What if?

untitledRead the new writing challenge – changes. Would we be making them cold turkey or leap for it. I myself rarely just go for it on anything and it gets worst when it  involves an agenda that I cannot comprehend. Going cold turkey would be frightening then it does look like the best mode to bring about an objective. These objectives usually involve a more successful, life worth living. Meaning of success for most is for financial stability so that we can have a house which is our American dream. A home provides more that shelter in the storms a place for the family it also reveals your status. Think it is the best way to prove you have made it up the ranks.

Not everyone places success equally your worthiness in the eyes of the neighbors, friends and relatives. Many just want a stress free life, more time with the children before it’s too late, exploring the far reaches of the planet by traveling, and learning about this exotic ports. Success has so many definitions for the person. But it all takes a risk to achieve these desires. If it’s for a better career that will gain that social status to have the nice cars and home this will take hard work. Giving up on things like friday night happy hours, work usually takes one away from the family for a duration. These durations could last for just a few years or indefinably. My father was business savvy had gained the home, cars bank accounts in the process hardly knew him when he passed. A pain seen in his eyes as he suffered through cancer.

A price will be paid one way or another. Choosing to care for the family could mean a life of struggling financially. Not always the case but there will not be grand vacations, or dining out at the posh eateries. At least not often. A few people are blessed and can have both. I haven’t seen it. It’s one or the other. Family and friends or a career that is your life. Friends are the co workers, not always a bad thing mind you. Most of us do make our friends through work, but when I was working all the time – without receiving that nice paycheck, I saw my co workers more than my children. I knew their songs, what they ate what they hated, all about their friends at school. I on the other hand had little knowledge about my own boys. I saw them less. I am a child of a parent who was successful in the market and I hardly knew him and he knew less about me.

I for the last year have been working on changing my life. So I do know that I haven’t taken any leaps of faith even in the faith department. Working at a snail’s pace for improvements. Some of my habits quite frankly are relentless. This make it  very challenging to conquer . My thought process is obviously the hardness monster to beast bring down.

But what if the changes come in that you hadn’t asked for?

I hadn’t asked to lose my job but I did. It was waking up one day employed and the next morning hearing you are no longer have a job. This is a forced change into ones life. Can’t even be prepared for these life’s unexpected events. Does it matter that I had already wanted to repair my relationships? My sons had needed my attention and since I haven’t had a great relationship with them or anyone else, my standing with the Lord is no better. Relationships whether it be people or God is one and the same. I will use this for an example:

Gandhi had said “The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated”

We treat animals in a manner of speaking for the food industry with the most inhumane methods and look at the moral progress of the nation. We are as citizens are hurting because of a lack or morals. This is done through the corporations who are more interested in profits that doing what is right in the eyes of the Lord.

I failed in making my sons a priory not on purpose felt that providing a roof and food on the table that this was what I had to do. I have always put everything ahead of the Lord also, intentionally? No, sometimes yes. Same with my boys same with my friends and other family members. Just like my father, my mother continuing the cycles of behaviors.

What if another event brings change in – what do you do when it involves health issues?

My lovely son whose daughter I care for, he has been distant for so many months. So distant that I really feared he was getting into drugs. I had argued until blue in the face with no results. I nagged about him not spending time with his child, about him not doing this or that. I had to come to the understanding this was not bringing about a change in the right direction. This if anything was pushing into where I hadn’t wanted him. I had to change myself. I couldn’t change him but I could change my own behavior. I let it go. Didn’t ask any questions just cared for Riley as if he weren’t there. He wasn’t here – his body was but not him. He was living as a ghost, not touching anyone, or anything thing. Part taking in life – was this – sleep and disappearing.

As a parent trying to understand that they may have lost their child, it didn’t matter that he’s an adult, he’s my child – to a horrible existence of drugs was hard. Hard to let go and even harder to be a witness too. A change came in yesterday. I didn’t ask for it but it came around when I had found a carton tossed into his trash as I was bathing Riley. I picked it up – didn’t recognize the drug. I ran for my Nook and researched the product. The side effects came to me when all I wanted to know is what this was supposed to fix for my son. Side effects with articles following one after another on how it has more harm that what the results are needed for. Drug name Chantix – to help quit smoking.

I couldn’t be idle or stay quiet any longer but voicing my opinions on this is useless so I wrote on the box naming that it can cause depression leading to suicide – vomiting and violent behaviors. He had been showing depressed behavior and it had gotten worst the last couple of days. There was no way I couldn’t say  anything more so I added that I am getting the picture that there is more going on here – please talk. Naturally followed by love mom.

This morning he phoned me. Changes can come at the blink of an eye and they don’t asked as I had learned from the past they do not need or want your approval. My son isn’t on drugs. That’s the good news but he has been going in to see a doctor about lung cancer. Had to at first resolve that maybe drugs wasn’t such a bad problem, the bartering on what keeps him in this world is better than leaving it. My families history of cancer is a nightmare. He has it on both sides, his father’s mother Jess never met because she died when his father was in high school. My sister, father , all grand parents have gone out of this world by this menacing disease of cancer.

As it stands it is not confirmed whether he does have cancer or not but this information is going to bring upheaval. All I can do is pray that when it comes to a closefor this chapter of the wilderness that the Lord knows what He is doing. I don’t know what the motives are other than it is claimed to be for our best. What if this news makes Riley’s mother become a real mother. Does she even know that her daughter doesn’t know what a mother is? She refers to all young girls ..ha ha 20 something’s of being mom’s. She calls me mommy more than nana. Does it take something this bad to make it better for everyone?

There are so many what if’s but change is coming. Changes are not concerned on what way they get handled other than they can hide under the rug is you choose to do so in the end you do have to deal with it. For this lamb I  haven’t dealt very well which is why I have been in the vast wilderness for so many years. I get the forty years with Moses wandering around now that I can see that trusting, believing and the attitude are not that easy to keep upbeat when everything around amounts to nothing but dry sand. Since I live in the desert know that it can possess beauty too.


1st pic www.usmansheikh.com





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