My plans are to stay on it this round unlike the past where I hopped off by not being able to cope with what rarely crossed my mind living like a “so-called” heathen. Never felt that way you know? Sure there were loads of trouble and some really awesome days too. What I liked and still do is it was just life, there nothing more to it and certainly was attached to errors unless I mis-read my check book and bounced a check. Naturally it was me that caused that dilemma and it was a crisis. Now when stuff happens on instinct run to the Lord asking and demanding at times why is He picking on me! I do not like this yet it won’t go away.
Just the other day got in the mood to throw together an apple pie – like I need those calories but what the hey it is a grueling job looking for work so much so it leaves me with too much empty space to fill in. So there happened to be a couple of apples that needed to be dealt with soon or they would be too mealy for my taste. I pulled out my cool clay dish perfect for baking, heavy ceramic and clay with a 70’s glaze over it – these were acquired back when I had a job but one with a decent ringtone to the name. Ah to say designer’s assistant once again but no that is a thing or should I state it as a blast from the past. Oh to see those days again, working and being creative – ahh the good life. Sure it didn’t pay all the bills but it did pay most – all if I didn’t grab lunch out. Then there was my second job at that time and with the two I was set. Worked long hours, leaving the house at 7 am returning at 3 am 4 to 5 days a week. Yeah I got pretty tired but it was worth it and after these few month would do it again. Being unemployed is the worst kind of work there is.
Instead a hand of mine was peeling an exquisite Granny Smith, a crisp tart apple with impeccable skill mind not so gifted had (and still is just without an apple) was rifling through the past twelve months. You know kind of like when you are digging for a special recipe in the index card holder except for mine is loaded down with failures that run longer than the curl in my apple’s green outer wear.
Rolling down the line avoiding an emotional break down by keeping busy as I flodder over that time during the trial of not having been able to go to my son in Oregon, he is just fine today, out of the wheel chair still has crutches and his friends who I was worried would fade away didn’t. No one wants to do that but life is rough and messy to take one someone else’s issues and my son had to stay at a friends because his house hallway are too narrow for wheelchairs. My hand halted knew we had both survived, scars on him flesh deep, for me went close to the core. Which reminded me to watch it, if I cut too deep there won’t be enough apple left to made the mini pie and if I want which I did one strip over zillions of little apple skins on the table then must proceed with caution. It seems to never go over so well these instructions for myself, there I guess crave having shaving tumbling all over making a mess.
My thin paring blade against this juicy apple slices for another go around. Coming around a curve spiraling back into spring losing that secured position with the government….hum a slip up with the sharp metal yikes but didn’t draw blood nor was the winding snake cropped too soon either. So trying to not keep harping on this subject! Even now I want to jump up and down with screaming rage but it won’t do any good and the headache afterwards not worth it. I know because have given it a go. Can’t even say it blew off pressure.
But with a big BUT my EDD will end Dec 23rd even though techically have time left but from no actions by my outpouring of resumes for work from what I was before it hit the fan an assistant to working behind the counter at service stations – beggars can’t be choosy any more. I tried believe me there was effort to stay on course with the apple peel, hand slips over these kinds of thoughts, moving on to what else?
The concern – survival. My eyes glide over the crispness of the apple in hand and wonder what it could be like to be homeless in winter, a little reconciliation not so much for the better because think I could have lots of company. Saw a sign looking for home for families. Wishing mine was fit to provide but it’s not.
Hand’s careful peeling is taking its toll thinking about the hardships, being re-raked over hot coals not only hurts but makes the peeling very troublesome. Humm oh how can one resolve these times? Go back to The Lord’s words?
This is supposed to help; why hasn’t it?
It almost feels like there is a ritual one must go through to get the message but of course there isn’t just my warped perception so I dig back to my own angel’s face Riley all the first encounters she had come across all year. On this I cut in deeper into the meat in the apple, laughing at her silliness and all the words she is learning to say. Like her “stop that you are making me crazy” “You stay I go” “Shushy Doodles” (my dog and yes she barks too much) First two lines come from Iron Giant she loves that movie and at this moment if I ever see The Little Drummer Boy again it will be too soon. She calls the character Aaron “her boy” and has watched it at least 20 times. I got it on video – can you believe I have a VCR that still works? Well it’s a good thing because it’s one of the few things that are in this house and she knows how to turn that video on. 2 years old mine you.
A little more chuckling on this part of the peeling, both her parents are players and now they have a 2 years old daughter who is showing clear signs of being a little boy crazy. Already picked up she tends to watch the boys at the park more than the girls and she has flirted with a couple at Starbucks. Clearly this was when I was an upstanding citizen.
My other divisions in the index file is the tried and failed which means ideas that I have come up with that are brilliant at conception, fizzles out by not getting them off the ground. Usually this is because of lack of funds. At the heart of it is not having enough moral support. This is a tough peel to crack and oogh it hurts.
Failures are par for the course in life. I can get that what I would love to have which is never been the case support, someone to offer encouragement when the road gets hard. Like the other day had spoken about it here – placing an ad on Craigslist. So I did. Excited as I typed up my aS, stuck it into two cities. You know broaden my horizons and reach out to more people. Ad is for a partner.
See I have this notion that would make into a terrific movie. All I need is someone who can write, clearly I can’t and never have written a movie screenplay before. But I do know this movie would sell. Not too many things that I know, such as understanding the Lord’s ways and dearly being able to grab a hold of hearing His guidance. I must be the dunst sitting the corner missing out. But when it comes to music and movies can predict what will sell and this one will.
For the last 5 days every morning check the Nook for emails. Nothing unless I count the one offering a threesome or the one stating I need to pay upfront. I typed out on a Nook which took too long – think of it like starting a rock band, they do not get paid unless they sign a deal and sell. Didn’t add that it takes that band 3 cd’s before they actually make any money, even when it’s a hit because they do not get it. When on the road they think the record company is picking up the tabs. Nah! They are. I know about the music biz just not much about life. So there’s another card added to the dex, always with hopes it can be pulled out and worked on again.
I don’t like the peeling and coming into the holidays doesn’t help much. Thankfully two years old’s don’t know about gifts and she is learning about Santa Claus and Christmas lights and she loves “her boy” not that she gets it when I explain that baby is Jesus one day will come and she will get it because though its hard plan to stay on course, despite grumpling.