Lost in the spaces between words

This lamb can get lost at the blink of eye and it’s not in getting from point A to point B either. Traveling I’m a pro when it comes to finding inner peace I hack away until there is no way of finding an out much less a sense of peace. Since Friday have been disoriented, muddled with a loss in directions.

A queer sensation as I’m tucked inside my paper bag enclosure. It began before my step father’s funeral services. Afraid of facing members of our family proceeded before the actual grieving for a lost member. This turned out to be a bust because it hadn’t happened as my fear drew power from. Now that is good news indeed, right?

There was another unforeseen problem…Could I have been the only one who noticed or were there others in the ranks who felt …well robbed by the event?Were there pick pocket sin the crowd? No not all. This was a different kind of robbery the kind that confronts families estranged with each other. Questions when it comes to the biggest concerns of all are left unattended to. The big question?

What will happen to this departed member once they have passed?

I have no idea and that is the struggle this lamb is dealing with. This was supposed to be a celebration of life and they did exactly that. Through their tragedy the music school where he worked with students and his wife pulled together videos, performers who played his music arrangements and written songs. Videos dug up from old pictures of his legacy. Beautiful job, very well done except there was a whole as big and as deep as the person who is no longer here with us.

See for me I am having trouble in finding peace of knowing where my step father is going to be now that he’s stepped beyond to the other side. Will he be with Christ Jesus? Is his new residence be one of hell? I don’t know this at all and it is a difficult situation to face when not a person spoke on this. Hardly a person said we know he’s in a better place. But what place is this were they speaking on? One cousin did offer a vague suggestion as he began his performance but it wasn’t enough to bring my heart to rest.

Trouble with the space between words is where I get hung up on with reading. Bible is a biggie when it comes to finding myself trapped in runts or banging my head because I cannot get it. When it comes to losing family members the need to know where they stand with The Lord hits home like no other. Maybe it’s because of my grandmother when she passed made sure I knew she had no problem with traveling to the other side. My sister too blessed me with this information everyone else left me hanging with a mysterious ending. Great for movies frustrating for real life.

Cancer gives one lot’s of time to get your personal business done. Dying in a traffic accident, heat attack or any sudden death one doesn’t get that insight. Having lost more than I care for through cancer have discovered either they felt this was so personal it was between them and God or they didn’t get it at all. I want to believe my father – my real father had found peace with the Lord unfortunately in his case he was drugged heavily and unable to communicate. (Long story on this subject.) When it comes to my step father I am working on the notion he had found peace because he slipped away very quickly and that this must have been done without his wife or anyone elses knowledge.

His services were at a school making it virtually impossible to mention faith in our Lord Jesus Christ as a topic and that could have been the reason for the robbery. You’d think when it comes to a memorial service this would have been  lifted any restrictions since this is how most people cope with bereavement.

This isn’t the only place I have been caught up with the words or the lack there of. Read an excellent blog from Lateral Love Australia posted today. It was speaking on the unraveling of a colonized mind. Very good read! Put all kinds of thoughts through this lamb. Nice change from harping on what had been lost. It wasn’t so much a revelation as much as a reminder of how I think or shouldn’t be thinking to be more correct.

As a woman of today’s society everything they had to say for the Indigenous people could also go for women too.  We all are losing our true identity because of the need to belong. This was  my very  first posting. I want to belong so much that it actually hurts by not. This is coming from a person whose not good at jumping through hoops, then allows to mentally view myself and the world with guilt as they wrote about. From the beginning of having “a perverted mind” they wrote” a colonized mind, I hate being Indian.”

So I’m not Indian and wouldn’t fully comprehend the hardship in living as they do. What I have been poor at is saying I hate being a woman. I have accepted their mold of what constitutes a fitfully attractive woman, knowing that I have none of the elements they demand a woman should have. I can’t buy it to obtain these goals. No plastic surgeon can rectify this inssuring I believe I am inferior because of not meeting their guidelines. The list goes on for a while and every written word has passed my tongue.

Looking at their posts recognizing my own self destructive pattern there should be no reasons to get lost between spaces anymore. It’s black and white with be 100 percent correctness and I am sure by tomorrow will make the same mistakes over again. Judging others through my own faults, jealousy for what has been given to one woman that never crossed my path. The Lord’s work makes no sense to me. Why would he make me short, an unattractive woman with no special talents to make up from what’s missing? There wouldn’t be an answer to come until I’m called on.

Would love to receive information filling in the gaps between the print, like for my size. Got an opportunity for making real money. My screenwriting needs time of course.This also calls on the Lord to bless it in order to make it happen. Would he be that interested in me to bless a script written for Hollywood? I certainly hope so though I have trouble picturing him answering it. So as much as I am for the first time willing to walk on the tops of water need a safety net. To get that safe landing in case of a fall signed up for an unusual job and it all will be balanced on if I could handle it and my size is the only restrictions that could make it tumble then what would I do?

Unemployment is nearly up for good and in all of these months three interviews none of the jobs did I get. They weren’t even good jobs. Pay was a joke and I wonder what in the world are these employers looking for? It’s not me I can tell you this much . They have no more interest in me than any man that has come along and yes my size did hinder my chances in all areas.

Sometimes I wish I could stick with the words only and ignore the spaces, wouldn’t life be so much easier then?

 

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