Archive | October 2013

Expressing Thyself

Have you ever been dying to express yourself? Exaggerating it maybe. Dying is too strong a word. How does pining sound to your ears? The thing is it feels as if the only people will understand me will take some form of extreme antics…. like say death.

Okay saying what’s on my mind is a trivial thing without a doubt. It is an obsession. Why? Why is this so important to spill my guts? Is there anything that I could offer that’s worth hearing? Eek gads! There’s that choking reflex by the notion that I would have important information that this world. Me??… Say something that the world couldn’t  get by without? Does this place need to hear tidbits of a lost little lamb?

 Pretty hysterical isn’t it? Well it may be crazy but I cannot deny this pull for expression. Whether it’s based on self-indulgence or a calling (there’s that choking sensation) I must go along. Hard to fight when it’s so strong to do so.

So I want to shoot my mouth off no big deal; who doesn’t? There’s a big but to insert here. You see I spend most of my days trapped in a very confined space. This space is so small that a shoebox would offer more room but this isn’t a box it’s the cab of an eighteen wheeler. If you’re a Prius this is gigantic but if this were your home it’s awfully tight when the duration is 24/7. I was a terrible couch potato at home so this sitting around is agonizing on my rear end and my mind.

To not be grating nails on a chalk board in whines to my partner chose to close myself off. I hadn’t considered the repercussions. Not one bit and I hadn’t caught the problem and no it’s not repaired either.  Why would hushing it up bring issues to light? Well it’s this one simple thing it’s effected my tongue. So quiet is has been, so still with expressions in words. I haven’t rebuked someone’s opinions which are in direct contrast to my morals. As I am working on this weeks have gone by my mouth remains diligent in silence.  

Strange my friends very odd on how my psychic works!  There have been occasions when I can fully express thy self. I could taste all the seasonings for speech and that’s when the shoe drops.  I’m  uninspired into speechlessness. Why is that? It could astound a person with how silent echoes through my barren head.

Is this apart of human nature; we always want what we don’t or can’t have? Take for instance hair; mine is these strains of fine limp hair. This stuff impersonating hair is straight as can be while my partner’s hair is thick with rich luscious curls in a beautiful shade of brunette. My color they termed appropriately dishwater blonde. He of course doesn’t care for those curls; the nerve of that man! 

So my silence isn’t because I chose to be quiet it’s because of not liking my situation. I know I need to face the dreaded dissatisfaction. Hard when it’s so easy to be that way. I longed for freedom. No strings attached kind of freedom.  Suddenly there gone (to a certain extent) and I am loathing the experience to the point that buckets of tears have soaked my pillow nightly just so I can be returned to my former bondage.

Take last night it rained in Arkansas and Oklahoma that might have been my tears spilling I am terrified of driving a truck in rain and my tear ducts never dried up.

To get rid of dissatisfaction feel creating equalized balance in my world would alleviate some of my issues. Balancing an act is difficult. When I’m writing a story my aim is to form reason and meaning behind my words. I want the reader can sense it’s believable while this is the ideal situation rarely do I get my point across.  My walk has evolved into an event resembling a push in pull contest.

I tug life tugs back; creating a war that rages on. Life’s tugs are good to, nailing my feet so I am off kilter. That tightrope in the writer’s creative process has nothing on bringing about balance in my own life. My goodness this walk has loosened the marbles that once fit very nicely inside my brains. These spheres are actually tumbling out. It’s any ones guess where to taking my dreams with them. Dreams that held a perfect future the one I want. Make a note it’s what I want I have no idea what The Lord’s plans are for this lamb as of this date.

What I am to be what I am to correct is the reason for my blog. This site is really an exercise hoping the workout will sweat to the surface what’s really important. I never think of myself as a hoarder but this on top of my shoulders needs a good spring cleaning.

There are shelves stuffed to the brim of useless behaviors, but I hang on to stuff. I’ve never regretted throwing out a bag of stinky trash as for the litter in my life I hold it with a firm grip. It smells to the high heavens and these fingertips cleave to odious debris as if it were a slice of cheesecake. I know it’s not healthy it’s harmful chemicals but I’m powerless to do anything about it. It seems to my psychic, its goodness filled with desirable content. In the meanwhile chemical trails filters through crisscrossing to every person on my path; needling on those I love the hardest. My fingertip won’t lessen up on it. Why do I need to behold what should be removed from my habits?

Balance I need that’s for sure, making myself heard is true but maybe it’s best to wait for comprehension. I can understand so much and then there’s things I cannot get a handle on. Bringing my blog site back into play the title “Learning my path towards God” yet I rarely discuss the Bible. Well sorry to say; simply I do not understand it. Not one word can be wrapped around this pretty little head. There is one thought that bouncing from time to time – maybe I am not one of God’s chosen peoples.

I’m sure someone is tapping their foot thinking “oh now I see the garbage she’s talking about.” How can I tell as a person? Would it come from hearing others speaking of their relationship with The Lord or read others experiences? So far when it comes to listening and reading it can be enjoyable and it can seriously hurt too. Excruciating pain is by finding out how many are getting it, when I’m not. So it’s clear I can get envious, nothing to be proud I am recognizing  an error but I do that a lot comparing my life with others. The others isn’t always people sometimes it harbors from what I have deemed to be expectations from life.

Anyone say self- absorbed? True, s true but I can feel others discomfort. Like this government shutdown. Believe me as a truck driver I have been hit between the eyes. I was losing everything anyways but crimany did they have to come along and snatch the crumbs too? Well it’s hit far reaches of the country and I am deciding  do I keep my tongue still or shoot my mouth off?

Since I am not blessed with brilliance as a matter of fact have no idea what I skills or talents I have been given, apparently it’s  zero I will make a small list of what I would say if I were gifted enough to express they self. Since I am dying to express this is how I would like to make it: as an open letter.

Dear Members of Congress and the White House,

Good afternoon men and women who hold positions in important governmental chairs that belong to these United States as country I am proud to state that I am an American.  I would like to say to you the Representatives, Senators, all of the President’s cabinets including the president himself you have lately made a mockery of what this country means to me.

This began when each of you have forgotten that it is you who serves the citizens of this fine nation. You serve you are paid by  hard working Americans in all walks of life, Middle class and yes the poverty class too, the farmer, bank tellers,  office clerks, airline stewards, teachers,  mechanics, that teenager handing you your order at the drive thru, people in lower governmental offices like the custodial, file clerks, fire and police departments, etc.

Retirees slaved for years creating a strong healthy country, so sorry to inform you that Social Security we pay into is ours not yours! There people working in banks, hospitals, government entities, the military laying their life on the line and not one of did this just so you all can sit on your fannies getting paid way too much for a poor job! Personally I feel every American is entitled to withhold their taxes until you all get your performances up to standard.

No more will I sit idle as you erase our Bill of Rights, editing the constitution that our forefather fought to bring to life for the freedom of every citizen. Not  one of you has fought for our freedoms and you have butchered those precious God given rights since all you members have taken a seat in offices.

Before stripping people (yes they are human beings) of food stamps, an education, medical care, Social Security, military benefits, you first must start with yourselves. I do not want to pay for your free medical coverage, I do not want to pay for your million dollar retirement petition, I do not want to pay for your cooks, your drivers, you expensive meals and I really do not want to pay so that you can place into law my restrictions from complaining about what a horrible job you are doing, I do not want to have my right granted by the Bill of Rights to bear arms. Hasn’t anyone learned from what happened when alcohol was banded? If you forgot look it up it was call the Prohibition era. It was amended because it was a disaster.

Before I run my mouth too far I better rein myself in. Maybe being quiet is better?

 P.S. I may not be apart of God’s plan I have no intentions of giving up! I will continue to pursue a relationship with Christ.