening was about putting this book together which had me do a ton of skipping for the time being and got to the meat and potatoes of the book. Well written naturally and I do have to admit more of my books lying around my home and would be more if they were handed out like  delicious candy are of this type. I collect spiritual, mental help so on.  One that had been forgotten until my recent mission began, discovered it too had been given aways “Women who run with the wolves” good book. Unusual but will keep you moving on to the next pages. Author is Clarissa Pinkola Estes, popular book a while back. For Sylvia Shawcross book, since I skipped over her creation of the book had only these couple of pages to work with. As I said well written, can’t say I know where it’s going to in self-help department. It wasn’t very expensive on Barnes and Noble so it will most likely be picked up to for a good read. It could end up being very helpful just hard to see at this point but the opening should provide lessons on writing and drafting a book so it has a double bonus to it all.

I had downloaded nearly eight book samples and I stopped on the third one “Five Simple Steps to Emotional Healing” The Last Self-Help Book You Will Ever Need” by Gloria Arenson MS. MFT. During my process of downloading  began to see a pattern of books stating this that they were the last book needed. If it weren’t in the title it was mention somewhere in explaining the contents. She happened to have placed a five and simple together making it seem like a breeze for healing. Oh that nibbled on my mind like having crossed the perfect pill to drop ten pounds painlessly. All I have to do is 5 easy steps and my emotions are all healed.

In reading the comments they gave it four out of five and said it was good in content, interesting, helpful just a touch hard to understand the method, her lesson is Meridian therapy. Hadn’t really heard much on it before. Had been aware of acupressure and the Chinese methods of balancing energies, didn’t know the name may have been what was missing. What she said in those few pages hit the nail on the head so to speak. I have felt in the last few months a blockage. No place to narrow down on just right where it was or what was causing this. I was dizzy, turns out my blood pressure meds cause dizziness so I had to deal with it because not taking those pills does take a toll. I know because I did try last week.

Have you ever read a few lines and knew that they were talking about what you couldn’t express? Gloria Arenson did and I am so glad that I had ran across her book last night. Will get the book how have no idea but since I didn’t have the thirteen dollars for her went to YouTube for further information on this. There are a number of videos explaining this process and one that was easy came from EFTalive titles How to do EFT Tapping therapy – EFT basic recipe.

It calming to listen to, it does take thirteen minutes to watch all the way through. Shorter than a book but it could all depend on your time if interested. What I can tell you is for four days my left ankle hurt badly. There was no way to place weight on it and walking it off wasn’t working.  Have no idea on what brought this on but today after trying it out last night and then this morning took my walk around the neighborhood. As for last night slept like a baby.

Rarely do I follow instructions verbatim what I had done late last night was after watching the video and duplicating his methods for about four or five times moved on by myself. I turned on soft piano music meant for meditating. Took deep breaths remembering a guru stating one of the things we do so poorly in life is that we do not breathe correctly. Had to agree with it knowing that under stress I tend to find that I am taking shortened breaths and not exhaling all the way out. So I listened to the music with very deep gulp of air and letting it all the way out then came the tapping.

Hard part is the phrases to be said in the process. They like it if you state a problem phrase example he used was ” I am afraid of the test tomorrow then follow it up with but I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself” emphasis on the second part. He rates it – on the start you find the number of how much fear or negative energy using a scale of 1 to 10. One thing that I did find by surprise and did like was his honestly in saying it works forty to fifty percent. He didn’t claim 100% then again this is the basic recipe like most things there are more to it and that is why I need to find out more on Gloria  Arenson’s book.

When this morning came around felt wonderful and still do for that matter. Did the process anyways, not realizing that my foot felt terrific. Turned on soft music this time Christmas O Holy Night with acoustic guitars. Very relaxing sounds came out from my nook device(hooked up to speakers) and went in for the breathing routine then began the tapping. What was different was this time – not following instructions felt that this was more an elaborate form of meditation except you have something to do other than trying to keep you mind wandering around. I cannot mediate my brain doesn’t shut up long enough to focus. Chanting alone got extremely bored. This wasn’t boring my mind was busy being coordinated in tapping and expressing a phrase and breathing it had no time to jot down notes for the grocery list or where did I place my reading glasses last night it was focused in.

Going off the grid went with this for a phrase “Begone you negativeness because the Lord is with me and loves me” taping long enough to verbally get it all out. My wrist was tapped then side of my hand moving up to the collar-bone, chin, under the nose. Felts good as it moved up to under my eye, side of eyes to the eyebrow then ending at the top of my head. Repeated it three times the length of the songs being played. Then I stood up for the next songs being played and stretched and breathed. By this time couldn’t even recall what I had been so negative about.

Today not only do I feel all that negative energy gone, my foot in good condition but it has a slimming effect too. Haven’t lost a pound but that darn heavy bulge seems have disappeared giving me that I just lost a good eight pounds overnight sensation.

I am sure what really worked was the time spent stating the phrases ” begone oh you negative energy” following with the affirming “that the Lord was with me and loves me” clearing my head, body and soul giving it a good house cleaning is most likely it but I intend to keep this up and once I got it under my belt plan on checking out that guys other website for finding that love when all else has failed. Humm..

My mission is off to a grand start don’t you think?


On a Mission

imagesWill you accept this mission and if so then it’s time to get serious, really truly shoveling up the crud, maybe the use of a scraper just whatever it takes to make this change over happen. How to get it under way is my puzzlement?

As I try to ponder this there is a resounding clock ticking off the last minutes, logging that  my unemployment is coming to an end. Which is the tail of loosely bound string for support in keeping this roof and food on the table kind of end. Worst of it is this too – my own hands created this! And that is why it has got to change and in a rapid manner. Nothing like a little fire under the seat of your pants to get a move along, hate to say this but it sure looks like I function better under duress.

Some maybe wondering on how this got to be my fault and as the distance of space moved along knew though I wanted it hidden beneath to never be yanked out and certainly didn’t want to admit to the poor dealings are simply this – I keep hanging my own self with my tongue. In this space of six months and after joining up with WordPress for the sole purpose as a place to be held accountable to and yes it all went out the window with the kaput of a necessary tool the computer.  Okay so the computer has something to do with this and as with all things it isn’t the right answer or blame. It was I in believing it was the hiccup in my plans.

Having no outlet simmered into a nasty unhealthy stew. It tasted horrid and still I ate from it, letting this drool fester in what little self esteem there was. Without faith in yourself it’s hard to write a dynamite cover letter. No positive vibes were sent out into the atmosphere. All this world got like it needed more because it’s doing just fine in producing it for itself was negative feeds from this lost lamb. Can’t say I didn’t work on it because I did give it every effort. Seriously I placed a smile on my face when it didn’t want to be there. Skimmed out the yucky thoughts, these are tough buggers too they do not like to relinquish their hold on you. My focus was moved up, or away from these that should be bypassed.

So it should have worked. It didn’t. Why?

I did place Jesus there whether I wanted to or not or more like felt like it or not. What has been missing is believing that this is all possible for me. I say the words Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savor then quietly settle back down into but I am not good enough mode. It doesn’t last longer than what can be said timeline.

Whether I believe in Him or not it’s as straightforwards in fact that if we don’t believe in ourselves then who will? I lived or live in both worlds -depending on whose idea of worlds.

Been working on changing my thought process, feels closer to my acts as dappling instead of actual product producing efforts because it isn’t working. For the last month or more my time in exercise has given out, every single thing that I do has been given up. A lot of what has been done ended up being garbage anyways. So I focused on that part instead of recognizing that it was done by me, and it’s not my fault it wasn’t well received. This is part that really has to be dealt with and it was given in the early days of postings – wanting or needing acceptance.

So hard to get around that emotion – wanting to be needed. It is a need not a want to be touched, held, people who want to be around you, laughing, joking listening to as much as being listened too. My birds get frustrated if they are neglected for too long, even the two snakes skulk in the corners of their tank and the birds oh how they scream and holler until they get what they need from me. So should I have to live with less?

I don’t is the answer but what needs to be done is an overhaul. I would love to ask God for this to come about and will do but I must make this happen. Just how do you remold yourself from a shy introvert to a self confident individual? I looked up what is another word for wallflower and found narcissist. Pretty cool sounding word until you double check the meaning. Just wish I was really that interesting to warrant the intriguing label, luckily and do hope that my behavior doesn’t make others feel bad about themselves. I have in the past I say past because in the last six months haven’t faced people, other than my grand child, my one son and at that first part of the six month hiatus my brother did take major stridesto make people feel good about themselves.

All except for my brother I did make him feel bad, had to tell him that there was no way no matter how interesting could hear another word about the end of the world. Gees when your facing the bottom of the barrel you really don’t want to hear how that will drop out too 24/7 days a week. I did try to be nice but in the end it didn’t go well.

Maybe for the moment it feels hopeless, it sounds insane and it has got to be done, this mission of revamping a long lost lamb.

For one thing that could be fun is taking up the skill of thievery at stealing laptops. It’s also a good way to get those heart muscles pumping in the act of mischief. No I have no intention of spending the Christmas holiday locked up though it could help out my roof and food issues. If it weren’t for hearing about how they give you a packet of ramen noodles. Yes just the package, the kids said they opened them up pour water from the gross tap and sat on it to get the noodles soft. Then there was jail house top ramen. Don’t even want to know what that is. When I did ask he flat out told me never mind and I am still wondering how you sit on an opened package without the water content leaking out. Guess I lack the imagination for it.

The computer is to keep looking for work with also seeking out those for hire signs, rarely but they do pop up. Mission is to log in what I have done to fix my problems. Working with only myself as I have done, doesn’t provide enough reasons to keep moving on. You know you wake up after a bad night of sleep – it’s always the hot flashes or the nightmares – so I announce to no one just too tired and slip into some hobby like making Riley safe Christmas ornaments. It was fun until I got them up on the tree and my kitty thought they were awesome. He loved those snowmen and stars. Couldn’t keep his paws off. If I measured success on that reaction I am set for life! He digs those ornaments. My tree suffers for it. Now they those snowmen are hung high in a window and my tree has only ribbons dangling one third of the way exposing it’s nakedness the rest of the way down. Only wish I could put a picture of it on here. Cat smiling laying under it’s giants gift and my tree shuddering and waiting the next attack. He hasn’t given up so shouldn’t I. Right?


B53C8DBE353E49F2BF82DB0913DBD65CMoses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.” (Exodus 14:13)







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