Learning the worst about yourself

Been a while since I came to this place. Sometimes what I blotted was fine then there were the times I spilled my insides because of not getting it right with God. So it shouldn’t be a surprise for anyone to discover that I am doing it again. I maybe dealing with it rightly or wrongly but there has been more days that I am emotionally doing better. Having found a project that I care about in the works is giving me a purpose, which is effecting my attitude.

A better outlook is becoming a more attractive lifestyle since I smile more than before. With these slight improvements are in themselves astounding, over the mere fact that not a single thing has improved and haven’t since I first began my quest here in the world of blogging. I am still going without anyone to converse with, or have another party on the other end of my phone calls equally interested in what I am getting into. Somehow this task in the works is helping me  tremendously in getting over these humps in my life.

I feel over all pretty good. That was until a test came by last night. See I have high blood pressure issues. No big deal, take a pill and it’s resolved. I think there is more to it because at times it doesn’t matter. I am awaken in the middle of the night. Tummy swollen, heart racing, a hand or for last night a finger feeling numb. Weird kind of numb because it makes this known to me by sending a very uncomfortable message. These all happen first before the choking sensation scares me as I lie in my bed alone. Well last night I wasn’t alone, my granddaughter was sleeping with me. Naturally in her sleep wanted to lay on my agonizing stomach.

This is the worst part. I have learned to just crawl out of bed flip on a random comic stand up act and wait it out. I know that if I had health insurance this problem would go away, since I don’t have found other measures that eases the discomfort. Blue collar tour works real well, Chris Titus and who ever else is easy to pick up. Seen quite a few over the years. Last night however wasn’t able to do that.

My grand baby, has bounced back and forth from her mom to me three times in the course of less than two weeks. She is feeling that especially at night where she cries in her sleep. So every time I made a move last night she whimpered. It was either deal with my situation or add the high pitch squeals from her. I choose to stick it out. Not a good move.

The pain grew and as it did so did my misery showing up in my mind spewing nonsense that was uncalled for and downright wrong. I knew it too as I kept complaining. So many times words came up – remembering of all things Job’s wife saying curse God and die. I haven’t been able to comprehend the bible, so I don’t know if that is what she said, it was though how I felt. I drudged up Job – wanting to get away fromt hat thought of how he lost everything, never a thing about how she the mother who bore children which created the family Job lost. A lot of pain to over come, more than my own night of terror. I thought – well all of it was replaced by the Lord. Is that like getting a new puppy when the old dog dies? See my mind was ugly and this hadn’t happened before.

I know that a lot of my health issues has to do with my change of life. I mean in the middle of all that pain hot flashes came in. One minute I was so hot, thought screaming was needed to release the steam building up and the next second ice-cold. Duration of the hot flashing lasted way longer over the frozen spells. And my mind moved with  each of these. During the cold regret over what I had said, mentally. During the hot spit out more. I am sure if anyone could have witnessed it I was doing an excellent impression of Linda Blair from the Exorcists.

All I can say is it’s a good thing The Lord isn’t stingy with grace and mercy because this lamb didn’t deserve it last night.


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