I had my heart set out to become an avid blogger and since the days of my computer failure (many months ago) this lost lamb hasn’t kept postings up in a timely fashion. When they did appear, they were poorly done. Swearing that it wasn’t meant for them to be so ill- conceived but shamefully they were.
My other problem being faced is my tardiness from WordPress has me feeling as though I am a stranger entering your home. My favorite part was sitting down with my cup of tea reading yours, you reading mine and taking on a subject I felt compelled to write on. These days it’s distressing what has transpired during my absentee. Wishing it were a case of having been gone fishing or anything other than what it was… negligence.
There is a time to stand back and then there isn’t. Don’t know which it should have been but my immature skills had attempted sporadically in writing was unworthy. No it wasn’t rocket science noticing there hadn’t been much in responses or views for that matter, I kept up the villainess work anyways. What changed was earlier this week one person bravely waded through my affliction and kindly did reply to three of my older blogs. Ancient works that this lamb couldn’t retain being the author. After reading them was overwhelmed with grief and so dreadfully sorry for having placed them out in the open like that. Just a hunch on why I didn’t recognise the titles ….I didn’t want to fest up to them!
In the very creation I had made a practise to do a little back reading of all my postings. This was done for dual purpose…. tracking development in writing along with my stance on God. Computer crashing like it did stalled my progress a whole lot more than anticipated. I had no idea how important it was to own your own computer just thought it was more a luxury item I had lost. Stealing computers for writing was damaging to my blog site and what little skill level I began with dropped. Sadly at the time felt it was more important to keep writing.
My back readings have my stance further away. I not only didn’t care for what I had seen in my choices for words, layouts nor in expression. Blogging was the whole dynamics on why I got into this area in the first place. I wanted to express myself, craft well thought out ideas and then there was another reason. It was about my path towards the Lord. Amateurish thinking that if I wrote it would develop into being able to hold on better like something miraculous would occur. I think magic of the early world has long been gone. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind applying elbow grease to touch jobs I just would like to see some progress along the way. There hasn’t been any progress on this path. All of these areas revealed itself in my writings. The bad writing, the going back and forth on questions of faith, especially noted in finding that euphoria I’ve heard so much about.
Admittedly what I had hoped for by taking on this quest went completely into the opposite direction; causing me to be concerned for my mental health. It’s true my problems right along with the worlds problems have been too much but it’s not that I can’t deal with. What I can’t bear is the emptiness looming over. The void grows in hearings songs of how you’re not alone in times of trouble. Like at this moment a song has come on saying tears are being wiped away as he’s with me,, Jesus is holding on as I lean on Him. Another killer to read – God has a great plan for you. How does his plan that I have no knowledge on what it is help? I have no sense that Jesus is anywhere when I’m hurting, sick , feel a pull towards a direction that actually works out or even in feeling joy.
These questions haven’t been suppressed during the year of working on it and neither has there been any peace in reading His words. When I had gone to church, never comprehended how much loneliness hurt. No one acknowledged my existence at all. I can walk into any Starbucks and people speak with me. Rock concerts where there’s a mass of people I manage to strike up conversations with strangers,While standing at the check out in any grocery store people notice me but not inside a church. I’m invisible and it’s the same feeling in reading the Bible, that is if what people speak about is truthful. They say they can hear God’s voice, feel His Holy Spirits presence. I don’t feel anything at all.
This has been quite an undertaking, feeling a way through a path leading to nowhere. Inside of me I am sure there is someone out there saying I have given up too soon but I wonder if it might be this way because this isn’t my path at all?
Chosen or not I don’t know where this will take me. Once I pass my truck driving course I’ll be out on the road and that could take me into some pretty interesting places. Co-driving means traveling won’t be done all alone. Adding some sugar and spice in hoping for a really cool team driver. He or she it doesn’t matter just gotta keep sending those positive vibes out for them to come back the way I want them to be. This is all I know, positive feeds positive and negative is negative. Hearing all the different ways of messing up with the Lord is just too negative to escape so I am leaving this path for a whole new one which one or where don’t know.
In thinking lengthily over it find one consistency that I like in this one writer. He expresses his belief that it’s not about being good or bad it’s about God wanting our emotions. His only limitations are that he has no limitations, so he experiences them through us. If that were true he got a good deal of exposures through me and that would also mean I have been successful and maybe this is my true path.
My other blog Neurotic Lamb will continue and it should get a lot more interesting with road trips happening across America. Hopefully that blog will include what it is like to take two strangers and place them inside a cubicle as they trek in finding neat little restaurants working on the American highways. Could these two stumble into some fascinating landscapes or even better what great people yet to be encountered?
I may not know anything about being spiritual but this prospect is exacting and it could be the shot needed to bring some life back into these veins! Dreamt of road trips before and soon I will be doing this! So unless I find a path taking towards God this blog site will depart for good.
Thank you for riding along and hope you will join me at Neurotic Lamb.