Speaking to myself

imagesCA3CC5A9It can be so hard making the right decisions for me this lost lamb. I want so much for this time to not be an error in judgement like it has been done too many times before. Countless times have the dreams been dashed and for what was hoped to be apart of this life and this was mostly done by doing what I felt was expected. I had listened to those who seem to have made more prosperous choices. They reside in nicer homes, drive a heck of a lot better vehicles and they can pay their bills except for those that squandered their funds. But it seems even those choices for work and in other areas were not meant to be for me, but where do I go now?

A friend who has far more problem than I offered me her place to go to. Cool offer really but she lives with an abusive man, not a good choice is it? I would if I  could help her out from it but I know what it will be. See he’s not physically abusive he’s a tyrant mentally and I am not strong enough to block it. I know in the end what ever suffering I am under now would be maximised by him either I’s be in jail for hitting upside the head with a cast iron pan or I would be like her shrunken further into a mouse. I have offered this friend my place – for one it’s a lot cheaper – so much cheaper than her place but she has hee’d and hawed until now I can no longer bring it up. She won’t leave him she won’t leave the area, never has and never will. Too many strong ties to town she’s in. So in that offer no it is not a good decision to be made.

In a lot of ways understand her not wanting to be alone – such a heavy price living alone. You give up a ton of stuff but with my pride just cannot allow someone to beat me down like that. Just like the last guy I had dated for over close to two years. He wasn’t like her man but he would make dates for only when it suited him which was about once a week barring whatever happened with his teenage daughters. Not including me was like a slap in the face after a while. So though it had taken years to find someone to remotely put up with this lamb tossed him out. Can’t say I didn’t try it was almost two years later but then as this time has gone by one thing that he did provide was a bit more confidence by just being able to say yes I am currently dating. Then I would declare he doesn’t seem to be interested in anything I am, not into gourmet foods, deaf so he couldn’t listen to music or go to movies, he clearly was sight deaf too because he didn’t read my emails or book and he didn’t want me around his children.

In the meantime my son who lives in Oakland has offered up his place. So awesome isn’t it? I would have to give up my pets. It always breaks down to giving up my animals. It seems overtime when a problem arises everyone wants me to give up my dogs. For one thing I have an old Chloe she’s part pit no one will take her outside the very fact I love her very much. She’s the one some monster had tossed out from a moving car after shooting her in the head with a BB gun. She’s kind and so sweet and gentle in nature. Riley the  two-year old is constantly hitting her in which I do scold her vehemently but Chloe lays there looking up for help or just sleeps. She is solid like a pit so it does take quite a whack to hurt her but I still try my best to train Riley it’s a no-no. Then there’s the two younger dogs Daphne and Lou. Daphne only loves me – she doesn’t take to anyone else. She’s good with Riley mainly because Riley shares her food a little too well. Lou is Lou he could do well in another home except I do love this dog just like I adore the others. I actually kind of like the fact that Daphne only loves me. Selfish I know but after so many men who could care a less about me and the friends who are busy with their lives, spouses and family these three are always waiting and happy to see this lamb.

Not giving up just yet working on other ways – the script that will soon with hope begin will help way down the line just got to find faith in work lining up soon,  guess I better work a little further on my decision tree. So hard to do the right thing isn’t it at times?

So on Christmas Eve and day reread a book – a story book and I don’t think I had finished it before. It looked new on the shelf – I tend to be harsh to books bending them back so if they do fall will always find my place again because it so coolly reopens to where I left off. This one had none of that but I remembered after a short time a character in the story. He sounded so much like my boys made it easy but I had no memory of much else. I read it non-stop had nothing else to do. I made pistachio chocolate chip cupcakes with a sour cream frosting topped with trail mix they were delicious – planned on leaving them with neighbors and they had the good fortune of leaving town for the holiday. Even the crazy one was gone.

The story was interesting even when I wasn’t in a preachy mood – wasn’t doom and gloom but pretty much hopeless. At the end they summed up the part I have trouble with – acting out when you do not feel in faith. See I kind of feel that if I am faking it and sooner or later it is found out – kind of hurts to know someone really doesn’t feel that way about you. You know? It’s not that I don’t care about God that is not the problem. I care very deeply about our Lord and His Son Jesus Christ. What I don’t get is what people say they feel the Holy Spirit, they can hear them speaking with them. I hear nothing and feel even less, and this being such a downer for me. I feel left out and a lot like when I was dating – so left out. But at any rate one of the people had endured a terrible hardship and she spent the year just going through the motions and then one day someone came it and said wonderful things. I cried at the end, it was a tear jerker for sure. So I guess I can hold on longer going through the motions and maybe one day it will not feel like an act. Maybe just speaking to myself is all that is needed for now, it seems to be about all that I can do – talk myself through it with a ton of prayers, maybe then they will get to become more effective too.


Romans 12:12 – Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;



bible verse found on http://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/bible-verses-about-hope/

pic: gardenlady.com


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