Tag Archive | blogging

Choices

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I have been gone a long time,to the point it was forgotten that these paths were crossed before. Word Press is and has always been a great affair, one of my favorites in looking through the follies. Days and nights have gone by in a blur with the way this world works at keeping it hectic, Word Press is a blessing. When I was involved I’d carve out a piece of quiet and type my thoughts, like now.

In my office the phones are quiet (yes by the way I did find a away off that truck and not a moment too soon might I add!) my phone gave this little whistle yesterday. I answered a few calls with curiosity on what was being brought to my attention. Business had to be taken care of and in it’s course the little tune was forgotten. Today’is quiet, a pin could be heard descending to the floor. That tune played it again and there it was Word Press. The joy in seeing those two little words! Then finding out that someone found my blogs? A treat to a quiet world, just me and the clock ticking. Naturally given nothing better I jumped at the chance to see what was read, Hearing Deficit.

Yes Word Press was good therapy and it is also a place to remember where you were. I am so much further than where I was then but some how have gotten so much closer to God. The truck did offer shelter but little else. The idea of having a partner was exciting until I counted costs, this didn’t even dawn on me until the other day. That temporary fix was nothing more than a placebo. Just like Our Lord foretold,the side effects were worst than ever imagined.

All that was wanted was love, to be acknowledged that I could be alive as it’s sold in movies and commercials. Even I who is currently working on a second script leave out unpleasant scenes for time sake and the knowledge that movie goers go for escaping into a world totally unlike their own. Truth we don’t want, fantasy is desirable and that was what I wanted.

Satan lies so well doesn’t he? It seems like a reasonable choice, trade in loneliness to get someone at your side. There would be no price paid if anything the offering would be worth so much more. Tired alone, plunged for the love, Satan snickers while I began to pay the bills for sin.

I had heard of Satan ever since the days as a Catholic school girl, pictures of him are scary. As an adult told he’s really rather handsome and slick with the sales pitch. Thought his spiel would be recognizable and it would be a lie if I said I didn’t recognize it; it was just my desperation winning out is all.

Today, yes I am tired and I have fallen further than imaginable but I am no longer desperate, Jesus took care of that! Now I look forward to what else He can fix. Jesus is the Lord and Savior to little lambs as me and it’s a good thing He’s strong, attentive and patient. There’s a lot of work for Him to do in this Lost Lamb.

There is is also truth in what’s said about Lambs. They do not survive well on their own, yet I’d rather be a lamb at my Saviors side than a lion on his own. Beside male lion given a choice will eat their own young.

Hearing Deficit

IMG_1118Lost in life is what I am. More than just a lost lamb who can easily be mislead. It used to be when ever I was confused on which direction to go while driving I’ve been able to find a friendly gas station attendant or a kind person to call upon. These people who help were so cute! They’d point this way then that way offering tidbits of what to look for besides street signs and because of their help  I am back on the road with in minutes heading in the right direction with confidence.

Not in life there’s not much to look for that can be seen in guidance on what to do. I’ve tried praying and I do still keep at the prayers with wanting so badly to hear pointers. I gotta change my direction but where to?  With my hearing deficit this may not be the right thing to do. Asking God for help is proper it’s the right thing right? But I cannot hear well especially when it comes to our Lord. This lamb misunderstands everything which is why I’ve stuck myself in this cockamamie truck driving!

Now that I am here I’ve got to get off this truck but I’ve got nothing, no home, no car so who’s going to hire me? I was an assistant to designers a position that has gone bye bye. This is why I am lost in life. College at my age would this help? I’m 55 going on 56 another ding for not being prime candidate for hire. With such poor pay as a driver my bills are on unpayed. Ah my list of excuses.

I know I’m opening myself too much on this posting but I have no where to turn. My good buddy her advice is to file legal papers on my employers. Right or wrong this is against my nature. Her points are valid, really valid but this isn’t my way. She also wants me to give up my partner. It only took me thirty years to find this guy and he came along when I wasn’t looking either. A man in your in life is not always the answer but at this junction I do need him. It’s not a money thing, it’s having someone right there for me. He messes up like men do but he tries; even with this he cannot offer up guidance for what turns I should make. I want it right I do not want anymore mistakes,  painful these misjudgments are to bear.

Does anyone have a solid strategy on how to get out from under mess such as this? I’m game, could use some fresh ideas!

As far as knowing what I want I know it. My ambition is to write scripts, Hollywood movie screenplays. I am not great with books or at developing quality blogs but this lost lamb can write one hell of an awesome script. I am not young, not independently wealthy, tried writing in the truck that was interesting, converter  trips turning the computer off in process, all the time. Hard on the eyes too with the jiggles With all these issues I’m not going to give up on scripts, they may not go any where still they fill me with satisfaction that I could never have imagined. My kids bring as much happiness as they do aggravation, my grand daughter pure joy right up there with writing screenplays.

Coming to the end of this posting and I have no clearer picture on what I need to do from what I want to do but as it has been for sometime I must exit that truck. How do I do it gracefully without creating more chaos? I keep asking God and I am sure he’s given suggestions but this hearing deficit I don’t receive the instructions. Lost in transition I guess.

Most likely I should have just posted these photos of my grand-baby. She’s adorable and far more interesting than my ramblings.

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A Rare Movie Night

downloadFor the last decade it’s been rare to be a part of movie night and there I was part taking in cinema feature. Exciting to have a break from the norm and it’s actually when the movie happens to be like the one I saw. Though I would have to say exciting has elements which seem to hold tingling sensations tainted in confusion.  When one like me has had to get used to dragging a fifty three foot trailer everywhere she goes and it wasn’t there in the back. Strange experience yet completely satisfying to not have this huge butt. As for the movie night if one can’t be with family and friends for Christmas this was a good choice.

A movie was a last minute decision realizing we were heading back out by my co-driver slash partner. I was set on spending my precious time catching up on what I have missed by not having wifi. It wasn’t easy but so worth it.Getting this day of Christmas off wasn’t a simple task and had to actually to put my foot down to receive this break. Months on the road is driving me into the loony bin.A foot stomping temper tantrum isn’t an action to be proud of but it worked to get what was emotionally and physically needed.

Deciding on a movie can be tricky when you’re cut off from the world. I’ve seen no trailers or articles of recommendations so I went with what posters were appealing. Wolf of  Wall Street with Leonardo DiCaprio, intrigued by the casting of Jonah Hill and Colin Farrell. Then there was Grudge Match instantly I think of Rocky meets Raging Bull. Almost did it but either one were hitting the do it button. Same with Saving Mr. Banks. That one not understanding why not when you have  Tom Hanks and Emma Thompson. Though there were some very good choices I went with The Secret Life of Walter Mitty and may I say not only it worth  it it was the perfect film.

tbn_28dd37a4b93b9e21The Secret life of Walter Mitty is the right kind of movie for my taste buds.These kinds of film do what good food does, it feeds both the body and soul. This movie was delicious for all the senses, my eyes were feasting on locations; dialogue so nutritious my cerebral and nervous system were in use while being relaxed in giddiness.

Years ago I managed a video store and unlike my current vocation where I feel defective there at that store I was in tuned to the last Hollywood productions. Today I’m lost. What made me successful I think was in my ability in directing people towards smaller films.

Personally I enjoy plots getting into characters, where we try to understand all the whats, why and who they are. Problem is these tend to have little action and not enough for most I suspect. For my customers who came to me this is what they were after and I tell you I would have steered those people towards this particular film. To think back I would have turned all into The Secret life of Walter Mitty because it has everything for anybody.

Ben Stiller out did  himself as director and actor. The casting perfect, filming and photography and scene settings outstanding and there was not one flaw unless you count it having ended and tomorrow I am back on the road. Too short. Film wasn’t short it was more than a couple hours but they breezed right by and was sad it ended.

Well I gotta go, tomorrow comes all too soon and it will be a long time before I get to sleep in a non moving bed. So as in the Ben Stiller’s movie I am going to move into dangerous territory by having decided that by January 31, 201 I will be out of that truck even if I must reside in a tent in the middle of the desert. Life is way to short to spend time in an occupation that leaves one in tears each night and I have shed a tear every single say since it all began. That’s a long time and after spending a day with my grand-baby I’ve missed too much already.

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First pic – clipart found on Google along with second pic from The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.

Third pic is of my grand daughter

 

Underneath an opal sky

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This morning there was a sigh seeping from lips before climbing out to meet the day head on. The harsh cold had easied up on my opening of the cocoon disquised as a truck. I needed to run my fanny quickly for the infamous rest room instead  another sigh was muttered by me. This time it was for relief being in St Joseph Missouri. The chill softed by a warm sun; wind was absent until after my lunch. A break in weather gave my mood a lift much needed these days.

I think the other healing ointment to my temperment being more pleasant came simply through sleep. Yesterday I was a mess then by around noon bitterness seethe. Anger would have been apart if it didn’t require so much energy, this wasn’t to be. Ten bottles of the Five Hour couldn’t get me to budge another minute. Bitterness is work I know all too well but it was sealed within when a parade of trucks kept me from parking. As annoying as they were  a prayer was uttered to stay put. This itty bitty prayer was answered, we were there until a reasonable hour this morning.

Day in day out all days are the same. I get up I drive or I wait to drive. This is all the variation it gets. I wonder what this can be all about, then I must stop, thinking is a killer to my mood. To take my mind off of the mundaness I search  outdoors. Internet is ususally not available wishing it could be to write topical blogs. It’s not so I can’t. Facebook manages a way to work and if you think my posts on my job  are bad you’d really hate my opinion of Facebook.  Anyways to sum up my day my cab is dull.

My partner as in my better half and codriver he is the best and worst for me. He’s awesome which means I’m  driving. This makes him the worst part because otherwise I’d be long gone. How long can we last like this?

Can’t think, thinking is the real enemy to my situation. Outside I stare. It worked this morning wedged on a twin mattress with my dear and two dogs. Up in the skylight a flock of geese passed by. I stayed put watching them go by then reappear. After my lunch we got going again bound for Amarillo Texas. Another grouping of birds moved my attitude wishing I could be as carefree as they.

It worked for a while. Searching the outer world for birds. I’ve seen falcons, raven, hawks golden eagles and my favorite the geese.  My least favorite is the owl. One great owl ate my cats. Not a violent person but I did have plans to have it meet it’s maker. I didn’t do it and as far as I know that owl is still eating cats.

When there were no more birds to be seen a sunset came along salvaging this lamb from murkiness. There’s something quite spectacular being under an opal sky as if heaven could be stepped into. Me being on the road as a passenger thought my partner could drive inside the pearly gates. As a driver paranoid one to boot I miss more than you think. Eyes on the road, I sigh. But wait another hook yanks me out. In Wichita Kansas a church steeple lit beautifully ah it’s so lovely. My cell tied up writing and it doesn’t do night shots well either so I cannot share with you. So here’s my opal sky over Kansas.
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Yeah I got a little snap happy.

Oh it’s my day?

I leapt with joy reading our daily prompt ‘Festivus for the rest if us’ah to think me a ruler! What a scream but oh the thrills of allowing an imagination to roam free. Free to be in charge  with a devious mental state high on alert mode. Would I bring chaos or fix it all?

So now that I am ruler what day shall I have all you my subjects to pay thee?

Christmas being around the corner why not  make  it take over? Humm love the idea. Color love the hues in use and it’s everywhere, strings of lights decorate our homes, trees, nooked into creaves. Even me on a big rig see rigs glistening in Christmasy array of colorful lights.

Ribbons, boxes and bows bring out a hidden child forgotten most days exceot at this holiday season. Music in the air unlocking past and present friendships reminding us what’s truly important.

A joyous occasion to be sure it also a very costly extravagant affairs. Costs us dearly until tear drench wallets are empty. Then there’s the preliminaries, stress. We know we cannot afford gifts but the hardship of not giving is too much to bear so we head on juggling bills what ever it takes to not show up empty handed. So no I cannot take away nor add any more burdens besides this is The Lord’s day in celebrating the birth of His son Jesus Christ and I don’t think he expects us to turn a glorious day into a hardship.

Maybe I’ll try for spring, Easter seems like a fun day. Adorable bunnies, yellow peeps to eat not too great to taste but they sure are cute. No basket can go without. Outside weather in the spring being all to iffy Easter also belongs to The Lord a day we should honor fully, it only cost Jesus His son his only child blood, pain then finally death so that we may live. I don’t know where bunnies fit into this day but I certainly do not.

I could leap back past winter into autumn. Fall leaves, scents of fresh logs in hearth drift outdoors when the air becomes crisp as apples. Yumm to the apple pies, pots of stew and home created soups easy to digest and we can hide the delishes meals by layers of clothes. September to December personally my favorite but busy times what with schools getting started, raking up leaves, more involved meals, more laundry by those extra layers. We must not forget costumes for the little ones at Halloween, deep house cleaning for guests arriving during Thanksgiving. No Autumn doesn’t leave much room for me.

Summer does follow spring right? You know there’s something to be said about summer. This is the only time if the year where people accept that one must take a time out, a reprieve from the hussle and bussle of the rat race. Weather tends to be counted on and not too warm if planned early enough. Late summer hot as hell but perfect for pools, beaches and mountain retreats.  So what day shall this ruler pick for being celebrated?

Ah yes this day is best I tell you! This is the one day not too hot not to cold never asks for gifts or for too much participation unless you do not enjoy pot lucks or BBQ’s. I happen to relish them so I am going with the Fourth if July. You got all the colors of Christmas in patriotic bunting. Flags wave freely as bunnies during Easter. Food abounds all seasons and holidays as much it flows from charcoaled grills celebrating the birth of a nation. After the feasts we  lie back on a blanket scented by lush green grass waiting for the sun to be replaced by a moon. Then comes so many oohs and aahs for firework shows.

If I were ruler if it really up to this lost lamb I think this is how a holiday should be! A special time with friends, dear family making it easy relaxing and soothing for the soul.

I’d ask for the fireworks and the festivities not for me as a ruler but as a joint effort to pay homeage to the one and only ruler, the only one who has control. Food for returning what blessings He has bestowed. Fireworks well they are awesone like Him, powerful, awe inspiring and just plan magnificent like The Lord himself.

This is what I think He intended a time of togetherness, glorious joy of a child who had given His life so that we may not have to live in darkness. Well I not know too much  I am as guilty of turning a charming very special event as Christmas time into a stressful guilt ridden human mess. Since I am weight down with faults I will relinquish my post as ruler and hand it over to my Lord and Savoir Jesus Christ.

Thin ice

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Most people I mean the ones who are fortunate to own half a brain and then use it. You know those kind of humans are causious even avoid it when there’s thin ice around and this is the opening season for ice.

I love those squared off chunks in my beverages in a tall glass…humm so refreshing! Nothing like a Coca Cola  poured over frozen cubes, like a child I rush in to vaccuum up all the tiny bubbles before they disappear.  More often than not a chilled soda pop does the trick.  Then there are days like say this one where I could give my left arm for a margarita doused liberally in  Corralejio tequila (my personal favorite.)  Outside my day needed to be closed much earlier than it was drinking isn’t my style and prohibited by my trade. This though it may not be me it still goes on with all the don’t get to do lists. I swear this tally is the length of my right forearm and this is the reason for not giving up this particular limb for a binge. That arm is way too busy tracking what I hate about my job, don’t even want know what it would takes to make a transfer so the left side of me is expendable should I ever deside its worth letting go of, for now I’ll keep both arms firmly attached and the fermented agave in the bottle.

I sure have a nasty habit of going wayward in my blogs, guess you can see why I called myself the Lost Lamb. So to get back on course which is this winter’s embrace. That kind gift of ice it so generously embellishes everything it can get it’s frosty breath on. There’s icicles beauties to behold, geodesic designs on window panes bringing a cozy warm cheer and what about how it forms into sculptures using tree trunks as their foundations a fest to look apond. Oh how I sighed passing frozen ponds imagining old flicks of skaters outdoors dressed wearing plush ear and hand muffs just like Norman Rockwell’s Saturday Evening Posts. This lasted less than a half second of being lost in make believe memories.

I enjoy a good fantasy and to have it shortened by a meer second is just fine in my book but what makes it go away was well I gotta keep my eyes on the road especially to the  ugly side of beauty in winter. Yeah there’s a true hideous nature held in its infamous doings… black ice.

Yep I said it black ice. We all know it those who have lived in weather. So like everyone else I hate it with a passion. Hate is a strong word I know but I do have tremendous respect for the power this kind of ice welds which is why I tend let it have it’s way. It can have all the highway and walkways at night as I avoid being out when ever possible.

As a single mother this didn’t work out so well avoiding winter and as a pizza delivery person not at all! I ran out into the storms while all others came indoors. Now that I am driving a truck this should be no big deal and to say it isn’t is a bold face lie. I am terrified. I’ve seen the consequences of being out in nasty weather. I’ve also dealt with the impact of inexperienced drivers on black ice. I didn’t like the results then and it doesn’t sit well with me as a beginner truck driver. Oh rhe accidents I’ve seen with rigs.

Personally I have no idea on how anyone gets any satisfaction out of this line of work. So far I cannot win for losing. Runs are always behind, never making deadlines. Sometimes its in scheduling, usually in my case its getting loaded phase that places a dent in travel. At this moment being unloaded at one causing another new load to be on crunch time. Last load its all of the above and them some.

I was going to rattled on but a new follower has very sweetly begun following my blog. Yippy! My phone is still holding me back from ‘Likes’ and follow buttons and being so exhausted I can’t get his blog page right so you can check it out. At any rate his is an wake up call. I shouldn’t be complaining whem so many are seriously doing worst. Yes I am homeless but I do have this truck shielding me from the elements and harm to a certain extend.

Wake up calls are good and I know it but why can’t I snap out of this fear of driving? It circles over my head by day creeps into my nights invading my dreams and at the same time I hear my grandbaby’s voice through the phone and I miss her so. So all I think about is this will pass once I accept this situation. Embrace my fear but I cannot. Oh I try I laugh at my partners jokes, they really are funny you know. He’s a good man good company. But with trucking comes sleep deprivation and when I’m exhausted I can’t keep all the good juices flowing. Words from what little I know from the Bible. Today its ‘ as I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil’. Think I need a more uplifting word from The Book.

Worst part is winter won’t be offical for another week or so. A tent maybe I should buy one….humm…thinking out loud. Skating on thin ice is not in my nature anymire than downing a bottle of tequila.
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Unknownly

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It hadn’t ocurred to this day on how much I miss reading the daily posts as I worked at my own blogs. I’ve said a thing or two before as well as whole postings of missing out also; this my web friends is sitting deeper into my being. Now I really don’t want to get into my whole sour attitude of truck driving, personally tired of the subject and complaining has not solved my issues. Big but, but here it is I miss being an active part of Word Press as much as I miss my family out here on the road.

Once in a great while I get to view a post or too and when I do it makes my brain do something it doesn’t get too often….think. Wow its like a true blessing unknown to most, reading? Well it is for this lamb. Some of you challenge me with ideas, my position on moral values, political, then there’s simple notions on living, designing and fashion, not only do I like this feel its needed too.

Well at any rate I struggle daily with my walk towards the Lord, seems my time with Word Press helped since my block head is to hard headed to grasp the Bible. I know this walk isn’t easy for anyone but it seems that many do so much better and it looks really good on them too. They seem to be tailored made like a fitted suit or dress on a model. As a small person clothes rarely look of proper fit on me and with time my fight to keep weight on reversed itself to now I am losing the battle of the bulge and truck driving does not help! So my walk resembles an ill fitted suit. I am afraid of what a sight I must be for The Lord.

Embarrassed by my walk I say too much and not enough of the right words. Sometimes I feel as though my break through would come at the time of discovering a purpose to my life. I felt blogging was part of that purpose then it was taken away. So review was needed and I wasn’t balanced, more time on blogging than on The Lord. I didn’t say much on Him not because  I knew nothing to say. So many unanswered questiond and expectations on what I thought I was to feel and experience, these still remain my trouble. So I press on.

In the meantime had a great conversation with my oldest son. We don’t get to speak with each other very often and this was one of those special moments I will hang on to for a long, long time. It was Thanksgiving Day, I had awaken in tears hating my life completely. Love my partner love my two dogs on the road with me but I cannot handle missing my family and friends. I now have no home to call home a fresh wound to get over do I moped the day of thanks. I beat myself up wishing I could give a honest thank you for my Lord. It wasn’t there to give. I said my thanks for the day that comes it will be real, this was when I was able reach my son Steffan.

My son is an interesting man who fulfilled my desire for strong independant thinkers. He is quirky, fun, caring individual as he should be. This wasn’t the conversation his strenghts it was his fortune in being able to prosper in todays world if commerce. He found out what he’s good at, loves doing it and as the saying goes money has followed. It’s not a ton but he can keep his roof over his head. This is the thing I heard through the cell, it wasn’t his wealth ( none there) it was his confidence his soul purpose as he gets to use his hands to create products people want. This seemingly simple line of work connects him with others around the globe. He’s happy, his life is not perfect, he’s going through a divorce he did not want been in two bad motorcycle accidents yet these set backs haven’t held him back. He’s doing what he loves.

Our conversation took to higher ground proving to me again how I got lucky in raising my boys, he spoke about the need for Americans to buy from the small shops over these ruthless corporate places. Most smaller establishments provide a good product over cheaply made goods giant box dealers have. This my partner and I have been trying to do our best on. Having a truck (another thorn in my side) only allows us to do business where we can park. My plans of being better person fails.

However on the few occasions  we have been able to dine in mom and pop establishments, talk about getting your dollars worth. Food was delicious and comforting and serve was friendly. Now in most places I patronize service is very good it feels more personable in the smaller diners is all.
I also unknowingly hadn’t known that ourside the state of California that the tipped workers made so little. I am appalled by this news!

Being on the road I see tons of stuff but getting involved doesn’t come with trucking; isolated into a small cab is all the experience has. One thing I do see is multitudes of chain restaurants. There’s a Cracker Barrel and Waffle House on every street corner through out these United States all except for California. I scratched head wondering why not California? Well I found out why no Cracker Barrels so I am assuming Waffle Houses have the same reasoning and it this! Are you ready? They will not pay California’s wage requirement! Can you believe that? I am disgusted my their values that my very hard earned dollars will never ever be handed over to them.

Think of the greedy Wal Marts and other insitutions we patronize on how they are doing everything they can to cut out the American citizens from earning a decent income. Just the other day had heard through the CB radio that they were doing the same in trucking. Companies are hiring foreign laborers giving them trucks and fuel backed by the US government where they receive a cash bknus for doing this just so these truckers can run cheaper than citizens if this country.

So unknowingly I have helped these cut throats to succeed. All of us could make money hand over fists if we were not paying wages…This us the bottom line, how do we stop this and save the United States of America at the same time?

I may not know how to create a healthy relationship with anyone including the one I want – with my Lord, I can’t handle my line of work  or how to get out of it and have not idea what my purpose is but this I can do and its this….keep as much of money away from greedy bastards. No more dining in places that refused to go into California. Staying away from Wal Marts is tough they allows trucks in their lots but when ever possbile my dollars will go eslewhere.
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Please for the love of God and America this Christmas season shop small.