Dull and glittery

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Driving a truck tediously along highways can be let’s say it boringly dull! Dull dull dull yeah that extremely kind of dimmness that my wits are so besotted with themselves  they retreat into an  oblivion of nothingness. I had to take action! Right? 

Isn’t that what humans do, amimals go along with agendas,  people don’t. We change what we don’t care to deal with at least that’s what I try to do.  To break this down further try is the optimum word.

Rarely my deviations from what I dont care for meets with success.
Losing out I succeed in.  So good at that I am becoming a champion  losing. A champ prepares for their game mentally and physically. My mentally is this I am never surprised by my out comes. Those attempts for prosperity seldom meets my expectations.

My high ideas falling flat  can be  frustrating but  that’s okay. Edison took one thousand stabs at creating a lightbulb but he did get it done so what if it takes a thousand or ten thousand for that matter to reach what I want? Isn’t is worth it to gain from this world  what is desirable for my life?  I do believe it’s worth while.

When I was full of piss and vinegar as a teenager had elaborate plans. I dreamt of it took courses studied my brains out then life stepped in, a practical jokes on you blew  through  my door.Seventeen two short  months from independence is when derailment occurred. I wasn’t too worried if it came that easily it’ll show up again. So I believed! What I would pay for a crystal ball but none accurate enough to purchase I  tottled on my way through life.

I hadn’t known the word defeat and if I did would mot surrender to it.  Sure  pain as a child.was known. My mother made certain of it by  cutting my hair for to look like Twiggy.  That bad cut went on for two years until entering my ninth year of life. I looked like a cross dressing boy. Tears streamed down these cheeks of mine, invisibly  she never noticed.

Pain I knew , a different lose I knew too.  I was apart of the first AYSO (a soccer league) we played well. Well enough two of our girls where invited to play in Germany. We also never won a game, not one game. For the other teams they never scored more than one point over us, the games were that tight. I was defense so were the two invited so what we were missing were offensive players.

I was just fine with losing, being last to be picked or anything of that nature because I felt my ship would come any day. Forty years of waiting. People ask what I do im my spare time, I respond by saying  oh  my hobby  is waiting for the tides to bring my ship in. What do you do gor fun? They stare back blankly blubbering golf, just golf.

Forty years and as each year went by plans sought revisions for a  remodel. I didn’t want tp refurbish.  Unhappily with the changes little by little my plans dwindled like my tears at the hair cuts not noticable at first.

Sitting too much in tbe truck this lamb heart finds the blight depressing. It’s not  so much my plans losts as it’s living with regrets. You’d think I’d learn from it. I don’t.

Lessons lost on this one, should I get my head examined or just an IQ checked? Maybe both going from working on being one of the best studio sound engineers moving on up to rock n roll record producers at sixteen to just wanting to be at home. Okay I am not that simple would like to
include being tucked at a desk writing movie scripts. I’m fifty -five is it too late to squeeze my way into the movie industry?

I ask this searching for a reply gazing outside of the cab is Virginia’s tall trees speckled with homes I’ve dreamt of never owned. I’ve never owned anything so I go back to my cells screen. I don’t want to pay attention to what I clearly can’t have and I really do not want to be called upon how late our load is. This load of veggies belongs to none other than the giant  Walmart and they dont mess around.

I don’t do late. My mom was late everywhere she went, an embarrassment in the sixties. Late at work is a no no so to explain why we were late. Late began before picking up our load by having mechanical issues. We  broke down. In tbe desert. One more factor we knew due date not the time. Time in freight is like anywhere else, important,  that bit missing got to our company ….we were late what we were was not this late!

So I drove hard, over throwing fears of driving, passing on the left, using tbat left lane,  all night long. Outside frieght for entertaient highways were dull. Dull is way better than the night before where it bored down in buckets on dark unstripped unlit roads. So another night overiding fear to have it all be invain? Shouldn’t having to ignore my need for potty breaks as much as I could get away with amount to something? Not in trucking it seems.

I am not a solo driver, my partner asleep didn’t get up when I did stop. Today he’s stopping and stopping. This is where I learn one more reason on why detesting this driving  so easy to do. I should be grateful I’m on  a truck working. This is a good thing. On the other hand I can complain about my unqualifications in keeping a  relationship going with the opposite sex. This eludes me.

I should be complacent during failures, relationships, sports and that ship. So for today being late sits disagreeable in the pit of my stomach. I don’t like it.

Feeling the efffects by a  sour taste  my hands reaches for a soft touch of my dog’s fur. Lou is soft his coatsoothes my displeasures with life. Greedily I check my other dog Daphne who peers from her bed (my bed) with loving brown peeps then I find the will to take a breather. My head lightens to see that my partner with kidney issues. Not his fault just bad timing is still at the wheel will have to deal with the retail giant I will sit quietly waiting for cues that if at all possible tell me when I’ll get off this road. I mutter a prayer ‘dear Lord please make it sooner than later’

I want off this truck. It doesn’t seem to matter that in the last five weeks made more money than ever. Money can buy alot but what it hasn’t provided is time with my  grandbaby. That’s all I want , write at home to earn enough to be with my Riley Roos. Driving a truck will not do that. Leaving this truck will cost about what it cost to get on too.. I’m here only because a company was willing to hire me, it has zero to do with desire.( It will help play apart in a script) Getting on board had a huge price, I lost my grandbaby, my cats, my birds and nearly my relatiomship with my son who did lose custody of his daughter as a direct result of poor pay from learning tbe truck business. In leaving the new price will be losing my partner.

I thought alot  about consequences the night before white knuckling in rain as I went from Kingmen Az all the way into Albuquerque NM. That’s when I took a break. I became mesmerized by  glitter suspended before my truck.
This was truly a sight in Albuquerque. Night sKy blacker than pitch a cloud stretched as a feather boa above glittery twinkling lights. Rainbow array of illumination floated out from overpasses released tension in my grip of the wheel, spreading upwards for the temples pounding. It didn’t last but returned wben entering Memphis TN the glitter won in gaining my attention.

When I tell people I drive a truck they automatically say how exciting. What an adventure it must be for you! I always say oh yes it’s quiet fun. Why should I say hell no its boring! Thats what I want to say but it feels rude. Think that’s why I stop by here. I haven’t told my partner tbat I hate this truck as he discusses what kind of truck he’d like ‘us’ to buy. Be can go on about what a great tie our future will be as truckers. I think uugh. I want my grand daughter, I samt a bathroom, I want to sleep in a nonmoving bed so I can wake ready to face the day with exercise, go gran a cup of tea from my kitchen and settle behind the keyboard to write.
I love the night lights love the lityle towns such as the one today Gordansville VA. I can ecperience it all better in a car. A truck is like beimg a child at a toy store window front.  He or she can see the shiny play things they can’t touch it. I can view but I can’t get involved. Trucks requires special parking then there’s time running against you. Time isn’t your friend as a driver. I have to watch it constantly to prevent violations yet somehow I lose whole days. Ho figure.

But I like the glitter and not the dull. Without dull highways I may not appreciate the glittery evenings as I find clues on where to get off.

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