Archive | March 2013

When is it time to call it quits? Think this is it!

I had my heart set out to become an avid blogger and since the days of my computer failure (many months ago) this lost lamb hasn’t kept postings up in a timely fashion. When they did appear, they were poorly done. Swearing that it wasn’t meant for them to be so ill- conceived but shamefully they were.

My other problem being faced is my tardiness from WordPress has me feeling as though  I am a stranger entering your home. My favorite part was sitting down with my cup of tea reading yours, you reading mine and taking on a subject I felt compelled to write on.  These days it’s distressing what has transpired during my absentee. Wishing it were a case of having been gone fishing or anything other than what it was… negligence.

There is a time to stand back and then there isn’t. Don’t know which it should have been but my immature skills had attempted sporadically in writing was unworthy. No it wasn’t rocket science noticing there hadn’t been much in responses or views for that matter, I kept up the villainess work anyways.  What changed was earlier this week one person bravely waded through my affliction and kindly did reply to three of my older blogs. Ancient works that this lamb couldn’t retain being the author. After reading them was overwhelmed with grief and so dreadfully sorry for having placed them out in the open like that. Just a hunch on why I didn’t recognise the titles ….I didn’t want to fest up to them!

In the very creation I had made a practise to do a little back reading of all my postings. This was done for dual purpose…. tracking development in writing along with my stance on God. Computer crashing like it did stalled my progress a whole lot more than anticipated.  I had no idea how important it was to own your own computer just thought it was more a luxury item I had lost. Stealing computers for writing was damaging to  my blog site and what little skill level I began with  dropped. Sadly at the time felt it was more important to keep writing.

My back readings have my stance further away. I not only didn’t care for what I had seen in my choices for words, layouts nor in expression. Blogging was the whole dynamics on why I got into this area in the first place. I wanted to express myself, craft well thought out ideas and then there was another reason. It was about my path towards the Lord. Amateurish thinking that if I wrote  it would develop into being able to hold on better like something miraculous would occur. I think magic of the early world has long been gone. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind applying elbow grease to touch jobs I just would like to see some progress along the way. There hasn’t been any progress on this path. All of these areas revealed itself in my writings. The bad writing, the going back and forth on questions of faith, especially noted in finding that euphoria I’ve heard so much about.

Admittedly  what I had hoped for by taking on this quest went completely into the opposite direction; causing me to be concerned for my mental health. It’s true my problems right along with  the worlds problems have been too much but it’s not that I can’t deal with. What I can’t bear is the emptiness looming over.  The void grows in hearings songs of how you’re not alone in times of trouble. Like at this moment a song has come on saying tears are being wiped away as he’s with me,, Jesus is holding on as I lean on Him.  Another killer to read – God has a great plan for you. How does his plan that I have no knowledge on what it is help? I have no sense that Jesus is anywhere when I’m hurting, sick , feel a pull towards a direction that actually works out or even in feeling joy.

These questions haven’t been suppressed during the year of working on it and neither has there been any peace in reading His words.  When I had gone to church, never comprehended how much loneliness hurt. No one acknowledged my existence at all. I can walk into any Starbucks and people speak with me. Rock concerts where there’s a mass of people I manage to strike up conversations with strangers,While standing at the check out in any grocery store people notice me but not inside a church. I’m invisible and it’s the same feeling in reading the Bible, that is if what people speak about is truthful. They say they can hear God’s voice,  feel His Holy Spirits presence. I don’t feel anything at all.

This has been quite an undertaking, feeling a way through a path leading to nowhere. Inside of me I am sure there is someone out there saying I have given up too soon but I wonder if it might be this way because this isn’t my path at all?

Chosen or not I don’t know where this will take me. Once I pass my truck driving course I’ll be out on the road and that could take me into some pretty interesting places. Co-driving means traveling won’t be done all alone. Adding some sugar and spice in hoping for a really cool team driver. He or she it doesn’t matter just gotta keep sending those positive vibes out for them to come back the way I want them to be. This is all I know, positive feeds positive and negative is negative. Hearing all the different ways of messing up with the Lord is just too negative to escape so I am leaving this path for a whole new one which one or where don’t know.

In thinking lengthily over it find one consistency that I like in  this one writer. He expresses his belief that it’s not about being good or bad it’s about God wanting our emotions. His only limitations are that he has no limitations, so he experiences them through us. If that were true he got a good deal of exposures through me and that would also mean I have been successful and maybe this is my true path.

My other blog Neurotic Lamb will continue and it should get a lot more interesting with road trips happening across America. Hopefully that blog will include what it is like to take two strangers and place them inside a cubicle as they trek in finding neat little restaurants working on the American highways. Could these two stumble into some fascinating landscapes or even better what great people yet to be encountered?

I may not know anything about being spiritual but this prospect is exacting and it could be the shot needed to bring some life back into these veins! Dreamt of road trips before and soon I will be doing  this!  So unless I find a path taking towards God this blog site will depart for good.

Thank you for riding along and hope you will join me at Neurotic Lamb.

 

Hanging on for dear life

I just wonder how many people get as confused about our Lord as I do? I mean there are very few seconds in the day where I can stand absolute with Him. To clarify this further is not an easy task because of this state of confusion but I will give it a try.

See I believe there is without a doubt a God and I am sure that He is the same no matter what mood strikes this lost lamb. After this point there’s no steady ground. Last night as a pep talk felt maybe since reading his words hasn’t helped my troubled soul sat down to watch the mini series that’s getting rave reviews. So my remote clicked until finding the History Channels “The Bible” on demand. In viewing the two shows that were very well done as far as entertainment but I was left with a…huh so that’s the Bible. It pretty much came out the same way as my reading of it.

I scolded my wooly mind for dragging out for the umpteenth time people’s voices praising all the peace they found. How they were lifted with inspiration to keep moving on as I lied down in my bed heavy with guilt for not experiencing the same way. Then the nightmares then waking up more exhausted than before bedtime.

Since I do have a lot of nightmares generally deal with it by conjuring up a story I would rather watch which is really how I was able to write a complete screenplay in less than two months. I dream in stories of what I would like to live or see across the big screen. These constant nightmares have provided a good resource to write forever a wide assortment of film scripts yet I cannot draw up anything that has to do with heaven or God. Not that He doesn’t play a key role in any of it. He’s just the one I am running away from or happened to find that perfect man where then soon there’s a wonderful healthy family setting surrounded by even better friends. In this picture perfect lifestyle we all and I mean even the Mister Right is aware God has brought us together.

And then I wake up heavy with grieving that this has never been answered all alone I sit knowing that He hasn’t provided any relief in my 54 years. In watching the men of the early Bible and there’s the confirmation on why none of it was answered. They lived close to God they wrote psalms when I can’t remember a single solitary line. They were willing to sacrifice their son knowing it would ruin their relationship. Think about it Abram knew in  his heart God would provide but he also knew his relationship with his son would be damaged and yet he proceeded. All of these men ended up where? Moses didn’t get to see the promised land, King Saul and David mentally losing it, Noah a drunk.

One thing I did immediately walk away from was never wanting to hear Gods voice. Scared the living daylights out of me in this show. They heard His voice then their life was turned upside down. Well my life has been turned upside down and since it has have asked to hear something sound on what I am to do next. Don’t think I want to ask anymore after seeing what real good believers endure.

So where does this leave me? A nobody who could never sacrifice my children, sacrificed my life for them but for Him not in so many ways. The only thing I came close to was when I found out I was pregnant and this was for all three chose to have them over further disappointing God. Appointments were made for two of three in the end He won. So many times felt I lost, even today this has never felt so true. As I struggle in losing so many battles wonder am I going to lose faith with God? It is close I hate this wilderness living he’s stuck me in. Maybe I should take credit for that because I can’t find my way out.

Further aggravations for instance, my screenplay this will take the Lord to make it happen. Every morning and night I work so hard to believe He will make it happen. Trying to not beg is as hard as not giving up. I don’t want to beg I want to believe! My history is dreadful to keep trust going. Then there’s the alternative of becoming a truck driver. It is humorous thinking a few years back was an assistant interior designer finding my jollies driving a rig. Being that assistants is a lost profession it’s hell of a lot brighter than standing behind a counter at the local Circle K which by the way did not land. So driving trucks  is a very good choice for me. It has been far too long since I have worked in an office, too old for work behind a counter at a gas station. School at my age being single doesn’t make any sense at all. Think about it, I am a couple of months away from 55 already employers are not eager to hirer someone my age then the cost of the schooling the pay won’t take care of the debt and it will not help now. Truck driving will get me the money needed to survive.

Always a hold up and this comes in as two problems to be dealt with. First or secondary you pick. I am not tall leaving me quite small. When it comes to work at any other place I was able to do more than even the tallest person by shear will, but will this ruin my chances at driving? Time for me to begin begging with God. My back is against the all so either I jump into the sea or I just don’t know what having run out of choices already. That’s not it, see my son still hasn’t found out if in fact what’s in his throat is cancer. If this is so who will care for him and his daughter when I am on the road 3 to 4 weeks a month?

See my point? When I was seventeen had this perfect opportunity of a lifetime. I wanted to be in the music industry, then I was offered a sound engineer position in a very nice studio. In pleasing her ruined what was in my heart of heart desires and they do not come around twice so this was a huge mistake. My only opportunity and I failed by not fighting for it. A regret I live with each day. So if I do in fact can drive what happens if my son does  have cancer?

Sounds like an easy question right? Stay home and care for him. How would the roof remain over our heads, food on the table? In less than five weeks EDD runs out. His pay at the gas station hardly provides for him. The trucking job will also provided me with health insurance, dental, vision and a 401 k with life insurance too. Soon the federal government will fine me for not having medical insurance. How would I pay for that?

Should I become a marijuana grower? It would pay the bills then what would God feel about that? I sin enough with Him every day by not understanding His words, standing tall in believing do I really need to add growing pot to my jumbled mess?

These are desperate times for a lot of people. I know I am not alone in it. I know others also feel very lonely and so helpless. Too many burdens in this world, if this were the end of times would I make it in the rapture but I think one must be a better believer than I. So I try even harder to not think about that but it creeps in anyways.

So what I have done is remind myself no matter what He’s God and then looked for easy escapes like listening to Bill Cosby this afternoon. Think it’s time for another round of comedy. This time the Blue Collar Tour for some chuckles to make the night. I just want to know why He makes it so difficult to hang on?

Lateral Love

The Unravelling of a Colonized Mind by Jana-Rae Yerxa

The Unravelling of a Colonized Mind by Jana-Rae Yerxa

Sure everybody struggles. But to be born an Indigenous person, you are born into struggle. My struggle. Your struggle. Our struggle. The colonial struggle. There are many layers to this struggle. For the longest time, I didn’t even know what the true struggle was about yet I couldn’t escape it. It consumed me. Colonialism, as I have been forced to discover, is like a cancer. But instead of the cells in your body betraying itself, the thoughts in your mind work against you and eat you up from the inside out. You’re like the walking dead and you don’t even know it because you are so blinded. You can’t see the truth.

Here are some of the perverted ways colonialism infects the mind:
• With a colonized mind, I hate being Indian.
• With a colonized mind, I accept that I…

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Lost in the spaces between words

This lamb can get lost at the blink of eye and it’s not in getting from point A to point B either. Traveling I’m a pro when it comes to finding inner peace I hack away until there is no way of finding an out much less a sense of peace. Since Friday have been disoriented, muddled with a loss in directions.

A queer sensation as I’m tucked inside my paper bag enclosure. It began before my step father’s funeral services. Afraid of facing members of our family proceeded before the actual grieving for a lost member. This turned out to be a bust because it hadn’t happened as my fear drew power from. Now that is good news indeed, right?

There was another unforeseen problem…Could I have been the only one who noticed or were there others in the ranks who felt …well robbed by the event?Were there pick pocket sin the crowd? No not all. This was a different kind of robbery the kind that confronts families estranged with each other. Questions when it comes to the biggest concerns of all are left unattended to. The big question?

What will happen to this departed member once they have passed?

I have no idea and that is the struggle this lamb is dealing with. This was supposed to be a celebration of life and they did exactly that. Through their tragedy the music school where he worked with students and his wife pulled together videos, performers who played his music arrangements and written songs. Videos dug up from old pictures of his legacy. Beautiful job, very well done except there was a whole as big and as deep as the person who is no longer here with us.

See for me I am having trouble in finding peace of knowing where my step father is going to be now that he’s stepped beyond to the other side. Will he be with Christ Jesus? Is his new residence be one of hell? I don’t know this at all and it is a difficult situation to face when not a person spoke on this. Hardly a person said we know he’s in a better place. But what place is this were they speaking on? One cousin did offer a vague suggestion as he began his performance but it wasn’t enough to bring my heart to rest.

Trouble with the space between words is where I get hung up on with reading. Bible is a biggie when it comes to finding myself trapped in runts or banging my head because I cannot get it. When it comes to losing family members the need to know where they stand with The Lord hits home like no other. Maybe it’s because of my grandmother when she passed made sure I knew she had no problem with traveling to the other side. My sister too blessed me with this information everyone else left me hanging with a mysterious ending. Great for movies frustrating for real life.

Cancer gives one lot’s of time to get your personal business done. Dying in a traffic accident, heat attack or any sudden death one doesn’t get that insight. Having lost more than I care for through cancer have discovered either they felt this was so personal it was between them and God or they didn’t get it at all. I want to believe my father – my real father had found peace with the Lord unfortunately in his case he was drugged heavily and unable to communicate. (Long story on this subject.) When it comes to my step father I am working on the notion he had found peace because he slipped away very quickly and that this must have been done without his wife or anyone elses knowledge.

His services were at a school making it virtually impossible to mention faith in our Lord Jesus Christ as a topic and that could have been the reason for the robbery. You’d think when it comes to a memorial service this would have been  lifted any restrictions since this is how most people cope with bereavement.

This isn’t the only place I have been caught up with the words or the lack there of. Read an excellent blog from Lateral Love Australia posted today. It was speaking on the unraveling of a colonized mind. Very good read! Put all kinds of thoughts through this lamb. Nice change from harping on what had been lost. It wasn’t so much a revelation as much as a reminder of how I think or shouldn’t be thinking to be more correct.

As a woman of today’s society everything they had to say for the Indigenous people could also go for women too.  We all are losing our true identity because of the need to belong. This was  my very  first posting. I want to belong so much that it actually hurts by not. This is coming from a person whose not good at jumping through hoops, then allows to mentally view myself and the world with guilt as they wrote about. From the beginning of having “a perverted mind” they wrote” a colonized mind, I hate being Indian.”

So I’m not Indian and wouldn’t fully comprehend the hardship in living as they do. What I have been poor at is saying I hate being a woman. I have accepted their mold of what constitutes a fitfully attractive woman, knowing that I have none of the elements they demand a woman should have. I can’t buy it to obtain these goals. No plastic surgeon can rectify this inssuring I believe I am inferior because of not meeting their guidelines. The list goes on for a while and every written word has passed my tongue.

Looking at their posts recognizing my own self destructive pattern there should be no reasons to get lost between spaces anymore. It’s black and white with be 100 percent correctness and I am sure by tomorrow will make the same mistakes over again. Judging others through my own faults, jealousy for what has been given to one woman that never crossed my path. The Lord’s work makes no sense to me. Why would he make me short, an unattractive woman with no special talents to make up from what’s missing? There wouldn’t be an answer to come until I’m called on.

Would love to receive information filling in the gaps between the print, like for my size. Got an opportunity for making real money. My screenwriting needs time of course.This also calls on the Lord to bless it in order to make it happen. Would he be that interested in me to bless a script written for Hollywood? I certainly hope so though I have trouble picturing him answering it. So as much as I am for the first time willing to walk on the tops of water need a safety net. To get that safe landing in case of a fall signed up for an unusual job and it all will be balanced on if I could handle it and my size is the only restrictions that could make it tumble then what would I do?

Unemployment is nearly up for good and in all of these months three interviews none of the jobs did I get. They weren’t even good jobs. Pay was a joke and I wonder what in the world are these employers looking for? It’s not me I can tell you this much . They have no more interest in me than any man that has come along and yes my size did hinder my chances in all areas.

Sometimes I wish I could stick with the words only and ignore the spaces, wouldn’t life be so much easier then?

 

Flat Lining

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I gotta get rid of my mindset for today and have no idea on how tp dp it. Seriously this obsessive preoccupation with flat lining must go away. The expression itself a bizarre explanation to  when a heart stops.These patterns made are proof that there’s life as it can easily be the bearer of no life at all as in the case of what happened to my stepfather last week. Saw him the week before and then he’s gone just like that.

As a member of my family may get the monitor to move but as a family unit we are all but dead. No movements will be seen other than a long flat line which showed up around nineteen years ago when my youngest sister passed away. If I were to stick my finger on when it began hard to exactly pin point because we each faked it for another ten years then no one including myself even tried to maintain a status quo. Our family abandoned itself and it was done without a squabble no fan fare just one day we were no longer connected.

Now this coming friday will be the services and it has all the makings of a coming together. Will our family continue to be flat lined or would there be a healing? Any ones’ guess because this neurotic lamb dreads going. I will because that’s what one does to respect and bring honor for those that have passed away.

Losing one of the few last heads of the family were it I could move and find far more interesting topics to harp on. This is so because my stepfather was 82 and he lived an interesting life and did so by doing what he loved music. Not saying he made fortunes as a matter of fact he didn’t. Came close to seeing some fame on the horizon, then life stepped in and stole it. Well it wasn’t stolen more of a crashing. He had a tour set for his country album in the 80’s hitting 27 on Billboard charts when an ambulance sent him for an extended hospital stay. All curiosity of a drunk driver . Yet this man was a success! How many people have made a living in this industry? Not only did he do that supported fhis family of four and still got himself to follow another passion – meeting interesting people in the likes of Europe on more than one occasion.

Flat lining has also comes in from my sweet dog of ten years. She has weakened a great deal in the last two days. The sweetest dog in the world and there’s no way I can give a good estimate on how old she is. I got her around ten years ago already an adult. Being she was tossed out of a car, no one could get the owner to slow enough to ask her age. Considering they shot her in the head with a BB gun first might not be wise getting close to anyone this cruel. So it really is truly a blessing Chloe has made it this long, unfortunately I am selfish! I want more time with her and it’s made worst by having absolutely no funds to get her checked by a vet, so all I can do is keep her comfortable.

My blog has been a case of flat lining having I hadn’t done much of anything with it. Catching others blogs in the last couple weeks was a real treat, reminding me how much I need to regulate my days better. I do still deal with the lingering problems of not having my own computer. Still borrowing these days and when I got it been working on my script which by the way as of last night completed. Reread it several times, feel that there are no typos then again this is where a second pair of eyes comes in yet that will not happen, since I don’t have a second pair of eyes to read. Tomorrow begins the real work!

Query letters with a brilliant synopsis that gets one agent to read my work. Exciting! Very helpful in getting over the flat lines going on in so many areas of my life. It has gotten me over some real humps tossed into my path. Answers to them all haven’t come across yet having these stories has gotten my eyes away from the problems. At this time I also must thank the Lord because I have a good six more screenplays to write. Wonder which one could be the magic ticket for the occupation I so desire to hold?

Today though I am really tired. Seeking for strength is needed and at these times do wish the Lord had a pill that wipes it all away, at least long enough for a good nights sleep. He doesn’t work that way does he? I ask him to take it but I don’t know how to let go. Used my screenplay for a couple of months and it helped. Actually it was a huge help. Asked the Lord to take it off my shoulders and then got down to business writing. Today I think all I did was sweep it under the rug and now I am tripping on it no matter which direction of walking.

In the meantime haven’t exactly gotten to each of the blogs I follow have chipped away at a few and what I found were some pretty insightful, interesting and so miss being an active part of such a special community. My blogs are special but it sure felt good rubbing elbows with the likes of you.

 

Pic found on : cbmjustice.blogspot.com