Will you accept this mission and if so then it’s time to get serious, really truly shoveling up the crud, maybe the use of a scraper just whatever it takes to make this change over happen. How to get it under way is my puzzlement?
As I try to ponder this there is a resounding clock ticking off the last minutes, logging that my unemployment is coming to an end. Which is the tail of loosely bound string for support in keeping this roof and food on the table kind of end. Worst of it is this too – my own hands created this! And that is why it has got to change and in a rapid manner. Nothing like a little fire under the seat of your pants to get a move along, hate to say this but it sure looks like I function better under duress.
Some maybe wondering on how this got to be my fault and as the distance of space moved along knew though I wanted it hidden beneath to never be yanked out and certainly didn’t want to admit to the poor dealings are simply this – I keep hanging my own self with my tongue. In this space of six months and after joining up with WordPress for the sole purpose as a place to be held accountable to and yes it all went out the window with the kaput of a necessary tool the computer. Okay so the computer has something to do with this and as with all things it isn’t the right answer or blame. It was I in believing it was the hiccup in my plans.
Having no outlet simmered into a nasty unhealthy stew. It tasted horrid and still I ate from it, letting this drool fester in what little self esteem there was. Without faith in yourself it’s hard to write a dynamite cover letter. No positive vibes were sent out into the atmosphere. All this world got like it needed more because it’s doing just fine in producing it for itself was negative feeds from this lost lamb. Can’t say I didn’t work on it because I did give it every effort. Seriously I placed a smile on my face when it didn’t want to be there. Skimmed out the yucky thoughts, these are tough buggers too they do not like to relinquish their hold on you. My focus was moved up, or away from these that should be bypassed.
So it should have worked. It didn’t. Why?
I did place Jesus there whether I wanted to or not or more like felt like it or not. What has been missing is believing that this is all possible for me. I say the words Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savor then quietly settle back down into but I am not good enough mode. It doesn’t last longer than what can be said timeline.
Whether I believe in Him or not it’s as straightforwards in fact that if we don’t believe in ourselves then who will? I lived or live in both worlds -depending on whose idea of worlds.
Been working on changing my thought process, feels closer to my acts as dappling instead of actual product producing efforts because it isn’t working. For the last month or more my time in exercise has given out, every single thing that I do has been given up. A lot of what has been done ended up being garbage anyways. So I focused on that part instead of recognizing that it was done by me, and it’s not my fault it wasn’t well received. This is part that really has to be dealt with and it was given in the early days of postings – wanting or needing acceptance.
So hard to get around that emotion – wanting to be needed. It is a need not a want to be touched, held, people who want to be around you, laughing, joking listening to as much as being listened too. My birds get frustrated if they are neglected for too long, even the two snakes skulk in the corners of their tank and the birds oh how they scream and holler until they get what they need from me. So should I have to live with less?
I don’t is the answer but what needs to be done is an overhaul. I would love to ask God for this to come about and will do but I must make this happen. Just how do you remold yourself from a shy introvert to a self confident individual? I looked up what is another word for wallflower and found narcissist. Pretty cool sounding word until you double check the meaning. Just wish I was really that interesting to warrant the intriguing label, luckily and do hope that my behavior doesn’t make others feel bad about themselves. I have in the past I say past because in the last six months haven’t faced people, other than my grand child, my one son and at that first part of the six month hiatus my brother did take major stridesto make people feel good about themselves.
All except for my brother I did make him feel bad, had to tell him that there was no way no matter how interesting could hear another word about the end of the world. Gees when your facing the bottom of the barrel you really don’t want to hear how that will drop out too 24/7 days a week. I did try to be nice but in the end it didn’t go well.
Maybe for the moment it feels hopeless, it sounds insane and it has got to be done, this mission of revamping a long lost lamb.
For one thing that could be fun is taking up the skill of thievery at stealing laptops. It’s also a good way to get those heart muscles pumping in the act of mischief. No I have no intention of spending the Christmas holiday locked up though it could help out my roof and food issues. If it weren’t for hearing about how they give you a packet of ramen noodles. Yes just the package, the kids said they opened them up pour water from the gross tap and sat on it to get the noodles soft. Then there was jail house top ramen. Don’t even want to know what that is. When I did ask he flat out told me never mind and I am still wondering how you sit on an opened package without the water content leaking out. Guess I lack the imagination for it.
The computer is to keep looking for work with also seeking out those for hire signs, rarely but they do pop up. Mission is to log in what I have done to fix my problems. Working with only myself as I have done, doesn’t provide enough reasons to keep moving on. You know you wake up after a bad night of sleep – it’s always the hot flashes or the nightmares – so I announce to no one just too tired and slip into some hobby like making Riley safe Christmas ornaments. It was fun until I got them up on the tree and my kitty thought they were awesome. He loved those snowmen and stars. Couldn’t keep his paws off. If I measured success on that reaction I am set for life! He digs those ornaments. My tree suffers for it. Now they those snowmen are hung high in a window and my tree has only ribbons dangling one third of the way exposing it’s nakedness the rest of the way down. Only wish I could put a picture of it on here. Cat smiling laying under it’s giants gift and my tree shuddering and waiting the next attack. He hasn’t given up so shouldn’t I. Right?
pic and verse found on http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/Christianity/2008/09/How-to-Face-Fear-10-Bible-Verses-To-Inspire-Courage.aspx?p=4