Archive | September 2013

Far Out

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I revel in the nearness of a cozy blanket. That spun yarn plush in comfort, oh to be wrapped up in it beside a toasty fire sipping coca as an old classic film protrays what I feel emcompasses a good life. Delicious!

Old vintage movies such as Abbott and Costello, Bob Hope movies including his road pictures have this magic of removing worldly stress. The blanket begins  unraveling my raw nerves with a coy invitation, nestled on the edge of a camel back chair where it speaks to me saying ‘ come take a load off by sitting a spell’
Instinctively I want to but can only give in after going over that to do list. Ah but when I do that list seems so unimportant when my joints in my back and knees are thanking me. It feels good it feels dang it right as a matter of fact.

Those days seem so far away. No more is there a cosy chair much less a throw to snuggle under. Granted summer doesn’t call for that kind of soul and body repair. For me summer calls for a big shady tree a cool stream is a delightful blessing but tender green grass suffices just fine as I listen to birds songs while chilling out doors. I love a good book to crack open after a fill of pillowy formations. A little game looking for animal shapes them my mind settles down to read. Guiltless relaxation of summer, I cool off my body’s knots come undone as my brain is fed. Fall and winter’s comfort may not be as beneficial for the mind it does wonders for my spirit!

Well I am far out here completely away from my comfort zone. Today to not make it so cumbersome I cooked, nothing fancy egg cheese ham sandwich. That’s it but oh what it did was reversed. Finding my harmony cooking it wasn’t at all! Only thing that came from that trial was how I had not managed to pull all my hair out is surprising. This is serious  cramped space no sink had to dig up soe cleverness on cleaning. Can anyone quess why I am gaining weight?

You can cook on a truck one we had before had a table this doesn’t. Doing dishes was daunting on that truck worst on this one, so my favorite hobby has become an annoyance.

So what am I to do to gain back not only my comfort zone but to get some zeal back into this life?

I’m still playing photographer with my cell phone could be one day I will grow up and get a real camera?

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Comfort we all like that place, don’t we? I do and it wasn’t easy coming clean with my partner on how much I detest and fearful I am in driving. It turns out he loves driving. I’d never guess it when he’s chewing out the other motorists as if each one has a personal vindetta against him. I think it’s both humorist and aggrevating.  I as a driver respond as when I was once them in automobiles. You have no idea what a difference it makes when you are bigger, heavier and cannot stop on a dime no more. Like today I had to make a quick turn on a small street no vehicles had been seen for a good ten minutes or more. Not until the turn one tiny little vehicle was up so close to my large booty of the trailer. If not weren’t for the shadow as I watched the back end would not have known. Brave person as I thank God for watching out for the both of us.

I have to wonder why am I out here, what is my purpose in life? What does driving a truck offer this world over me doing what I’d rather have for my life? What I would give to ask God directly since getting a responce that I understand  went somewhere else to find these answers.  I am reading a book. The author knew his calling was singing and playing guitar. That’s cool as  mine seems to be can I get to a rest stop before humulating myself kind of purpose. Most animalistic behavoir I can say. Eat sleep, pee thats it. Like right now I have got to go but the truck is being unloaded one cucumber at a time but I have a job so I must be thankful.

Thanking God is something I do all day and night long. I should be more grateful than I am after all if it weren’t for Him I couldn’t do this but I don’t like this driving thing. It appears he wants me here way far out from my comfort. Since I can’t seem to make lemonade out of a lemon think I’ll be stuck a long time.

Can I do this without losing my mind is the question…

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Dull and glittery

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Driving a truck tediously along highways can be let’s say it boringly dull! Dull dull dull yeah that extremely kind of dimmness that my wits are so besotted with themselves  they retreat into an  oblivion of nothingness. I had to take action! Right? 

Isn’t that what humans do, amimals go along with agendas,  people don’t. We change what we don’t care to deal with at least that’s what I try to do.  To break this down further try is the optimum word.

Rarely my deviations from what I dont care for meets with success.
Losing out I succeed in.  So good at that I am becoming a champion  losing. A champ prepares for their game mentally and physically. My mentally is this I am never surprised by my out comes. Those attempts for prosperity seldom meets my expectations.

My high ideas falling flat  can be  frustrating but  that’s okay. Edison took one thousand stabs at creating a lightbulb but he did get it done so what if it takes a thousand or ten thousand for that matter to reach what I want? Isn’t is worth it to gain from this world  what is desirable for my life?  I do believe it’s worth while.

When I was full of piss and vinegar as a teenager had elaborate plans. I dreamt of it took courses studied my brains out then life stepped in, a practical jokes on you blew  through  my door.Seventeen two short  months from independence is when derailment occurred. I wasn’t too worried if it came that easily it’ll show up again. So I believed! What I would pay for a crystal ball but none accurate enough to purchase I  tottled on my way through life.

I hadn’t known the word defeat and if I did would mot surrender to it.  Sure  pain as a child.was known. My mother made certain of it by  cutting my hair for to look like Twiggy.  That bad cut went on for two years until entering my ninth year of life. I looked like a cross dressing boy. Tears streamed down these cheeks of mine, invisibly  she never noticed.

Pain I knew , a different lose I knew too.  I was apart of the first AYSO (a soccer league) we played well. Well enough two of our girls where invited to play in Germany. We also never won a game, not one game. For the other teams they never scored more than one point over us, the games were that tight. I was defense so were the two invited so what we were missing were offensive players.

I was just fine with losing, being last to be picked or anything of that nature because I felt my ship would come any day. Forty years of waiting. People ask what I do im my spare time, I respond by saying  oh  my hobby  is waiting for the tides to bring my ship in. What do you do gor fun? They stare back blankly blubbering golf, just golf.

Forty years and as each year went by plans sought revisions for a  remodel. I didn’t want tp refurbish.  Unhappily with the changes little by little my plans dwindled like my tears at the hair cuts not noticable at first.

Sitting too much in tbe truck this lamb heart finds the blight depressing. It’s not  so much my plans losts as it’s living with regrets. You’d think I’d learn from it. I don’t.

Lessons lost on this one, should I get my head examined or just an IQ checked? Maybe both going from working on being one of the best studio sound engineers moving on up to rock n roll record producers at sixteen to just wanting to be at home. Okay I am not that simple would like to
include being tucked at a desk writing movie scripts. I’m fifty -five is it too late to squeeze my way into the movie industry?

I ask this searching for a reply gazing outside of the cab is Virginia’s tall trees speckled with homes I’ve dreamt of never owned. I’ve never owned anything so I go back to my cells screen. I don’t want to pay attention to what I clearly can’t have and I really do not want to be called upon how late our load is. This load of veggies belongs to none other than the giant  Walmart and they dont mess around.

I don’t do late. My mom was late everywhere she went, an embarrassment in the sixties. Late at work is a no no so to explain why we were late. Late began before picking up our load by having mechanical issues. We  broke down. In tbe desert. One more factor we knew due date not the time. Time in freight is like anywhere else, important,  that bit missing got to our company ….we were late what we were was not this late!

So I drove hard, over throwing fears of driving, passing on the left, using tbat left lane,  all night long. Outside frieght for entertaient highways were dull. Dull is way better than the night before where it bored down in buckets on dark unstripped unlit roads. So another night overiding fear to have it all be invain? Shouldn’t having to ignore my need for potty breaks as much as I could get away with amount to something? Not in trucking it seems.

I am not a solo driver, my partner asleep didn’t get up when I did stop. Today he’s stopping and stopping. This is where I learn one more reason on why detesting this driving  so easy to do. I should be grateful I’m on  a truck working. This is a good thing. On the other hand I can complain about my unqualifications in keeping a  relationship going with the opposite sex. This eludes me.

I should be complacent during failures, relationships, sports and that ship. So for today being late sits disagreeable in the pit of my stomach. I don’t like it.

Feeling the efffects by a  sour taste  my hands reaches for a soft touch of my dog’s fur. Lou is soft his coatsoothes my displeasures with life. Greedily I check my other dog Daphne who peers from her bed (my bed) with loving brown peeps then I find the will to take a breather. My head lightens to see that my partner with kidney issues. Not his fault just bad timing is still at the wheel will have to deal with the retail giant I will sit quietly waiting for cues that if at all possible tell me when I’ll get off this road. I mutter a prayer ‘dear Lord please make it sooner than later’

I want off this truck. It doesn’t seem to matter that in the last five weeks made more money than ever. Money can buy alot but what it hasn’t provided is time with my  grandbaby. That’s all I want , write at home to earn enough to be with my Riley Roos. Driving a truck will not do that. Leaving this truck will cost about what it cost to get on too.. I’m here only because a company was willing to hire me, it has zero to do with desire.( It will help play apart in a script) Getting on board had a huge price, I lost my grandbaby, my cats, my birds and nearly my relatiomship with my son who did lose custody of his daughter as a direct result of poor pay from learning tbe truck business. In leaving the new price will be losing my partner.

I thought alot  about consequences the night before white knuckling in rain as I went from Kingmen Az all the way into Albuquerque NM. That’s when I took a break. I became mesmerized by  glitter suspended before my truck.
This was truly a sight in Albuquerque. Night sKy blacker than pitch a cloud stretched as a feather boa above glittery twinkling lights. Rainbow array of illumination floated out from overpasses released tension in my grip of the wheel, spreading upwards for the temples pounding. It didn’t last but returned wben entering Memphis TN the glitter won in gaining my attention.

When I tell people I drive a truck they automatically say how exciting. What an adventure it must be for you! I always say oh yes it’s quiet fun. Why should I say hell no its boring! Thats what I want to say but it feels rude. Think that’s why I stop by here. I haven’t told my partner tbat I hate this truck as he discusses what kind of truck he’d like ‘us’ to buy. Be can go on about what a great tie our future will be as truckers. I think uugh. I want my grand daughter, I samt a bathroom, I want to sleep in a nonmoving bed so I can wake ready to face the day with exercise, go gran a cup of tea from my kitchen and settle behind the keyboard to write.
I love the night lights love the lityle towns such as the one today Gordansville VA. I can ecperience it all better in a car. A truck is like beimg a child at a toy store window front.  He or she can see the shiny play things they can’t touch it. I can view but I can’t get involved. Trucks requires special parking then there’s time running against you. Time isn’t your friend as a driver. I have to watch it constantly to prevent violations yet somehow I lose whole days. Ho figure.

But I like the glitter and not the dull. Without dull highways I may not appreciate the glittery evenings as I find clues on where to get off.

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Waiting for that sound that’s all mine

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Waiting takes patience, so does typing on a cell phone atleast for today I have my reading glassed. It’s incredible how I lose items like my glasses inside a small space but I go days before they turn up. But this nlog’s subject isn’t about losing my stuff its about enduring waiting. Or are they really one in the same?…humm think there’s more to this.

I don’t believe enjoyment abounds being placed on hold. The calmist person looses cool when their call is routed to hold. Anger could be blamed on sitting there listening to computerized jazz music or simply named elevator musak. Tortious sounds entering sensitive eardrums well can elevate hatred for being on hold.  In life there’s no soundtrack when we are stopped. You wait in silence without cues on when it will end.

When it comes to this background ambience I’d go with …..ah oh can’t come up with a happy tune. First song to mind was the Beatles ‘Ticket to Ride’ it’s got a catchy beat lyrics are down right depressing.

Difficult part of choosing is that my music preference is heavy rock I love it! Absolutely love it and being on thr roaf there are some really terrific stations! Inbetween those great ones are the complete opposite of great then there’s static.  Lately I have been turning the Christian stations on.Sometimes its by choice too. Could I go with a soundtrack from this genre? Possibly  for now I couldn’t but when I do it will be upbeat, the kind that will put a jig in my step.

Do you feel it’s important to have a positive beat to live life through?

Reading helps me out but music stays completely in tack. What I read gets jumbled  mixed in ways  its lost. Meditating on words is a disaster. My mind won’t be quiet. It roams and strolls there is no hold button for me. My life goes on hold real well not my brain.

Holding in this holding pattern of my life will continue until I figure it out. Accepting it could be vital. One thing, for this lamb acceptance lasts until the next strife encountered. How do I hang on to acceptance  being able to find joy in isolation of being on hold?

They say trusting in God, allowing Jesus into your life brings joy woth a bonus of Hom filling in the holes of your life. The thing is I do believe Jesus is my saviour, even as the words in the Bible are lost on me.

Will I be kept from family and friends until I do get the Bible? The idea has me in tears as I type this out. I miss my family my friends who I haven’t seen on years.

Well they do say the Lord doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Can I handle enough to deal with this? Not much of a choice is there. So I will continue to look for that happy beat you know the one that has you hooked from the get go. There’s no question because your name is written in the rythmn that’s what I want for my soundtrack. So in waiting to get off of hold will be seeking out musicial beats to dance my life through. Not such a bad quest is it?

This pic is my truck  where I reside

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Thinkin’

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Thinking and thinking not much else to do but ponder what is life all about? Is it really necessary for me to be huddled inside the cab of a rig holding  corners down of  pavement at a truck stop? Why, why  can I opem up a couple of blogs and posts sparingly yet cannot make likes or comments to appear?

This is labor day wouldn’t it be more beneficial to be at home with my grandbaby over this truck lifestyle? I can go on forever with lines of guestioning of this nature but we all know that answers seldom come.

Left with no answers walked my dogs imagine illegally through a corm field s couple times between wandering isles of the Flying J. I  am not a shopper and if I were would have felt I was thrown into a shopper’s hell inside this store.

Flying J is an adequate truckers stop, not as well stocked as a Pilot marginally better than Loves but  all of the above superior to a TA. TA’s quess are fine fof nick nacks not so for this driver. Well today as it was yesterday holding the asphalt dowm at Flying J. Yesterday the task was easy I was exhausted had driven all night from Victorville Ca to Moundridge Ks. I thought when I got to California I was going home after fifteen days on the road.

Exhaustion I feel is bone weary as I picked up a gift card. Nice card actually gorgeous if I could afford it there would be very little chance of finding stamps and less a mail box for sending it off. Crawling back into the cab for hibernating read the few posts in my following lists.

Subjects seem to follow a central idea and that is God is in control and has us right where he wants us…..stuck in a truck at a truck stop? So I think some more…why?

Well I better hit the sack never know what yomorrow will take me to.  Before I go  would like thank those who have chosen to follow my blog. I can’t even get a good friend to hear my writings and a few of you have been kind enough to do so. I do love to write and would give a left arm to be better! In the wish department if I could formally offer thanks to you but my cell isn’t quite capable of doing so.

My thinking won’t shut off and if by some luck

one of you find my answer on why I am driving this truck could you pass the info on? If I stumble along one of your questions on life I will do my best to pass it along too.

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When is it right to say no?

We are hearing a ton of rhetoric on  Syria. Obama says poisonous gases were used on their own people. This naturally has me desiring to run off with his intentions of fixing these poor people! Then I look at all the moral decay of our own governments decisions so I must ask. ‘how much truth is there?’ We’ve been lied to before why not this time? And just who is the liar this time?

But who are the liars I ask again.  Is it the UN who said no to our president?

United Nations is an organization who’s mission is one I agree on yet it has done very little to help solve problems and it has been said this UN is to play an important role with New World order we hear so often about.

I  disagree with any attempts to bring about New World order maybe wrong here but it spells the end of world. My thoughts negatively explode with why are they saying nope to Obama?  Isn’t it the UN’s job to save the helpless? Or is it a  apart of this grand scheme that I feel is an evil Satan style agenda?

England declaring they will take no part and then injected how they would not be surprised if Obama goes ahead with attack when all have said no. I have to scratch my head when England doesn’t line up with us the United States.

His he wrong or right? Obama?

This president has fallen out of favor. I feel alot of things hes fought for have been a battle mostly because the Republicans want control and what better way than to make the current party look so dreadful to the voters eyes.  This alone has sickened my taste buds for all politians.  They seem to have zero concerns for the citizens of this fine nation unless its election time. We hear talk rarely do we witness any of their promises fulfilled. So getting  behind him our president can’t do anymore then again who could I get behind whole heartedly?

Back to my fears my guts reaction to these government officials in my book are scandalous. What can I say? We need health care and look at what they came up with! Fines for no coverage? We all want health insurance what we cannot pay is 500-900 a month for it. Then the nightmare provisions of these rumors of death panels. Are these rumors have truth or are the rumors liars too?

So many lies so many aweful  things have come along in these tough years. I am a designers assistant out of work  for years now a long haul truck driver. This is not me and there are millions of others like me working in fields we never dreamt of and we are the lucky ones. Many many are going without work without food or a roof over their heads. I just now saved my roof that I was being evicted from because of horrible wages.

Should I have joined the compaign of fast food worker needing a decent wage? Answer quickly pops up yes! But all that would happen is higher costs so in the end they the worker still lose while corporations profits are in the billions.

Corporations with Politians always win where citizens pay their bills. Just how deep are our pockets?

I have nothing left over for me so am I basing my no because of costs? Rapidly  back peddling to politians lies they have rained down on us.

I want a no because I don’t trust our officials. It doesn’t feel right and I can’t resolve myself to figure out just how to find the truth. Are Syrians being poisoned by their government? Why would a government benefit by killing its own people?

In the United States as a driver seen miles of GMO fields, seen the cattle sitting in filth so thick the air can be seen and the smell well is noxious. This isn’t healthy. Might explain cancer all the deseases people are dying from.

If you feel no is the answer please tell our president Obama. Don’t just complain, do something there is little time left to be complacent. America cannot afford to be idle. Support him or say no sitting on the fence isn’t action. We need to let them know that we citizens are here.