Tag Archive | decisions

Hearing Deficit

IMG_1118Lost in life is what I am. More than just a lost lamb who can easily be mislead. It used to be when ever I was confused on which direction to go while driving I’ve been able to find a friendly gas station attendant or a kind person to call upon. These people who help were so cute! They’d point this way then that way offering tidbits of what to look for besides street signs and because of their help  I am back on the road with in minutes heading in the right direction with confidence.

Not in life there’s not much to look for that can be seen in guidance on what to do. I’ve tried praying and I do still keep at the prayers with wanting so badly to hear pointers. I gotta change my direction but where to?  With my hearing deficit this may not be the right thing to do. Asking God for help is proper it’s the right thing right? But I cannot hear well especially when it comes to our Lord. This lamb misunderstands everything which is why I’ve stuck myself in this cockamamie truck driving!

Now that I am here I’ve got to get off this truck but I’ve got nothing, no home, no car so who’s going to hire me? I was an assistant to designers a position that has gone bye bye. This is why I am lost in life. College at my age would this help? I’m 55 going on 56 another ding for not being prime candidate for hire. With such poor pay as a driver my bills are on unpayed. Ah my list of excuses.

I know I’m opening myself too much on this posting but I have no where to turn. My good buddy her advice is to file legal papers on my employers. Right or wrong this is against my nature. Her points are valid, really valid but this isn’t my way. She also wants me to give up my partner. It only took me thirty years to find this guy and he came along when I wasn’t looking either. A man in your in life is not always the answer but at this junction I do need him. It’s not a money thing, it’s having someone right there for me. He messes up like men do but he tries; even with this he cannot offer up guidance for what turns I should make. I want it right I do not want anymore mistakes,  painful these misjudgments are to bear.

Does anyone have a solid strategy on how to get out from under mess such as this? I’m game, could use some fresh ideas!

As far as knowing what I want I know it. My ambition is to write scripts, Hollywood movie screenplays. I am not great with books or at developing quality blogs but this lost lamb can write one hell of an awesome script. I am not young, not independently wealthy, tried writing in the truck that was interesting, converter  trips turning the computer off in process, all the time. Hard on the eyes too with the jiggles With all these issues I’m not going to give up on scripts, they may not go any where still they fill me with satisfaction that I could never have imagined. My kids bring as much happiness as they do aggravation, my grand daughter pure joy right up there with writing screenplays.

Coming to the end of this posting and I have no clearer picture on what I need to do from what I want to do but as it has been for sometime I must exit that truck. How do I do it gracefully without creating more chaos? I keep asking God and I am sure he’s given suggestions but this hearing deficit I don’t receive the instructions. Lost in transition I guess.

Most likely I should have just posted these photos of my grand-baby. She’s adorable and far more interesting than my ramblings.



Speaking to myself

imagesCA3CC5A9It can be so hard making the right decisions for me this lost lamb. I want so much for this time to not be an error in judgement like it has been done too many times before. Countless times have the dreams been dashed and for what was hoped to be apart of this life and this was mostly done by doing what I felt was expected. I had listened to those who seem to have made more prosperous choices. They reside in nicer homes, drive a heck of a lot better vehicles and they can pay their bills except for those that squandered their funds. But it seems even those choices for work and in other areas were not meant to be for me, but where do I go now?

A friend who has far more problem than I offered me her place to go to. Cool offer really but she lives with an abusive man, not a good choice is it? I would if I  could help her out from it but I know what it will be. See he’s not physically abusive he’s a tyrant mentally and I am not strong enough to block it. I know in the end what ever suffering I am under now would be maximised by him either I’s be in jail for hitting upside the head with a cast iron pan or I would be like her shrunken further into a mouse. I have offered this friend my place – for one it’s a lot cheaper – so much cheaper than her place but she has hee’d and hawed until now I can no longer bring it up. She won’t leave him she won’t leave the area, never has and never will. Too many strong ties to town she’s in. So in that offer no it is not a good decision to be made.

In a lot of ways understand her not wanting to be alone – such a heavy price living alone. You give up a ton of stuff but with my pride just cannot allow someone to beat me down like that. Just like the last guy I had dated for over close to two years. He wasn’t like her man but he would make dates for only when it suited him which was about once a week barring whatever happened with his teenage daughters. Not including me was like a slap in the face after a while. So though it had taken years to find someone to remotely put up with this lamb tossed him out. Can’t say I didn’t try it was almost two years later but then as this time has gone by one thing that he did provide was a bit more confidence by just being able to say yes I am currently dating. Then I would declare he doesn’t seem to be interested in anything I am, not into gourmet foods, deaf so he couldn’t listen to music or go to movies, he clearly was sight deaf too because he didn’t read my emails or book and he didn’t want me around his children.

In the meantime my son who lives in Oakland has offered up his place. So awesome isn’t it? I would have to give up my pets. It always breaks down to giving up my animals. It seems overtime when a problem arises everyone wants me to give up my dogs. For one thing I have an old Chloe she’s part pit no one will take her outside the very fact I love her very much. She’s the one some monster had tossed out from a moving car after shooting her in the head with a BB gun. She’s kind and so sweet and gentle in nature. Riley the  two-year old is constantly hitting her in which I do scold her vehemently but Chloe lays there looking up for help or just sleeps. She is solid like a pit so it does take quite a whack to hurt her but I still try my best to train Riley it’s a no-no. Then there’s the two younger dogs Daphne and Lou. Daphne only loves me – she doesn’t take to anyone else. She’s good with Riley mainly because Riley shares her food a little too well. Lou is Lou he could do well in another home except I do love this dog just like I adore the others. I actually kind of like the fact that Daphne only loves me. Selfish I know but after so many men who could care a less about me and the friends who are busy with their lives, spouses and family these three are always waiting and happy to see this lamb.

Not giving up just yet working on other ways – the script that will soon with hope begin will help way down the line just got to find faith in work lining up soon,  guess I better work a little further on my decision tree. So hard to do the right thing isn’t it at times?

So on Christmas Eve and day reread a book – a story book and I don’t think I had finished it before. It looked new on the shelf – I tend to be harsh to books bending them back so if they do fall will always find my place again because it so coolly reopens to where I left off. This one had none of that but I remembered after a short time a character in the story. He sounded so much like my boys made it easy but I had no memory of much else. I read it non-stop had nothing else to do. I made pistachio chocolate chip cupcakes with a sour cream frosting topped with trail mix they were delicious – planned on leaving them with neighbors and they had the good fortune of leaving town for the holiday. Even the crazy one was gone.

The story was interesting even when I wasn’t in a preachy mood – wasn’t doom and gloom but pretty much hopeless. At the end they summed up the part I have trouble with – acting out when you do not feel in faith. See I kind of feel that if I am faking it and sooner or later it is found out – kind of hurts to know someone really doesn’t feel that way about you. You know? It’s not that I don’t care about God that is not the problem. I care very deeply about our Lord and His Son Jesus Christ. What I don’t get is what people say they feel the Holy Spirit, they can hear them speaking with them. I hear nothing and feel even less, and this being such a downer for me. I feel left out and a lot like when I was dating – so left out. But at any rate one of the people had endured a terrible hardship and she spent the year just going through the motions and then one day someone came it and said wonderful things. I cried at the end, it was a tear jerker for sure. So I guess I can hold on longer going through the motions and maybe one day it will not feel like an act. Maybe just speaking to myself is all that is needed for now, it seems to be about all that I can do – talk myself through it with a ton of prayers, maybe then they will get to become more effective too.


Romans 12:12 – Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;



bible verse found on http://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/bible-verses-about-hope/

pic: gardenlady.com

A twinkling

imagesA sliver twinkled from the cold darkness. At first I could see but felt there was something about to happen. A change grew to spite a bleak environment. In looking around nothing had really been fixed. No serious alterations came through. Plans made, fell out to be replaced with new brighter choices. Yet the year is coming to a close and the new approaching year is filled with promise.

How do I know? Couldn’t it end up like all the rest, more of the same?

Sometimes it just seems that way, doesn’t it? Then drilling deeper and jotting down notes on what transpired over this past year . There were indeed things that has been brought in that wasn’t there before. Take for instance Riley my grand child.

She was born April 9th 2011 ear marking 2011 as my graduation from just parent, mom to grandma. Now I am a part of something that I couldn’t be a part of before. Grand parents – the grandest of parenthood. Now formally renamed “Nana” because grandma is still a hard pill to swallow. To think that I am now that old, grieves me as much as it thrills. Main difference from 2011 to 2012 was largely by not only has she gone from unable to crawl, cooing, to walking now sprinting at great speeds all the time talking in the mist of it I was around her most of 2012. So I have been treading beside a two-year old’s walk into life, she’s educating this one as much if not more than what comes from me to her. What comes foremost in an area that is not user or friendly to be taught by any standards – patience which is made tougher coming from a pint size instructor. Then there are the “Yucks”, “ickies” and how much water can the bathroom floor handle.

Outside learning by the formative years of a two-year old had hoped by now to have a greater hold on living through faith. My hard knocks has made me quite hard-headed. Age isn’t always kind or so forgiving as the joints remind during these chilly days. Ha the youth never did I listen to take of yourself. My mind can travel very fast to the when I was so sure of myself and did take a slight caution in moisturizing by the globbs because of seeing on people’s  wrinkles. I smeared it with extra care after sunny make that baking with baby oil, olive oil and I would have used motor oil if was known for getting that perfect California golden tan.

On coming back to this day and time my skins shows off all those fun days lying by the pool. Knees sore from running down grassy knolls with nothing but cardboard between me and it. Motor cycles slides, spills on snowy slopes and I would do it all again! Adding more danger if I could.

instead of reckless endangerment finding new lines for getting into life. Living it is the new goal in my youth which I just did what was in me as the foolish young people do. Today is safety first, walking tapping therapy are helping. Naturally the follow-up is with praises which still needs work. Sandy foundations are a b#*#h to get out from so here I am I am still living with sand in my drawers, shoes and mind. News like the past couple weeks rocks my boats and I am terrified of water and won’t think of trying to even to attempt at walking on it.

Normally this lamb isn’t an angry person and I couldn’t control how pissed my mood was! Tapping until wrist were tired of it, top of my head sounded hollow in reciting ” be still know He is God” Would have gone for something newer, fresher to inspire if I could earnestly feel it but I couldn’t. I still have trouble like with all else that comes to living and walking my faith is doing it when you don’t feel up to it. Or for the matter of understanding what exactly is it by the gift of the “Holy Spirit” is. When it comes to reading scriptures, so lost am I that it is anything but relaxing or instructional. I am very frustrated, annoyed and plain disheartened by it. Then I wonder if my life as if I have an overly stimulated imagination. Like a kids on Saturday watching cartoon and expecting things to happen in that manner but He is God no matter how I feel no matter what I think, expect to see or from what anyone says or believes, so I stayed with it.

In some of my extreme trials and working out ways to get out did plant an ad on Craigslist, did get a couple of replies. Interesting but ended up being zero true responses that were directed towards the aim – someone to coauthor a script. I am still having trouble with the meaning of platonic, does everything have to be doubled sided in definition? Could be that my age is talking again.

Other extreme which have been searches for creating a better way have been looking into a communal type of living. Still holding a strike enough to be lighting a candle. My drawing in factor comes with a love for no longer being a solo lifestyle. Working together in growing organic produce. Yummy would those tomatoes be. I alone didn’t do so well and the few which grew out from the blossoms were so tasty worms dove for them. Out of my seeds for basils, onions, lettuce, zucchini, corn so on because they the pests ate it before me. Zucchini one vegetable people force on to others barely had enough for me. My paltry offer for the group is in cooking, cleaning and help skills other than that don’t have much else on the plate to give.

Well this moved on to checking into becoming a nun. Yes the madness of stress knowing only a few days left before I could be facing life on the streets ( still no job not even an interview.) More examines in  what I have to offer, same as commune the thing  – elbow grease, heart to want help, how just don’t know but if you point to a project would jump in to it.

You know there are two things which makes it hard for be to make this move. No it’s not celibacy as with many areas love life sucks. Hate that pill of not finding one decent man to share dreams with but no it hasn’t been in the cards handed out. So as much as I loath this dealing I’m stuck with have to press on anyways. Music isn’t a hold back either because I would sneak one way or another an mp3 player with headphones to listen under the covers of night. The problem comes from one need $299 to declared bankruptcy caused by being unemployed and this next part is a hold up but not a deal breaker just yet.

See if you read and listen to conspiracies and their theories they say the Catholic church is in trouble. My problem is as a child growing up in the church my belief’s until mid to late forties as I feel were healthier towards God. I feared him. I couldn’t walk into the parish without feeling remorse looking up onto the larger than life Jesus on the cross.

What changed in way that actually have been erased until this years was this. See around the time of my three sons in or coming to teenage years I was drowning as a parent. A job that may sound harsh and even sad never wanted. I knew I didn’t have the strength to pull it off but what choices were there? Abortion and live in hell later? By their teenage years I was living in what felt like hell. As much as I didn’t want the job took it seriously, didn’t party, date until they were older because it meant taking more time away from them that my job was taking too much already. So a neighbor kept telling me about God and her church. Customers came in that were from her church. They looked happy. Children looked happy.

To this very day I am confused and hating how I hold on to this belief that He would answer prayers. As a Catholic never conceived asking God! He is God not the janitor, or the babysitter, banker nor does he do maintenance work. He is God, He is doing things that are beyond our abilities to understand. For Jesus He is the Christ and he did his job and will again when I come for judgement. It all makes so much sense to me. Simple terms these other are like fairy tales. I needed and would still give my left ear for a husband,and  my boys needed a father. If they had been granted a solid and good male figure in their lives how much better they would be today and we went without and still paying a painful price. I get that I blew it in the beginning and ended up marrying a cold man without feeling and yet like a mad woman cling to desire of being not only heard but answered. Not an answer of no which is clearly what came. At times feel as though I should have prayed for an airplane. I didn’t and don’t need an airplane, so there is no bitter disappointment for being what feels like ignored. Sure it wasn’t ignored just a flat out no. I don’t like my answer to this day.

What is seems is I need to be immersed in what was held inside of me for so long back in the day. I can’t keep my thought rewired as I had and have hopes for. I work on it but I think that the hard part of not just being a Christian, think it comes from living with any kind of faith it all goes against the grain of thoughts, habits and in general normal living. This might explain on why when it comes to stumbling  it all – the bad – rushes to the surfaces before you can scream”stop” That would mean if I went in for becoming a Buddhist, or studying Tao, Islamic whatever even an atheist has trouble – like they say there are no atheists in fox holes. I firmly believe that is true but the point here is I would still have these types of troubles to deal with. Faith is clearly a non-stop honing work.

In this past weeks with everything I just don’t know about me and religion, living so well and strong with faith and though there are these to be worked out kind of like the idea of being a nun. Have to give up Riley my two-year old grand child, maybe her parents will take their rules more seriously. Fear does pop into mind, my son needed a father to teach him, doesn’t listen so well to mom never has really so now it isn’t a new thing. Her mom loves to party – the good life they have been sold so well but scares me because that mean whoever and whatever has a greater chance of harming Riley. Proper balance is what is needed, and a good decision that doesn’t cause grief would be splendid.

However the reasons on why the theories about the Catholic church are not bigger hold back is I do believe the Lord has his people in all places. Don’t like the idea or the policies that hold back the woman’s roles in the church nor am I against abortion. It’s not that I am for it just prefer free choise because one day that choice could be turned around and you don’t have a choice on having children at all. Look at China so it’s not far-fetched. My question is does helping those less fortunate worth more than these issues? Seem to think so but it is as far out of reach for the time being because of the debts owed.

Now that I have gone a little too long, boring too many the twinkling is just this. January 3rd I will be meeting up with someone with whom there is hope could turn in to my script project. See I get these awesome energy with ideas but no one to help get it off the ground. It’s either I don’t have the talent, always money and connections do ease things along. But I have always wanted to do something not as a solo act but one that gets many involved in creating. You know the rush that comes from bring a life out from nothing. Like the cooks they see some choices of ingredients and turn those packages and bundles into an awesomely delightful meal. I love to cook! I was given not one but three boys who hate it! I cried a lot. It still makes me cry to think there is no one to cook for. As a kid my step-father was a musician and he and his music friends would work so long and hard on a tune and every minute of it they enjoyed it. They got frustrated but it was a good frustration because they stuck together in working it out and this is what I want and with a whole lot of hope it could be what is in stored for 2013.

Since I never know when I am back again – wishing for all to have a joyous Christmas and a very grand and happy New Years!

Lost Lamb









No cleansing involved just gone, can we try it this way for a change?

Earlier today began a draft which found its way into the circular file system. Never was this lamb in the typing business,  have had experiences with the typewriter and naturally sat down with a pad of yellow legal paper for jotting down ideas. I loved to write down these possibilities for my next steps. I could with a pad of paper go wander into a park or a sandy beach and sit with it, do  some doodling if it was inspired and always kept scrap papers by my landline phone for just that, at work and at home. I’d doodle light hearted swirls, puppy faces, big puffy clouds with a smiling sun. I could smell the ink as it oozed out from my  hand, free flowing uninhindered in its own will, moving me by its scents to keep leaving more ink behind until it smeared my palms moving across this yellow lined paper.

This was before the days of typed no make that keying everything in on to a computer where you also miss out on a bell’s tiny dings when reaching the opposite margin. Then it’s okay for this lamb not be fumbling anymore with adjusting paper on the roller or having to bring out that bottle of white out or use correction tape on errors when everything is done so neatly on this modern day computer. Unless you liked to sniff the white out bottles, then you could miss it but I don’t think anyone has missed the corrections tape or swapping out typewriters ribbons. For this lamb do not know which is worst replacing typewriter ribbons  or the toner in the printers, maybe the toners that is a messing job when its the laser printers and copiers. No I don’t miss that part in being unemployed.

You can take your laptop to the park, not the same experience as a pad of paper. First you have to be careful and with this old computer which I recently found out it was recalled something about it getting too hot. This I know thought one carefree day to lounge in my bed and search the internet, came close to burning my thigh. Yep that was in the days when I worked like a dog and actually deserved a day of leisure like that. Forget taking my Nook did do that, other than reading it’s a cantankerous task to type on, so I am not too interested in getting the last fad in tablets.

What I do miss about the old fashion way of writing is that unfallowable sensation from crumpling your sheet of paper that was declared unfit, a piece of po that deserved to be manhandled then tossed into the can. A certainty, one of the few things life gives away by allowing finality to pour over you as it lands with expert skills from the slam dunk it received. With a hurrah for skill it stays in there and is easily forgotten. I’m satisfied and moved on once again. You do not get that when you hit trash on your piece of crud, it’s just gone poof with no fanfare or a pause for a prayer of regret an dyou can just too easily send it out when  it belonged in the waste can, dont it too many times. But when I have made it disappears off my screen,  memory gone with it but it was empty at the start, like when you tie your shoes, you just do it, no feeling, no cleansing involved just gone.

Times of my life are like that, some decisions made are able to be undone with no  regrets, no actual memory of it being made even, it just stopped happening, gone without ever recalling I made that choice. Others like my divorce on the final day signing in court, it was done and I was a washed with a final document that it was over. Not to be taken out from the trash bin. A clean break. Mine was a clean break, seen some who had trouble even years after it ended. Mine was with a snap done. Never spoken about again, why now don’t know. There was no love loss by either parties you can say. Won’t get into the children who were the victims, we the adults weren’t.

A divorce should be a time for regret and it does as it carries so many with it, but there isn’t a point in taking that road because then it brings more harm to those innocent bystanders once again. Going through that ordeal of being married and then not had been hard on this lamb, but it was seen, I could feel the trouble, the uneasiness of that living. There may have been ways to repair it but I never did love him in the first place. It was a marriage of duty, being foolish in getting pregnant. Doing what I shouldn’t have been, thinking there won’t be repercussions. Always repercussions, they can come in, in a big way like that was, or they can be small quiet changes rerouting your life without even knowing it.

That is what I am going through since last year, small changes some of them are directing stemming from my choices to what was thrust on to indirectly and some not so directed but like my boys I have been affected. Getting into the these misfortunes is pointless. What I am looking for on my path is a firmness that comes from being absolutely certain that my next choice is in the Lord’s will. I want as much solid conviction that if its wrong it can be tossed into the waste can with as much gusto as that wadded up paper that was deemed unsuitable for anybody’s eyes. Bam it’s gone and walked away without a second thought, no lingering eyes looking back.

For the last three weeks have wondered about this job, where the schooling begins Monday, the one job that is awesome, who wouldn’t want to be a naturalist guide? Taking people around in an open air jeep. Tourist from around the world to see a fault line in the continents. I want this job, knowing full well it will break my bank account, and will give me at tops 2 to 3 days a week for a short spell. Inside my gut knew something was wrong. My first strike against myself is – was it my fault that something this bad would happened that would keep me from taking on this new step in my life?

I spoke it out loud, thought it in  my head then followed up if it’s in the Lord’s will he will take care of everything. This lamb is not used to trusting anything or anybody that completely to walk away without another round of fretting. I tried, I really tried was what this lamb did. For more than a week recanting with my heart “The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want” over and over, read it. Sometimes I didn’t feel it but went through with it anyways, and really spoke His words when it wasn’t what I wanted to do. The lamb wanted to seek shelter through music anywhere, over the phone but I needed to learn to be seeking Him even when it didn’t feel it would produce.

Back of my head did ease up on the position, the ominous grew with each passing day. Then this week I have been sorely lost, couldn’t find rest, moody, bitter by the twisting gut. My answer came and it can’t be tossed into the can, it can’t be retracted I have been dropped into a slot that is wrenching and tearing this lamb apart.

So I am trying at best once again that the Lord knows what he is doing, though I do not know and which I knew when I asked that he bring his light to my sons. In the middle of this lamb rejected the notion when a message rolled across my visual sight. The old saying be careful what you wish for couldn’t ring more true to this lamb than any other words spoken tonight. So I am quickly running bad towards the Lord knows what he is doing and count the blessing of his protection over my son who for the second time since July. He took on a deer on his bike back then and survived it, this time he went for the big one and that was a Mercedes SUV against his bike. The same green bike and him, deer lost last time, he is in trouble this time.

I sit here with no money and he is there in Oregon and I have to find a way to get there and I don’t even have the nerve to call the man who took a chance on me with the position. Spent the afternoon on the phone and facing all of my subtle decisions that were made in raising my three boys. All those days working showing them it’s important to work for your bread and roof. Chasing after money like my father did, thinking it would protect everyone even after he was long gone. I wished he spent that time with me, teaching me to be a better parent. I wished he taught me his knowledge of making decisions that were successful with building strong families that carried also into the work place. All of these things I missed that my sons also missed.

But in my failures taught my sons to not give up, my father never gave up either. So my son who took on machines of man and beasts, and survived, clearly both were the works of the Lord, is sitting in a hospital alone making comments on Facebook to let everyone know he’s not down yet. Doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be there he is going to be wheel chair bound for a long time, he’s a fighter is all it means.

Well I will day I have always wanted to walk the Pacific Crest Trail, wonder if this is a good time to start? Hummm…I could just head towards Oregon, he’s going to be in the hospital for quite sometime, at least I am doing something other than sitting here missing him.

Good news when I looked up what happened discovered he is all over the web pages with his business Zombieperformance.com, check it out it’s pretty awesome work he does and hopefully will be back into the pink of things with his mother’s care.

Here’s a pic of him – not showing the leg way to gross.















This is from his followers they got creative with his deer incident and now they are lighting up the new deal with these ideas. Humor does help so much doesn’t it? Stef’s last post was funny , can’t put it on this blog site a little raunchy. This one they suggested it’s sturdy enough for any object he throws himself against, in the way of deers and sliding through SUV’s













He’s leaning towards this I think and this is the one with the unclean comments, something about having a babe magnet that comes with it. Really? Doubtful, will see him coming around the corner befor ehe gets there.












This was my choice and one of the perks of that job! PS pic stolen, couldn’t get the Desert Adventures to copy.Same set up.

Psalm 5:1-2

“Listen to my words, Lord,
consider my lament.
 Hear my cry for help,
my King and my God,
for to you I pray”







1st pic: http://www.123rf.com

jeep tours stolen so quickly forgot where but this did come from a Sedona site, didn’t come up again when I went back, so sorry.