I just wonder how many people get as confused about our Lord as I do? I mean there are very few seconds in the day where I can stand absolute with Him. To clarify this further is not an easy task because of this state of confusion but I will give it a try.
See I believe there is without a doubt a God and I am sure that He is the same no matter what mood strikes this lost lamb. After this point there’s no steady ground. Last night as a pep talk felt maybe since reading his words hasn’t helped my troubled soul sat down to watch the mini series that’s getting rave reviews. So my remote clicked until finding the History Channels “The Bible” on demand. In viewing the two shows that were very well done as far as entertainment but I was left with a…huh so that’s the Bible. It pretty much came out the same way as my reading of it.
I scolded my wooly mind for dragging out for the umpteenth time people’s voices praising all the peace they found. How they were lifted with inspiration to keep moving on as I lied down in my bed heavy with guilt for not experiencing the same way. Then the nightmares then waking up more exhausted than before bedtime.
Since I do have a lot of nightmares generally deal with it by conjuring up a story I would rather watch which is really how I was able to write a complete screenplay in less than two months. I dream in stories of what I would like to live or see across the big screen. These constant nightmares have provided a good resource to write forever a wide assortment of film scripts yet I cannot draw up anything that has to do with heaven or God. Not that He doesn’t play a key role in any of it. He’s just the one I am running away from or happened to find that perfect man where then soon there’s a wonderful healthy family setting surrounded by even better friends. In this picture perfect lifestyle we all and I mean even the Mister Right is aware God has brought us together.
And then I wake up heavy with grieving that this has never been answered all alone I sit knowing that He hasn’t provided any relief in my 54 years. In watching the men of the early Bible and there’s the confirmation on why none of it was answered. They lived close to God they wrote psalms when I can’t remember a single solitary line. They were willing to sacrifice their son knowing it would ruin their relationship. Think about it Abram knew in his heart God would provide but he also knew his relationship with his son would be damaged and yet he proceeded. All of these men ended up where? Moses didn’t get to see the promised land, King Saul and David mentally losing it, Noah a drunk.
One thing I did immediately walk away from was never wanting to hear Gods voice. Scared the living daylights out of me in this show. They heard His voice then their life was turned upside down. Well my life has been turned upside down and since it has have asked to hear something sound on what I am to do next. Don’t think I want to ask anymore after seeing what real good believers endure.
So where does this leave me? A nobody who could never sacrifice my children, sacrificed my life for them but for Him not in so many ways. The only thing I came close to was when I found out I was pregnant and this was for all three chose to have them over further disappointing God. Appointments were made for two of three in the end He won. So many times felt I lost, even today this has never felt so true. As I struggle in losing so many battles wonder am I going to lose faith with God? It is close I hate this wilderness living he’s stuck me in. Maybe I should take credit for that because I can’t find my way out.
Further aggravations for instance, my screenplay this will take the Lord to make it happen. Every morning and night I work so hard to believe He will make it happen. Trying to not beg is as hard as not giving up. I don’t want to beg I want to believe! My history is dreadful to keep trust going. Then there’s the alternative of becoming a truck driver. It is humorous thinking a few years back was an assistant interior designer finding my jollies driving a rig. Being that assistants is a lost profession it’s hell of a lot brighter than standing behind a counter at the local Circle K which by the way did not land. So driving trucks is a very good choice for me. It has been far too long since I have worked in an office, too old for work behind a counter at a gas station. School at my age being single doesn’t make any sense at all. Think about it, I am a couple of months away from 55 already employers are not eager to hirer someone my age then the cost of the schooling the pay won’t take care of the debt and it will not help now. Truck driving will get me the money needed to survive.
Always a hold up and this comes in as two problems to be dealt with. First or secondary you pick. I am not tall leaving me quite small. When it comes to work at any other place I was able to do more than even the tallest person by shear will, but will this ruin my chances at driving? Time for me to begin begging with God. My back is against the all so either I jump into the sea or I just don’t know what having run out of choices already. That’s not it, see my son still hasn’t found out if in fact what’s in his throat is cancer. If this is so who will care for him and his daughter when I am on the road 3 to 4 weeks a month?
See my point? When I was seventeen had this perfect opportunity of a lifetime. I wanted to be in the music industry, then I was offered a sound engineer position in a very nice studio. In pleasing her ruined what was in my heart of heart desires and they do not come around twice so this was a huge mistake. My only opportunity and I failed by not fighting for it. A regret I live with each day. So if I do in fact can drive what happens if my son does have cancer?
Sounds like an easy question right? Stay home and care for him. How would the roof remain over our heads, food on the table? In less than five weeks EDD runs out. His pay at the gas station hardly provides for him. The trucking job will also provided me with health insurance, dental, vision and a 401 k with life insurance too. Soon the federal government will fine me for not having medical insurance. How would I pay for that?
Should I become a marijuana grower? It would pay the bills then what would God feel about that? I sin enough with Him every day by not understanding His words, standing tall in believing do I really need to add growing pot to my jumbled mess?
These are desperate times for a lot of people. I know I am not alone in it. I know others also feel very lonely and so helpless. Too many burdens in this world, if this were the end of times would I make it in the rapture but I think one must be a better believer than I. So I try even harder to not think about that but it creeps in anyways.
So what I have done is remind myself no matter what He’s God and then looked for easy escapes like listening to Bill Cosby this afternoon. Think it’s time for another round of comedy. This time the Blue Collar Tour for some chuckles to make the night. I just want to know why He makes it so difficult to hang on?