Archive | February 2013

The toddler and the clowns in my head


Lately there have been times in the ring when I wonder who will win. Me or the toddler. My grand baby is coming closer each day to three and believe me she is truly moving into the age of the mouth. I have heard others referring that the child at two has reached the terrible twos. I have no problems with two, it’s three that I find where all those buttons get pushed so well that I end up looking like a freaking nut job in the end.

At two they are learning and so cute as they say everything for the first time by three they have learned which words and actions will jerks my strings and morph into rapid beast.  Could it be my darling baby picked this up from watching Pinocchio too many times? Riley loves that movie and we had a whole conversation on Jimmy Cricket being the conscience. For a two years old she explained it in the standards of adults. The good and the bad and the repercussions of the wrong behaviors and choices. The movie is sophisticated for as child of her age and she got it.

I know that as a grand parent we are endowed with exaggerating what our off springs are capable of doing. In this case that is simply not true. Riley is very smart. Her intelligence is borderline precocious. Dont’ know about anyone else but this character trait grates on my nerves running up the spine at the same rate as nails on a chalk board. My problem is trying to find the proper approach to nip this in the bud yet let her keep the beneficial side effects of being a strong-willed child.

As a parent of three boys hadn’t met this bridge with success which resulted in more than just nights filled with nightmares. Seeking a healthy balance is tedious act when desiring for a child to become a strong adult who makes wise choices and I felt without a heads up of how bad it can get learned that my former techniques were well horrible ideals.

Whatever strengths I had my parents killed it in me, so I was told. From the time I was a teenager they said I had tempers, very bad tempters they would follow that up with. News of this was baffling because as far back as memory goes I was deadly afraid of speaking my rejections. It wasn’t just objections it went into what I was excited about too. When I see pictures of me as a child with the family I am not even standing beside them.

What methods were used have been permanent, repairs have ceased to undo the damage. What has remain are things like I know one way to get my mom off the phone and that is by me being excited about something. Sometime ago I had bought tickets to Bob Dylan. I was excited, rarely did I have money and it took me over forty years to find loose cash to see him and in return she berated with great lengths how she detests Bob Dylan. I never bother to tell her how much I enjoyed his show.

I mistakingly the other day finally spoke to her about my script and  how I had a blast imaging Steve Buscemi as the lead actor. Oh good grief how she had to lectured me how Hollywood wouldn’t listen to me and how much she hated Fargo. Another mistake I made of mentioning  that I enjoyed it. Now I know that there is a zero to zero chance of my script being signed or for that matter Steve Buscemi being it in. Should that phase me? No and it doesn’t because I am still in lala land with the amount of fun it is bringing me. I also am aware that it all begins with believing and so I chose to believe not only will my screenplay land a contract that it will in fact have Steve Buscemi in it; wouldn’t that just freak my mother out? Would be worth just for that alone. Never mind I need to income or that I would truly love to have this as my profession.

Dealing with my mother, can’t say my dad or my step dad because it’s like they weren’t there enough but she had me right where she wanted me. I had no designs for my own children to be held in this way.  Her own fascinations lead me to have to deal with problems at school because of interests in fashion. She followed all the modeling trends and at the age of nine she gave me the “Twiggy” hair cut. If no one remembers Twiggy, she was tall super thin with a boy hair cut. As a nine-year old girl I looked just like a boy in a dress. Did it help that this is around the Johnny Cash’s song came out “A Boy Named Sue” To this day I remember the tears streaming down my cheeks and my mom thought it was because the girl burned my neck with the electric razor, even then I could not say it was because I hated that hair cut or inform her of the grief it caused through it.

These are things that I never wanted my sons to feel that my desires were more  important than their feelings or the trouble with speaking ones own mind. May not seem like I have a problem here, this is the only place where I can.

Too many clowns from the past creep up reminding me of all the failures before I open my mouth and say what I feel. These faults are not what I want passed on while at the same time not willing to face a repeat of my boys. That ,my friends is not worth barely surviving again.

You know I have never been a fan of clowns. They have colorful clothing, and do silly stuff all the things that I am afraid to show the world.

While I have a couple of peoples attention, my preoccupation with writing the screen play has once again taken me away from some wonderful bloggers. Thought I could find balance in my day and you know with a two-year around, balance doesn’t happen, at all. At any rate I do miss your interesting perspectives on life and living it. I may not have stopped by for a cup of tea but  you haven’t been forgotten either. So I hope you are all doing well and have been experiencing the blessing from our Lord.



Blindly stupid

For the last two days this appears to be how I am getting through. Pictures of a life lived fully, nothing has been altered other than everything is healthier. My son doesn’t have cancer, my grand baby is doing well surrounded by loved ones. It does get fuzzy on whether  her parents are involved but I am experiencing a regenerated financial transfusion and she is getting all the attention and enviroment for a proper strong hold for her mental and spiritual growth.

My mouth is doing an outstanding performance in keeping only the honest to goodness spores released. My friend calls wondering how I am doing and I have been open and giddy conversing about everything than what she is overwrought about. Is this choosing to be so blind to what has been laid at my footsteps or am I so bluntly stupid or I could take this further by being completely selfish?

Had expected to be more informed as to the prognosis of my son’s possible cancer. He did not make the appointment as assumed it would have happened two days ago. He having no more to go on is doing what I have done to perfection brooded over the what if’s. My mind was enthusiastic in coming up with all the worst scenarios. To be true to myself there is a pattern on what always did get found to be my destination, other than that most of what i lived terrified in never saw the light of day. The boogie man under my bed was just that a fable gremlins that only comes out when you are walking in the dark never leaped out to get me. The only monsters that had threatened me mortally were the ones I had conjured up. This is the place where my son is bringing into his man cave.

Offers to pry him out of this contented cave have crossed my path, and I have to say it’s tempting and it will happen by me in time and it will really have to go in a non direct method. Any attempts so far haven’t met with success. So I must rely on the strong tower and the brave arms of the Lord and stay within my blindness. Aggravation never moved me forwards, could be sublime within my rushing creative juices be what is needed? There is no missing how surprisingly at’s occuring at a  time when my son is hitting a rock at the bottom of his terrain while I am mentally climbing upwards, consequences? I personally think not. I want to feel it is through a divine will to get him through all of this. That divine will must be the Lord’s because before I had no will that had him in it. I wanted him in but the fear was more my focal point and faith rested in.

This must be the part  of believing with child like innocence? I kinda like it as it says “I tell you the truth anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will not enter it.” From MARK 10-15

What if?

untitledRead the new writing challenge – changes. Would we be making them cold turkey or leap for it. I myself rarely just go for it on anything and it gets worst when it  involves an agenda that I cannot comprehend. Going cold turkey would be frightening then it does look like the best mode to bring about an objective. These objectives usually involve a more successful, life worth living. Meaning of success for most is for financial stability so that we can have a house which is our American dream. A home provides more that shelter in the storms a place for the family it also reveals your status. Think it is the best way to prove you have made it up the ranks.

Not everyone places success equally your worthiness in the eyes of the neighbors, friends and relatives. Many just want a stress free life, more time with the children before it’s too late, exploring the far reaches of the planet by traveling, and learning about this exotic ports. Success has so many definitions for the person. But it all takes a risk to achieve these desires. If it’s for a better career that will gain that social status to have the nice cars and home this will take hard work. Giving up on things like friday night happy hours, work usually takes one away from the family for a duration. These durations could last for just a few years or indefinably. My father was business savvy had gained the home, cars bank accounts in the process hardly knew him when he passed. A pain seen in his eyes as he suffered through cancer.

A price will be paid one way or another. Choosing to care for the family could mean a life of struggling financially. Not always the case but there will not be grand vacations, or dining out at the posh eateries. At least not often. A few people are blessed and can have both. I haven’t seen it. It’s one or the other. Family and friends or a career that is your life. Friends are the co workers, not always a bad thing mind you. Most of us do make our friends through work, but when I was working all the time – without receiving that nice paycheck, I saw my co workers more than my children. I knew their songs, what they ate what they hated, all about their friends at school. I on the other hand had little knowledge about my own boys. I saw them less. I am a child of a parent who was successful in the market and I hardly knew him and he knew less about me.

I for the last year have been working on changing my life. So I do know that I haven’t taken any leaps of faith even in the faith department. Working at a snail’s pace for improvements. Some of my habits quite frankly are relentless. This make it  very challenging to conquer . My thought process is obviously the hardness monster to beast bring down.

But what if the changes come in that you hadn’t asked for?

I hadn’t asked to lose my job but I did. It was waking up one day employed and the next morning hearing you are no longer have a job. This is a forced change into ones life. Can’t even be prepared for these life’s unexpected events. Does it matter that I had already wanted to repair my relationships? My sons had needed my attention and since I haven’t had a great relationship with them or anyone else, my standing with the Lord is no better. Relationships whether it be people or God is one and the same. I will use this for an example:

Gandhi had said “The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated”

We treat animals in a manner of speaking for the food industry with the most inhumane methods and look at the moral progress of the nation. We are as citizens are hurting because of a lack or morals. This is done through the corporations who are more interested in profits that doing what is right in the eyes of the Lord.

I failed in making my sons a priory not on purpose felt that providing a roof and food on the table that this was what I had to do. I have always put everything ahead of the Lord also, intentionally? No, sometimes yes. Same with my boys same with my friends and other family members. Just like my father, my mother continuing the cycles of behaviors.

What if another event brings change in – what do you do when it involves health issues?

My lovely son whose daughter I care for, he has been distant for so many months. So distant that I really feared he was getting into drugs. I had argued until blue in the face with no results. I nagged about him not spending time with his child, about him not doing this or that. I had to come to the understanding this was not bringing about a change in the right direction. This if anything was pushing into where I hadn’t wanted him. I had to change myself. I couldn’t change him but I could change my own behavior. I let it go. Didn’t ask any questions just cared for Riley as if he weren’t there. He wasn’t here – his body was but not him. He was living as a ghost, not touching anyone, or anything thing. Part taking in life – was this – sleep and disappearing.

As a parent trying to understand that they may have lost their child, it didn’t matter that he’s an adult, he’s my child – to a horrible existence of drugs was hard. Hard to let go and even harder to be a witness too. A change came in yesterday. I didn’t ask for it but it came around when I had found a carton tossed into his trash as I was bathing Riley. I picked it up – didn’t recognize the drug. I ran for my Nook and researched the product. The side effects came to me when all I wanted to know is what this was supposed to fix for my son. Side effects with articles following one after another on how it has more harm that what the results are needed for. Drug name Chantix – to help quit smoking.

I couldn’t be idle or stay quiet any longer but voicing my opinions on this is useless so I wrote on the box naming that it can cause depression leading to suicide – vomiting and violent behaviors. He had been showing depressed behavior and it had gotten worst the last couple of days. There was no way I couldn’t say  anything more so I added that I am getting the picture that there is more going on here – please talk. Naturally followed by love mom.

This morning he phoned me. Changes can come at the blink of an eye and they don’t asked as I had learned from the past they do not need or want your approval. My son isn’t on drugs. That’s the good news but he has been going in to see a doctor about lung cancer. Had to at first resolve that maybe drugs wasn’t such a bad problem, the bartering on what keeps him in this world is better than leaving it. My families history of cancer is a nightmare. He has it on both sides, his father’s mother Jess never met because she died when his father was in high school. My sister, father , all grand parents have gone out of this world by this menacing disease of cancer.

As it stands it is not confirmed whether he does have cancer or not but this information is going to bring upheaval. All I can do is pray that when it comes to a closefor this chapter of the wilderness that the Lord knows what He is doing. I don’t know what the motives are other than it is claimed to be for our best. What if this news makes Riley’s mother become a real mother. Does she even know that her daughter doesn’t know what a mother is? She refers to all young girls ..ha ha 20 something’s of being mom’s. She calls me mommy more than nana. Does it take something this bad to make it better for everyone?

There are so many what if’s but change is coming. Changes are not concerned on what way they get handled other than they can hide under the rug is you choose to do so in the end you do have to deal with it. For this lamb I  haven’t dealt very well which is why I have been in the vast wilderness for so many years. I get the forty years with Moses wandering around now that I can see that trusting, believing and the attitude are not that easy to keep upbeat when everything around amounts to nothing but dry sand. Since I live in the desert know that it can possess beauty too.


1st pic




I do not have to listen

mlm-prospectsDoes anyone else have a problem with listening? I do and these are voices of all sorts. Mine, a dj on radio,  news reporters from the TV,  few are what was seen in print or through unknown means and it’s all speaking about mishaps, crisis in this world. Some of these problems aren’t really even mine and yet I listen to them and grieve as if it were. I make these voices mine when they belong to another – and I hate to say it but this is my enemy. This thing crawls through my ear canals, sneaking in to where I am reading. A voice  chit chatting while I am trying to get sleep, hate that and what it does with its screaming in the attempts to have a quiet meditations. There they are successful because the meditations never happen by this constant mumbling. There has been occasion that I speak about a subject with venom and I have no knowledge other than what has been read yet I have been afraid it could word is could and it could because I still have the habit of hanging myself with tongue that brings it to come on to my path.

While these issues are there for nearly 30 days has been improvement. Being busy mentally and physically helps dim those ambient sounds from happening. This day of today has been a struggle. I blame lack of sleep from my induced preoccupation with storylines for this project and for the next. Most of that part is enjoyable until it seems to have worn me out. Tired isn’t good and it hands a place for the devil to get his foot through the door. A natural ability or talent if that is a choicest word on what skills I have. There is another talent with no proven tract record but I have a thing for “do it yourself fix its” which also gives Satan more leverage.

Good new is I do not have to listen. I don’t have to listen to the pity parties Satan throws for me, or do I have to be a repair specialist.

“Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”It says in James 4:7 I need to keep this cultivated throughout my thoughts over what has been.

Adding what actions Jesus took ought to bring more success as it says in Matthew 4:11 – NIV version

4 Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.